H.O.P.E

Hi everyone:)

So tonight I'm going to talk about a topic which tends to not be spoken about because it's embarrassing.

I tell everyone I have a digestive disorder because to be honest 18 years later the doctors still can't diagnose what is precisely wrong with my tummy they just know that my digestive system and bowel do not function normally. They think it is IBS but so far they can't rule out IBD without further investigations.

Out of all my illnesses this is by far my most disabling. At the moment I'm going through a flare up. Every day is a struggle. I can't remember a single day I have woken up in my entire life without feeling sick or sore due to my tummy.

Everyday I swallow so many tablets morning noon and night. I take strong painkillers and sometimes have to take antisickness pills to keep the pain relief down. If it gets so severe I end up in a&e on a drip.

An IBS flare up is so severe that some women compare it to childbirth. Not all but some. Whenever I have one I can't breathe, I can't move and sweat beads roll off my face. I have sat screaming for six hours straight before from the sheer agony I am in. I sit in one position so long as I can't move a muscle that I get nerve pains in my legs. It gets so severe that most times I throw up just from the pain.

Any time a doctor sees me they send me to a&e incase it is my appendix but it never has been so far.

 This is a very lonely and scary illness. The idea of getting out of bed with extreme fatigue is unfathomable. The idea of leaving a bathroom is unthinkable.

I have had every blood test, ultrasound, tubes, endoscopies, barium swallows and x rays that I can have.

This is a topic that needs more support and awareness! Chronic illness is so lonely and debilitating but I refuse to give up and I will continue to raise awareness!

Never give up no matter how lonely or how much pain you are in, you are loved!

E x :)

Hey Hi Hey Hello there

Hey guys!

It's been ages I'm so sorry!

How have we all been? Everyday more people from different countries view my blog so to everyone new a massive hello and welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment!

I have been doing really well, I have started College which was petrifying but I'm getting there! It's new and refreshing! Plus it's Medical Science, how amazing?

I GOT DISCHARGED FROM OUTPATIENT CAMHS AFTER A DECADE!

It is petrifying and will take me a while to get used to but I can do it, today has just brought back all the memories but that's normal right?

Stay strong, talk soon,

Love always, E x

"Why must we be so cruel?"

Depression.. heartache... pain... hopelessness.. loneliness.. doubt... fear... obsessions... compulsions... deflation... anxiety... worry... emotions... agony... betrayal...


Everything that I currently feel in my heart, chest, head, mind, and every other part of my body and soul. Little words have the power or ultimate passion to even partially explain the hurt of emotional distress.


I smile, I try, I support as best as I can. Not good enough. I dedicate my life to trying to assist others so that they are protected from the sheer terror of emotional agony. I never ask for a reward. Of recent people seem to think it's okay to rip me apart, to take my personality and to pick it to pieces and criticise. To judge me. And I'm left here asking myself why? :'(


I forgive more than I ever thought was possible, I always say never give up yet I'm sitting here trying to find a reason not to.


Why must we be so cruel? Why can't we all just be a little kinder? Why must we be filled with anger and meanness?


Be kind to those around you dear readers, you never know how much that one bit of kindness can save a lost soul. Offer a helping hand and don't be wicked. No one deserves to feel unwanted. No one.


Thank-you as always,


Erin x

"I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."

Good morning, afternoon, evening and night to you all! As my blog has now gone global I have many readers from different countries meaning different time zones so hello!


It has been agesss since I last posted but I have been studying hard for my psychology exam and have been unwell with different viruses which were yucky so that is why!


Today I wish to talk about life changes.


Whether it is leaving primary school to join secondary education, whether it is applying for UCAS or deciding which career path to go down, changes can be very scary, especially when you are young and don't have a lot of experience in that area.


So I myself am in this situation at the moment thinking which career is right? Which university? Have I applied for the correct course at tech? When do I want to travel? Even which car to buy can be stressful! Choice is daunting but can be very exhilarating at the same time so take a breath and know that it isn't the end of the world and very few things are finalised that can't be changed or altered, you will learn from your mistakes and choices no matter what!


Three simple tips!


Tip number 1.) Draw out a career ladder. I find this really useful. Get a piece of paper, simply draw a ladder from top to bottom on the page. The top of the ladder is where you want to get to, your ultimate goal, the bottom is where you currently are and what qualifications you hold. All the space in between is for what qualifications and skills you need to gain to reach your goal in chronological order. I find having a plan clearly drawn out in front of me, not including too much detail, can really help me relax and feel in control of the situation again!


Tip number 2.) Research, research, research! Whether it's which university, which car, which holiday or even to save or to spend, trust me, the best thing to do is do a lot of research. Know what you are talking about, whenever you go to purchase a product you want to feel confident and able to ask the sales person questions and not feel like they are pulling the wool over your eyes, know your rights, know which course suits your needs, know all your information and it lowers the stress on the day when you have to decide. Trust me, after a while you will know the information so well that you could be the salesperson or university lecturer and will feel confident in your decision with less doubts.


Tip number 3.) Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. There has been many people before you going through the same change in life or the same decision making process and it really helps to talk to someone in person about the reality, the pros and cons and not just what it says written on paper. It can really help hearing different opinions and may actually change your mind dramatically once you hear what each path contains and where it can lead. Ask your mum, or spouse or teacher or peer mentor, but don't be stubborn and feel it makes you look stupid, it doesn't, it makes you look wise.


It really is so stressful having to make such big decisions for your future, especially at this time of year when we're all getting prepared to sit exams but I hope these few hints and tips may make you think or may help you along your journey.


I read a quote this week which really made me think .. "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."


Hugs, E x

Advocate Change!!

Hey guys!


So today has been a great day for me! No particular reason, I just felt happy when I woke up, and for someone living with mental health difficulties this defines a great day!


So I decided I would blog and usually I have outlines as to what I want to talk about, but tonight I'm kind of freestyle typing. I want to tackle the issue of social stigma but in a different kind of way.


We all hear a lot at the moment in the media about how we need to "Lower the stigmas around mental health" which is definitely a necessary task; however, to those who maybe haven't had a lot of experience in this field they tend to think about the big picture rather than individual life stories. By this I mean we can get caught up in tackling "How we all think people are crazy who have mental health difficulties" or "How we keep depression on the down low" .. I don't know about other people but to me this isn't where the stigma needs to be lowered as such. It's more daily tasks and views and passing comments that hold onto the stigma more.


For instance, I blog about mental health, I post it on facebook, instagram, I have even been interviewed about it, however I still struggle mentioning it in front of people face to face because usually they tend to go very silent and awkward. This I find is a lot more uncomfortable than someone making a comment or asking a question. I approach the subject usually in a funny manner. I would say something like "Oh me and my mucked up head" and then laugh, because people can manage that, however if I say "Oh my depression/anxiety is bad today" they freeze or stare. Mentioning I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital? Gosh that's a no zone!! So why do we try and tackle the big picture, and not the more personal aspects?


Yes it's hard to understand everyone's personal experience, but these awkward moments, these shocked faces are proving that lowering social stigmas isn't actually working. We can put up on a billboard a sign about mental health, we can report on the news the rates of suicide, but we aren't informing people just how common it is to have a mental health problem, how we don't have to tiptoe around the 'big scary subject'! I believe that mental health should be included a lot more in the curriculum of schools. How to notice the symptoms, how to take care of a friend, what organisations to contact, how to manage, self help techniques.. these are the things we should all be learning about because 1 in 4 of us in our lifetime will have a mental health difficulty!!


Social stigmas NEED to be lowered... not the cliché view of "We can't call people crazy anymore" .. but it should be discussed on a one to one basis and taught in classrooms, we need this change to happen to prevent unseen diagnoses and potential suicides!


Be the change you want to see in the world!!


#AdvocateChange


All my love, Erin. x

Distraction techniques for when you feel you have lost control!

Hey strangers!


Feel like I need to say that seeming as I haven't blogged in well over a month!


How have we all been doing? Christmas? New Years? So many events and celebrations! I'm sure it's been a rollercoaster for you all like it has been for me!


If anyone has any requests for blogs throughout 2015 give me a wee message or comment and I will respond ASAP! I'm really busy atm with so many different things but I will try to get back into the swing of blogging!


So recently has been very difficult for me. I got a very nasty flu over Christmas which always starts the anxiety off! I felt very out of control and resorted back to not eating correctly or even nearly enough which in turn led to me losing weight... again. My urges increased and basically the voice in my head and the intrusive and depressive thoughts have been overpowering. However, I am just about managing to keep them under control and I'm battling away because in recovery, as we all know, that is all we can do when things seem worthless and never ending, keep going.


I thought tonight I'd go over some techniques that are distraction whenever you feel like you have no other option but to act on your urges. For a lot of you this will seem probably quite patronising and repetitive however this may be new information to somebody who is very scared tonight, so for that reason I shall share with you some tips. I myself use these, some more than others, however tonight especially I am finding it extremely hard to battle them, so here goes -


1.) Whenever you feel numb, or the emotional pain and distress is far too great to manage on your own, you will most likely have thoughts of self harm. So one way of feeling a physical sensation which will not cause harm is ice. Get ice cubes from wherever you can manage to get them, hold one in each hand/in crease of elbow and squeeze really tight, so you can feel the ice freezing away in your hand/crease of elbow. Whenever it melts, your skin may feel a little - very numb, so repeat, however on a new position on skin.


2.) Elastic bands. Put elastic bands around your wrist and lower arm, and ping them back and forward so you get the sting of the elastic without any scars.


3.) Progressive muscle relaxation. If you don't have sheets on this, look up the full exercise online. Basically you tense and relax every muscle in your body, one at a time, from your head to your toes and then relax them one at a time so as to know the feeling of tensing and the true feeling of relaxing.


4.) Safe place. Go to a place in your head, a place where you have no possible chance of getting hurt or being harmed. This may be a beach, a treehouse, a park, a boat, an igloo, or somewhere that you have previously been that you felt very relaxed in, you can even create a place in your mind! This place is just for you. Describe to yourself or out loud what the place looks like, everything you can see, what smells you can sense, what your body feels like, is there sun heating up your skin or is there snow cooling you down? Can you feel grainy sand, or the swinging motion of a hammock? What can you hear? Is there silence? Can you taste anything? Stay in this place for as long as you need to relax and then slowly return to reality again.


5.) Drawing on your skin. Use a red pen and write/draw along your arms and legs or wherever you usually harm.


6.) Write in a journal. You can do this two ways. One is write about how your feeling and anything you wish to let out. The other is if you have a lot of anger then scribble/write on a page of paper, scrunch it up, rip it apart and throw it away!


7.) Breathing. Especially when anxious and hyperventilating this is useful. We breathe in too much oxygen for our bodies to cope with whenever we hyperventilate so it is very important that we breathe out for longer than breathing in. So breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, breathe out for 5 - 6 seconds or as long as feels manageable, then hold for two seconds before repeating the process. This is very hard to do whenever you are very worked up practice this exercise whenever you aren't anxious and you will be more prepared to deal with the situation when you are. So breathe in .. 2 .. 3..4 and hold .. and hold .. and breathe out .. 2 ...3...4...5...6.. and hold at the bottom and hold ... and repeat.


8.) Add colours to your breathing depending on your mood. So whenever you feel anxious for example imagine breathing in the colour pale blue, and breathing out red. If you are depressed breathe in white or yellow and breathe out black. Etc.


I haven't gone into great detail here as they all are very individual and if there are any you would like me to explain more please ask, I have many more techniques I can offer if none of these work or suit you, don't panic! There are always other options!


Never.Give.Up.


All my love,


Erin.. x

A day in the life of an Anxiety Disorder..

Hey lovelies!


I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a long time but I have been soo busy!


This past week or so I have been struggling severely with my anxiety, it came to a head this morning and I threw up everywhere.


So I was thinking, I am going to let you into what it's like to live a day in the life of a person with an anxiety disorder. (It's a little altered to match me personally) Here goes..


Wake up. Breathe. Oh my gosh it's a new day, can I cope with this day, what do I have to do today? Oh no I have to go to tech, that means people, people looking at me, oh dear I better dress right or they'll laugh, but if I dress too much they'll laugh, but if I don't dress up enough I won't be able to mask the fact that I'm panicking. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, no more worries. And then the jitters, constant jumping in my legs, arms and thoughts going a million miles an hour around my head. Nope Erin you can't go back to sleep, your body won't let you. Sit up. I feel sick, I'm going to be sick, I'm scared. Go down stairs for breakfast..


Test blood sugars. Have I washed my hands? Will this affect the reading, will I give too much insulin and go low later and have to eat in front of everyone else and feel sick and act stupid because I'm hypo and panic... panic. Smell food going downstairs. MASSIVE PANIC. Feel sick, I can't eat, I won't eat, I hate the feeling of food inside my tummy, I hate the taste of it, I don't need to eat, it's better for me if I don't. But if I don't eat my tummy will get upset, and I'll be sicker. Wretch, wretch and wretch some more. Eat, move between three different chairs whilst trying to eat. Walk about, use phone for distraction, play music. Go outside too cold, go inside too warm and smells like food. Can't go to shower just ate, have to go to shower or be late, quickly Erin think think think you're not thinking enough, you're thinking too much this is your fault. Go to shower, if it's too hot my bloods will go low and I'll pass out, if it's too cold my back goes into spasm where I had my surgery and go into pain, I have to hurry up I'm not going quick enough, I'll be late to class, I will be yelled at, I'll cry, people will think I'm childish, I will panic, make bad memories and never go back. ERIN GO QUICKER. I can't go quicker, someone help, slow down time oh yeah I can't oh gosh should I just not wear makeup today, no because then people will see my face and I hate my face and I can't stand what I look like and no one will come near me because I'm hideous. Don't be so fickle Erin, no one wants to be your friend if that's all you care about, you're a bad person and a bad example. Am I? Oh my gosh I am aren't I?


Getting dressed. Did I take all of my medication? Did I take too much? Oh no I took too little? Have I packed my bag to go. If I don't have my time sheet they won't know I'm on limited hours. I'll have to explain and talk when I feel sick and don't want to open my mouth. I'll have to come back another day and get the pay sorted. What if the pay doesn't go through? I'll have to explain myself, I'll need my careers advisor, she'll think I'm annoying. I'll cry, why will I cry, don't be stupid, I can't help it! Have you got your blood kit, if not you'll get in trouble, you won't know what your blood sugars are and then pass out, or feel unwell, what if I've lost it? Will the doctor give me another one? I can't leave it unattended, I can't put it where it's too warm in a heater or the sun but I can't leave it in the car as it's too cold and will not work. Where is it? Have I broke it? Is it filled with needles correctly? Oh no that reminds me of my insulin! Is the vile full? Have I got a replacement? Is it the right injection or is it the other one? Is there needles? Is it out of the heat? Lucozade, you will die without lucozade, what if it makes me sick, well bring coke but I'm not sure! If I have a hypo and I'm not allowed to bring my drink out to fix it the teachers will shout at me and I'll be too confused and low to answer and I won't know what to do. Is it out of date? Has it been in the fridge? Have you go a snack incase you need one? Or tissues for your blood kit? Erin is your phone charged?? Did you plug it in right last night? What happens when you need mum because you feel sick and you don't have your phone? If you go to the office you will have to explain yourself? Is my mobile on or off, have I missed a message from a friend and let them down? Did they need me? I need to make sure they're okay! Erin you are such a rubbish friend, look at everyone you need to message, just look at them! Oh flip I forgot the time, keep getting dressed! Should I wear that and look fat? But if I wear that it makes my tummy sore? Which one is more important today? HURRRRYYY!!! Get in the car, oh no mum I'm going to be sick, I can't deal with today, I'm going to cry, I start crying, your make up will run! They'll call you an attention seeker, they will not want to be your friend when they find out how crazy you are Erin! Please thoughts I'm begging you slow down, I can't hear myself think, I feel dizzy, did I take my meds? Are my bloods low, I can't be late for class! Getting closer to tech, I can't get out theres people outside, don't look them in the eye, no look them straight on in the face? Which one erin you have ten seconds well don't do the inbetween! Think! Which door? Which door? Oh no mums pulling off I need her back, start to cry again, I'm going to be sick, I can't do this.


Walk through the door, see a friend, fake a smile and say heyy! Feel like I'm going to cry and throw up and I want to go home and hide and I'm scared. Is my phone off? Mum said leave it on but the teachers say turn it off? Will it go off? is that a good thing or a bad thing? Which room is class in today? I don't know, It will be so embarrassing going to the wrong room, oh flip ask someone, they don't know, do I look like a goodie goodie asking where class is and caring? Should I be in earlier, how long have they been here for. They hate me in here. They all know eachother and don't want me here. Go to class.. everyone is quiet, they will here me be sick, I can feel the tension, I can't sit in this room, start jittering again, start hyperventilating, throat gets tight, I can't breathe, come on Erin zone out you can do this, keep smiling no one will know, keep thinking of another place, you aren't here, not here, not now, you're safe, I'm not safe, they hate me, help me please I need out, look at the door, where is the door? How many people and classes will I pass before getting to the toilets? Where should I go, should I run, should I sit? Are people looking at me, help me Erin think I'm scared, breathe, legs jitter faster.


Leaving tech.. if I didn't text back straight away they will think I'm being mean, I have too many people to help, I have too many people I need to message, but I don't have any friends. Why would someone want to be your friend? I need one though I'm lonely, that's good it means no one has to see you panicking. I can't text back, if I panic anymore I will feel worthless and my urges get stronger, I'll have to go back to hospital, what if I lose control?? I can't go back there!! I'm scared, that might happen or I might not survive, I will have no friends, I am a bad person.

Did I test my blood sugars? Did I do it right? Will the doctors tell me off? Can I eat dinner, I can't oh no smell dinner, food ahh help me I will be sick. Sitting at the table jittering like mad, leave table come back again leave again! You can't, you can, you can't, it has flavour you'll be sick! It's getting dark outside, I'm alone. The depressive thoughts are strong. I'll not make it through the night, that's good, that's awful nooo it's great! I want to message my friends but I'll be annoying them, maybe if I wrote a status? No they will think I'm too positive, no too negative, they will think I'm attention seeking! I want to speak to a particular person, why would they speak to you? They are laughing at you and showing others your messages, I'm scared.


Bed time, I am so tired but I am wide awake. My head is still going a million miles an hour, did I take my medication? Did I take the right injection? Remember to eat enough to get you through the night. You might have a hypo and not make it through the night, are you annoyed with anyone? Give them a hug! Noo are my teeth clean? Clean enough? Oh no I'm disgusting, no one will come near me. I can't deal with these OCD thoughts, I'm so weird, no one else is like this. I can't deal with tomorrow. I am so happy. I am so awful for being happy. You are not happy. I can't sleep if I don't sleep I won't get up in the morning, I'll be late, miss a day and spiral backwards and live in my room and never leave and it will my own fault. Sleep erin sleeeeeppppp. Shut up thoughts please please, oh no my blood sugars are low.. got to get up again, help.




... This is a glimpse into the life of someone living with an anxiety disorder. It is exhausting. You never get a break. I hope this may make you more empathetic to those who have to battle this every single day, and please don't constantly repeat the line "There is nothing to be scared of." It makes us feel pathetic.


All my love,


Erin xx