"What's the point?"
A question that a lot of us face at least once a day.
For someone with a mental health difficulty this question can pass through our minds at least one hundred times a day or may be there all the time.
So I want to talk about this thing called the "grey area". The Grey Area is a state of mind that a lot of functioning mental ill health sufferers live in. Sometimes known as the "Grey suicidal area".
For myself for example, I spend most of my days in the grey area. I can get up and eat, wash, dress, go to college, talk to friends and generally function well. However inside my thoughts don't always match how I'm acting. This isn't the same thing as feeling depressed or suicidal and trying to cover it up so no one finds out, no, this is a genuine living state where these thoughts are just constantly in your head but you're able to carry on with day to day activities.
The grey area is having thoughts of life not worth living, asking yourself constantly what's the point? Why have I not ended it already? Even having thoughts of harming yourself, but not actively carrying out these activities. It's learning to tolerate the thoughts and survive a life even with these torturous thoughts.
This grey area might last until I turn 21, I might wake up tomorrow and it's gone or it may last my entire life, this is just part of my condition.
Some days I have to lie in bed and cry until I don't have any more tears left. Some days I have to powerwalk a ridiculous distance to try and put the anger of the voice in my head into some form of action to attempt to quieten it down. Some days I can function completely averagely and not question the thoughts in my head. But they're always there, 24/7, always.
This sometimes doesn't make me the best of company. There are days where I will have a short temper and no one will know why I'm snapping at them, however if they realised living with these thoughts and trying to have a conversation with someone is like trying to hear the TV with kids screaming over the top of it they may then understand actually I'm not snapping at them I'm getting angry with my own head but randomly yelling "SHUT UP" in the middle of the street at my head when no ones standing there may look a little odd.
Living with OCD, generalised anxiety and depressive states is not easy. This is also relatable for those with physical ill health too as I know living with T1 diabetes, rods on my spine and a digestive disorder is not easy either. For those with either or both I understand and empathise fully with the fact that you will get down days. You will get days where you ask why me? And you need to understand that it's okay to have these thoughts. It's okay to be fed up and feel like it's not fair. We can't be warriors everyday, even heroes have to take off their cape and let someone save them once in a while.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling guilty if I had a thought that resembled "why me?" I thought I wasn't allowed to ever feel sorry for myself, to ever feel that I got it a little rougher than some. But as I grew up and went through therapy I realised that it's only healthy to once in a while have a mini meltdown. It is okay to not be okay. And there are many unpleasantries that can be lived with. This is just a thing. A thing that can be lived with.
If you feel that you are in the grey area and it's turning a little black, ask for help, hold out your hand until someone grabs on because someone will if you give it time.
If you live in the grey area and ask yourself why can't my life be white, well, I ask you, name me a good story that has blank pages?
All my love,
E x
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Monday, 29 August 2016
Never let the final straw be the final straw when it comes to life 💖
Hi Guys:)!
So I'm currently sitting on my picnic bench in my garden listening to music to try and chillax! The past few months have been a major struggle with my chronic tummy problems. I rang the hospital and I'm on a ten month waiting list to see a gastroenterologist to help me manage day to day life. It's got to the point where every day my tummy is so swollen I can't breathe, I'm so tired I spend hours sleeping just to function, I'm on omeprazole, ranitidine, mebeverine, colpermin, panadol and sometimes buscopan and ibuprofen just to get the pain to a level where I can go to town for an hour or two and not be crippled.
This in turn has had a major effect on my diabetes. I'm on a trial period using a new piece of equipment called the freestyle libre which is a mini disc that has a canula injected into my subcutaneous tissue and reads the blood glucose through the fluid rather than cappillary blood to lower the amount of finger pricks I have to do in a day. My diabetes is really well controlled in general but the graph on this reader is showing my sugar levels are dreadful at the moment. So many high and low readings which in turn have caused blood vessels to burst in my eyes, numbness in my fingers and overall a horrible feeling.
The only way to manage this any longer is to go to A&E and refuse to move until I have a diagnosis but even that proves complicated as the doctors always think it's my appendix and so far it never has been.
My anxiety and mood has been knocked dramatically as I can't physically imagine living my life like this. The feeling of not knowing what friends can put up with a friend who is so often in bed or hospital sick. Holding down a job is a scary thought, completing my coursework is a worry because some days I just don't want to have these issues and some days I wish I could go out and work hard and not be in pain but why think like that? This is the life that I've been given and life is a blessing, one to never be taken for granted.
So the best things I've been doing recently to cope and some of you may find this helpful others not but these are just ideas.
If I get any energy I go for a walk and never waste a good day. If you've been blessed with a good day never ever waste it because the memories of that good day can help you through two months of bad days!!
If I feel lonely I text/ring my friends. Don't isolate yourself anymore than you must, stay in contact, make new friends because trust me I know you feel like a burden and that no one needs your issues but there are so so many lovely genuine people who look past your illnesses and see you, the real you, your likes and dislikes, food movies sports whatever they care about you and you are never alone in this world.
If you can't get to a party heck blast your ipod in your room and sing your heart out.. It works.. I know from experience!
On a serious note if there are days where you've just given up because that happens, and you feel you can't take anymore or that you don't want to spend another day living, tell someone. I plead with you. I have been that person sitting at midnight contemplating which choice to make. Trying to find a strong enough reason to make me stay alive. I know how hard and lonely and heartbreaking chronic illnesses are. To this day I would lay down my life for anyone needing help. You would be suprised who would sit up at 3am with you just to prevent you doing something irreversible. This world has evil in it, but this world has so much love.
These are just a few tips to help your fight. If you don't know me on a personal level these messages are still for you. I can see where my audience comes from. I have 3000 loyal views which come from indonesia, the Netherlands, Russia, Australia and so many other countries. If you are sitting reading this in the furthest place away from me on earth, I'm still here and still a human and I still care so never say no one cares about you because I do.
If you are my friend and don't want to let me know you read my blogs but any of these issues effect you, please don't sit quiet or nervous, if it's 3am I will still sit up to help you if you need it!
All my love
E x
So I'm currently sitting on my picnic bench in my garden listening to music to try and chillax! The past few months have been a major struggle with my chronic tummy problems. I rang the hospital and I'm on a ten month waiting list to see a gastroenterologist to help me manage day to day life. It's got to the point where every day my tummy is so swollen I can't breathe, I'm so tired I spend hours sleeping just to function, I'm on omeprazole, ranitidine, mebeverine, colpermin, panadol and sometimes buscopan and ibuprofen just to get the pain to a level where I can go to town for an hour or two and not be crippled.
This in turn has had a major effect on my diabetes. I'm on a trial period using a new piece of equipment called the freestyle libre which is a mini disc that has a canula injected into my subcutaneous tissue and reads the blood glucose through the fluid rather than cappillary blood to lower the amount of finger pricks I have to do in a day. My diabetes is really well controlled in general but the graph on this reader is showing my sugar levels are dreadful at the moment. So many high and low readings which in turn have caused blood vessels to burst in my eyes, numbness in my fingers and overall a horrible feeling.
The only way to manage this any longer is to go to A&E and refuse to move until I have a diagnosis but even that proves complicated as the doctors always think it's my appendix and so far it never has been.
My anxiety and mood has been knocked dramatically as I can't physically imagine living my life like this. The feeling of not knowing what friends can put up with a friend who is so often in bed or hospital sick. Holding down a job is a scary thought, completing my coursework is a worry because some days I just don't want to have these issues and some days I wish I could go out and work hard and not be in pain but why think like that? This is the life that I've been given and life is a blessing, one to never be taken for granted.
So the best things I've been doing recently to cope and some of you may find this helpful others not but these are just ideas.
If I get any energy I go for a walk and never waste a good day. If you've been blessed with a good day never ever waste it because the memories of that good day can help you through two months of bad days!!
If I feel lonely I text/ring my friends. Don't isolate yourself anymore than you must, stay in contact, make new friends because trust me I know you feel like a burden and that no one needs your issues but there are so so many lovely genuine people who look past your illnesses and see you, the real you, your likes and dislikes, food movies sports whatever they care about you and you are never alone in this world.
If you can't get to a party heck blast your ipod in your room and sing your heart out.. It works.. I know from experience!
On a serious note if there are days where you've just given up because that happens, and you feel you can't take anymore or that you don't want to spend another day living, tell someone. I plead with you. I have been that person sitting at midnight contemplating which choice to make. Trying to find a strong enough reason to make me stay alive. I know how hard and lonely and heartbreaking chronic illnesses are. To this day I would lay down my life for anyone needing help. You would be suprised who would sit up at 3am with you just to prevent you doing something irreversible. This world has evil in it, but this world has so much love.
These are just a few tips to help your fight. If you don't know me on a personal level these messages are still for you. I can see where my audience comes from. I have 3000 loyal views which come from indonesia, the Netherlands, Russia, Australia and so many other countries. If you are sitting reading this in the furthest place away from me on earth, I'm still here and still a human and I still care so never say no one cares about you because I do.
If you are my friend and don't want to let me know you read my blogs but any of these issues effect you, please don't sit quiet or nervous, if it's 3am I will still sit up to help you if you need it!
All my love
E x
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
H.O.P.E
Hi everyone:)
So tonight I'm going to talk about a topic which tends to not be spoken about because it's embarrassing.
I tell everyone I have a digestive disorder because to be honest 18 years later the doctors still can't diagnose what is precisely wrong with my tummy they just know that my digestive system and bowel do not function normally. They think it is IBS but so far they can't rule out IBD without further investigations.
Out of all my illnesses this is by far my most disabling. At the moment I'm going through a flare up. Every day is a struggle. I can't remember a single day I have woken up in my entire life without feeling sick or sore due to my tummy.
Everyday I swallow so many tablets morning noon and night. I take strong painkillers and sometimes have to take antisickness pills to keep the pain relief down. If it gets so severe I end up in a&e on a drip.
An IBS flare up is so severe that some women compare it to childbirth. Not all but some. Whenever I have one I can't breathe, I can't move and sweat beads roll off my face. I have sat screaming for six hours straight before from the sheer agony I am in. I sit in one position so long as I can't move a muscle that I get nerve pains in my legs. It gets so severe that most times I throw up just from the pain.
Any time a doctor sees me they send me to a&e incase it is my appendix but it never has been so far.
This is a very lonely and scary illness. The idea of getting out of bed with extreme fatigue is unfathomable. The idea of leaving a bathroom is unthinkable.
I have had every blood test, ultrasound, tubes, endoscopies, barium swallows and x rays that I can have.
This is a topic that needs more support and awareness! Chronic illness is so lonely and debilitating but I refuse to give up and I will continue to raise awareness!
Never give up no matter how lonely or how much pain you are in, you are loved!
E x :)
So tonight I'm going to talk about a topic which tends to not be spoken about because it's embarrassing.
I tell everyone I have a digestive disorder because to be honest 18 years later the doctors still can't diagnose what is precisely wrong with my tummy they just know that my digestive system and bowel do not function normally. They think it is IBS but so far they can't rule out IBD without further investigations.
Out of all my illnesses this is by far my most disabling. At the moment I'm going through a flare up. Every day is a struggle. I can't remember a single day I have woken up in my entire life without feeling sick or sore due to my tummy.
Everyday I swallow so many tablets morning noon and night. I take strong painkillers and sometimes have to take antisickness pills to keep the pain relief down. If it gets so severe I end up in a&e on a drip.
An IBS flare up is so severe that some women compare it to childbirth. Not all but some. Whenever I have one I can't breathe, I can't move and sweat beads roll off my face. I have sat screaming for six hours straight before from the sheer agony I am in. I sit in one position so long as I can't move a muscle that I get nerve pains in my legs. It gets so severe that most times I throw up just from the pain.
Any time a doctor sees me they send me to a&e incase it is my appendix but it never has been so far.
This is a very lonely and scary illness. The idea of getting out of bed with extreme fatigue is unfathomable. The idea of leaving a bathroom is unthinkable.
I have had every blood test, ultrasound, tubes, endoscopies, barium swallows and x rays that I can have.
This is a topic that needs more support and awareness! Chronic illness is so lonely and debilitating but I refuse to give up and I will continue to raise awareness!
Never give up no matter how lonely or how much pain you are in, you are loved!
E x :)
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Hey Hi Hey Hello there
Hey guys!
It's been ages I'm so sorry!
How have we all been? Everyday more people from different countries view my blog so to everyone new a massive hello and welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment!
I have been doing really well, I have started College which was petrifying but I'm getting there! It's new and refreshing! Plus it's Medical Science, how amazing?
I GOT DISCHARGED FROM OUTPATIENT CAMHS AFTER A DECADE!
It is petrifying and will take me a while to get used to but I can do it, today has just brought back all the memories but that's normal right?
Stay strong, talk soon,
Love always, E x
It's been ages I'm so sorry!
How have we all been? Everyday more people from different countries view my blog so to everyone new a massive hello and welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment!
I have been doing really well, I have started College which was petrifying but I'm getting there! It's new and refreshing! Plus it's Medical Science, how amazing?
I GOT DISCHARGED FROM OUTPATIENT CAMHS AFTER A DECADE!
It is petrifying and will take me a while to get used to but I can do it, today has just brought back all the memories but that's normal right?
Stay strong, talk soon,
Love always, E x
Thursday, 6 August 2015
"Why must we be so cruel?"
Depression.. heartache... pain... hopelessness.. loneliness.. doubt... fear... obsessions... compulsions... deflation... anxiety... worry... emotions... agony... betrayal...
Everything that I currently feel in my heart, chest, head, mind, and every other part of my body and soul. Little words have the power or ultimate passion to even partially explain the hurt of emotional distress.
I smile, I try, I support as best as I can. Not good enough. I dedicate my life to trying to assist others so that they are protected from the sheer terror of emotional agony. I never ask for a reward. Of recent people seem to think it's okay to rip me apart, to take my personality and to pick it to pieces and criticise. To judge me. And I'm left here asking myself why? :'(
I forgive more than I ever thought was possible, I always say never give up yet I'm sitting here trying to find a reason not to.
Why must we be so cruel? Why can't we all just be a little kinder? Why must we be filled with anger and meanness?
Be kind to those around you dear readers, you never know how much that one bit of kindness can save a lost soul. Offer a helping hand and don't be wicked. No one deserves to feel unwanted. No one.
Thank-you as always,
Erin x
Everything that I currently feel in my heart, chest, head, mind, and every other part of my body and soul. Little words have the power or ultimate passion to even partially explain the hurt of emotional distress.
I smile, I try, I support as best as I can. Not good enough. I dedicate my life to trying to assist others so that they are protected from the sheer terror of emotional agony. I never ask for a reward. Of recent people seem to think it's okay to rip me apart, to take my personality and to pick it to pieces and criticise. To judge me. And I'm left here asking myself why? :'(
I forgive more than I ever thought was possible, I always say never give up yet I'm sitting here trying to find a reason not to.
Why must we be so cruel? Why can't we all just be a little kinder? Why must we be filled with anger and meanness?
Be kind to those around you dear readers, you never know how much that one bit of kindness can save a lost soul. Offer a helping hand and don't be wicked. No one deserves to feel unwanted. No one.
Thank-you as always,
Erin x
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
"I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Good morning, afternoon, evening and night to you all! As my blog has now gone global I have many readers from different countries meaning different time zones so hello!
It has been agesss since I last posted but I have been studying hard for my psychology exam and have been unwell with different viruses which were yucky so that is why!
Today I wish to talk about life changes.
Whether it is leaving primary school to join secondary education, whether it is applying for UCAS or deciding which career path to go down, changes can be very scary, especially when you are young and don't have a lot of experience in that area.
So I myself am in this situation at the moment thinking which career is right? Which university? Have I applied for the correct course at tech? When do I want to travel? Even which car to buy can be stressful! Choice is daunting but can be very exhilarating at the same time so take a breath and know that it isn't the end of the world and very few things are finalised that can't be changed or altered, you will learn from your mistakes and choices no matter what!
Three simple tips!
Tip number 1.) Draw out a career ladder. I find this really useful. Get a piece of paper, simply draw a ladder from top to bottom on the page. The top of the ladder is where you want to get to, your ultimate goal, the bottom is where you currently are and what qualifications you hold. All the space in between is for what qualifications and skills you need to gain to reach your goal in chronological order. I find having a plan clearly drawn out in front of me, not including too much detail, can really help me relax and feel in control of the situation again!
Tip number 2.) Research, research, research! Whether it's which university, which car, which holiday or even to save or to spend, trust me, the best thing to do is do a lot of research. Know what you are talking about, whenever you go to purchase a product you want to feel confident and able to ask the sales person questions and not feel like they are pulling the wool over your eyes, know your rights, know which course suits your needs, know all your information and it lowers the stress on the day when you have to decide. Trust me, after a while you will know the information so well that you could be the salesperson or university lecturer and will feel confident in your decision with less doubts.
Tip number 3.) Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. There has been many people before you going through the same change in life or the same decision making process and it really helps to talk to someone in person about the reality, the pros and cons and not just what it says written on paper. It can really help hearing different opinions and may actually change your mind dramatically once you hear what each path contains and where it can lead. Ask your mum, or spouse or teacher or peer mentor, but don't be stubborn and feel it makes you look stupid, it doesn't, it makes you look wise.
It really is so stressful having to make such big decisions for your future, especially at this time of year when we're all getting prepared to sit exams but I hope these few hints and tips may make you think or may help you along your journey.
I read a quote this week which really made me think .. "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Hugs, E x
It has been agesss since I last posted but I have been studying hard for my psychology exam and have been unwell with different viruses which were yucky so that is why!
Today I wish to talk about life changes.
Whether it is leaving primary school to join secondary education, whether it is applying for UCAS or deciding which career path to go down, changes can be very scary, especially when you are young and don't have a lot of experience in that area.
So I myself am in this situation at the moment thinking which career is right? Which university? Have I applied for the correct course at tech? When do I want to travel? Even which car to buy can be stressful! Choice is daunting but can be very exhilarating at the same time so take a breath and know that it isn't the end of the world and very few things are finalised that can't be changed or altered, you will learn from your mistakes and choices no matter what!
Three simple tips!
Tip number 1.) Draw out a career ladder. I find this really useful. Get a piece of paper, simply draw a ladder from top to bottom on the page. The top of the ladder is where you want to get to, your ultimate goal, the bottom is where you currently are and what qualifications you hold. All the space in between is for what qualifications and skills you need to gain to reach your goal in chronological order. I find having a plan clearly drawn out in front of me, not including too much detail, can really help me relax and feel in control of the situation again!
Tip number 2.) Research, research, research! Whether it's which university, which car, which holiday or even to save or to spend, trust me, the best thing to do is do a lot of research. Know what you are talking about, whenever you go to purchase a product you want to feel confident and able to ask the sales person questions and not feel like they are pulling the wool over your eyes, know your rights, know which course suits your needs, know all your information and it lowers the stress on the day when you have to decide. Trust me, after a while you will know the information so well that you could be the salesperson or university lecturer and will feel confident in your decision with less doubts.
Tip number 3.) Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. There has been many people before you going through the same change in life or the same decision making process and it really helps to talk to someone in person about the reality, the pros and cons and not just what it says written on paper. It can really help hearing different opinions and may actually change your mind dramatically once you hear what each path contains and where it can lead. Ask your mum, or spouse or teacher or peer mentor, but don't be stubborn and feel it makes you look stupid, it doesn't, it makes you look wise.
It really is so stressful having to make such big decisions for your future, especially at this time of year when we're all getting prepared to sit exams but I hope these few hints and tips may make you think or may help you along your journey.
I read a quote this week which really made me think .. "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Hugs, E x
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Advocate Change!!
Hey guys!
So today has been a great day for me! No particular reason, I just felt happy when I woke up, and for someone living with mental health difficulties this defines a great day!
So I decided I would blog and usually I have outlines as to what I want to talk about, but tonight I'm kind of freestyle typing. I want to tackle the issue of social stigma but in a different kind of way.
We all hear a lot at the moment in the media about how we need to "Lower the stigmas around mental health" which is definitely a necessary task; however, to those who maybe haven't had a lot of experience in this field they tend to think about the big picture rather than individual life stories. By this I mean we can get caught up in tackling "How we all think people are crazy who have mental health difficulties" or "How we keep depression on the down low" .. I don't know about other people but to me this isn't where the stigma needs to be lowered as such. It's more daily tasks and views and passing comments that hold onto the stigma more.
For instance, I blog about mental health, I post it on facebook, instagram, I have even been interviewed about it, however I still struggle mentioning it in front of people face to face because usually they tend to go very silent and awkward. This I find is a lot more uncomfortable than someone making a comment or asking a question. I approach the subject usually in a funny manner. I would say something like "Oh me and my mucked up head" and then laugh, because people can manage that, however if I say "Oh my depression/anxiety is bad today" they freeze or stare. Mentioning I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital? Gosh that's a no zone!! So why do we try and tackle the big picture, and not the more personal aspects?
Yes it's hard to understand everyone's personal experience, but these awkward moments, these shocked faces are proving that lowering social stigmas isn't actually working. We can put up on a billboard a sign about mental health, we can report on the news the rates of suicide, but we aren't informing people just how common it is to have a mental health problem, how we don't have to tiptoe around the 'big scary subject'! I believe that mental health should be included a lot more in the curriculum of schools. How to notice the symptoms, how to take care of a friend, what organisations to contact, how to manage, self help techniques.. these are the things we should all be learning about because 1 in 4 of us in our lifetime will have a mental health difficulty!!
Social stigmas NEED to be lowered... not the cliché view of "We can't call people crazy anymore" .. but it should be discussed on a one to one basis and taught in classrooms, we need this change to happen to prevent unseen diagnoses and potential suicides!
Be the change you want to see in the world!!
#AdvocateChange
All my love, Erin. x
So today has been a great day for me! No particular reason, I just felt happy when I woke up, and for someone living with mental health difficulties this defines a great day!
So I decided I would blog and usually I have outlines as to what I want to talk about, but tonight I'm kind of freestyle typing. I want to tackle the issue of social stigma but in a different kind of way.
We all hear a lot at the moment in the media about how we need to "Lower the stigmas around mental health" which is definitely a necessary task; however, to those who maybe haven't had a lot of experience in this field they tend to think about the big picture rather than individual life stories. By this I mean we can get caught up in tackling "How we all think people are crazy who have mental health difficulties" or "How we keep depression on the down low" .. I don't know about other people but to me this isn't where the stigma needs to be lowered as such. It's more daily tasks and views and passing comments that hold onto the stigma more.
For instance, I blog about mental health, I post it on facebook, instagram, I have even been interviewed about it, however I still struggle mentioning it in front of people face to face because usually they tend to go very silent and awkward. This I find is a lot more uncomfortable than someone making a comment or asking a question. I approach the subject usually in a funny manner. I would say something like "Oh me and my mucked up head" and then laugh, because people can manage that, however if I say "Oh my depression/anxiety is bad today" they freeze or stare. Mentioning I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital? Gosh that's a no zone!! So why do we try and tackle the big picture, and not the more personal aspects?
Yes it's hard to understand everyone's personal experience, but these awkward moments, these shocked faces are proving that lowering social stigmas isn't actually working. We can put up on a billboard a sign about mental health, we can report on the news the rates of suicide, but we aren't informing people just how common it is to have a mental health problem, how we don't have to tiptoe around the 'big scary subject'! I believe that mental health should be included a lot more in the curriculum of schools. How to notice the symptoms, how to take care of a friend, what organisations to contact, how to manage, self help techniques.. these are the things we should all be learning about because 1 in 4 of us in our lifetime will have a mental health difficulty!!
Social stigmas NEED to be lowered... not the cliché view of "We can't call people crazy anymore" .. but it should be discussed on a one to one basis and taught in classrooms, we need this change to happen to prevent unseen diagnoses and potential suicides!
Be the change you want to see in the world!!
#AdvocateChange
All my love, Erin. x
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