Distraction techniques for when you feel you have lost control!

Hey strangers!


Feel like I need to say that seeming as I haven't blogged in well over a month!


How have we all been doing? Christmas? New Years? So many events and celebrations! I'm sure it's been a rollercoaster for you all like it has been for me!


If anyone has any requests for blogs throughout 2015 give me a wee message or comment and I will respond ASAP! I'm really busy atm with so many different things but I will try to get back into the swing of blogging!


So recently has been very difficult for me. I got a very nasty flu over Christmas which always starts the anxiety off! I felt very out of control and resorted back to not eating correctly or even nearly enough which in turn led to me losing weight... again. My urges increased and basically the voice in my head and the intrusive and depressive thoughts have been overpowering. However, I am just about managing to keep them under control and I'm battling away because in recovery, as we all know, that is all we can do when things seem worthless and never ending, keep going.


I thought tonight I'd go over some techniques that are distraction whenever you feel like you have no other option but to act on your urges. For a lot of you this will seem probably quite patronising and repetitive however this may be new information to somebody who is very scared tonight, so for that reason I shall share with you some tips. I myself use these, some more than others, however tonight especially I am finding it extremely hard to battle them, so here goes -


1.) Whenever you feel numb, or the emotional pain and distress is far too great to manage on your own, you will most likely have thoughts of self harm. So one way of feeling a physical sensation which will not cause harm is ice. Get ice cubes from wherever you can manage to get them, hold one in each hand/in crease of elbow and squeeze really tight, so you can feel the ice freezing away in your hand/crease of elbow. Whenever it melts, your skin may feel a little - very numb, so repeat, however on a new position on skin.


2.) Elastic bands. Put elastic bands around your wrist and lower arm, and ping them back and forward so you get the sting of the elastic without any scars.


3.) Progressive muscle relaxation. If you don't have sheets on this, look up the full exercise online. Basically you tense and relax every muscle in your body, one at a time, from your head to your toes and then relax them one at a time so as to know the feeling of tensing and the true feeling of relaxing.


4.) Safe place. Go to a place in your head, a place where you have no possible chance of getting hurt or being harmed. This may be a beach, a treehouse, a park, a boat, an igloo, or somewhere that you have previously been that you felt very relaxed in, you can even create a place in your mind! This place is just for you. Describe to yourself or out loud what the place looks like, everything you can see, what smells you can sense, what your body feels like, is there sun heating up your skin or is there snow cooling you down? Can you feel grainy sand, or the swinging motion of a hammock? What can you hear? Is there silence? Can you taste anything? Stay in this place for as long as you need to relax and then slowly return to reality again.


5.) Drawing on your skin. Use a red pen and write/draw along your arms and legs or wherever you usually harm.


6.) Write in a journal. You can do this two ways. One is write about how your feeling and anything you wish to let out. The other is if you have a lot of anger then scribble/write on a page of paper, scrunch it up, rip it apart and throw it away!


7.) Breathing. Especially when anxious and hyperventilating this is useful. We breathe in too much oxygen for our bodies to cope with whenever we hyperventilate so it is very important that we breathe out for longer than breathing in. So breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, breathe out for 5 - 6 seconds or as long as feels manageable, then hold for two seconds before repeating the process. This is very hard to do whenever you are very worked up practice this exercise whenever you aren't anxious and you will be more prepared to deal with the situation when you are. So breathe in .. 2 .. 3..4 and hold .. and hold .. and breathe out .. 2 ...3...4...5...6.. and hold at the bottom and hold ... and repeat.


8.) Add colours to your breathing depending on your mood. So whenever you feel anxious for example imagine breathing in the colour pale blue, and breathing out red. If you are depressed breathe in white or yellow and breathe out black. Etc.


I haven't gone into great detail here as they all are very individual and if there are any you would like me to explain more please ask, I have many more techniques I can offer if none of these work or suit you, don't panic! There are always other options!


Never.Give.Up.


All my love,


Erin.. x

A day in the life of an Anxiety Disorder..

Hey lovelies!


I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a long time but I have been soo busy!


This past week or so I have been struggling severely with my anxiety, it came to a head this morning and I threw up everywhere.


So I was thinking, I am going to let you into what it's like to live a day in the life of a person with an anxiety disorder. (It's a little altered to match me personally) Here goes..


Wake up. Breathe. Oh my gosh it's a new day, can I cope with this day, what do I have to do today? Oh no I have to go to tech, that means people, people looking at me, oh dear I better dress right or they'll laugh, but if I dress too much they'll laugh, but if I don't dress up enough I won't be able to mask the fact that I'm panicking. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, no more worries. And then the jitters, constant jumping in my legs, arms and thoughts going a million miles an hour around my head. Nope Erin you can't go back to sleep, your body won't let you. Sit up. I feel sick, I'm going to be sick, I'm scared. Go down stairs for breakfast..


Test blood sugars. Have I washed my hands? Will this affect the reading, will I give too much insulin and go low later and have to eat in front of everyone else and feel sick and act stupid because I'm hypo and panic... panic. Smell food going downstairs. MASSIVE PANIC. Feel sick, I can't eat, I won't eat, I hate the feeling of food inside my tummy, I hate the taste of it, I don't need to eat, it's better for me if I don't. But if I don't eat my tummy will get upset, and I'll be sicker. Wretch, wretch and wretch some more. Eat, move between three different chairs whilst trying to eat. Walk about, use phone for distraction, play music. Go outside too cold, go inside too warm and smells like food. Can't go to shower just ate, have to go to shower or be late, quickly Erin think think think you're not thinking enough, you're thinking too much this is your fault. Go to shower, if it's too hot my bloods will go low and I'll pass out, if it's too cold my back goes into spasm where I had my surgery and go into pain, I have to hurry up I'm not going quick enough, I'll be late to class, I will be yelled at, I'll cry, people will think I'm childish, I will panic, make bad memories and never go back. ERIN GO QUICKER. I can't go quicker, someone help, slow down time oh yeah I can't oh gosh should I just not wear makeup today, no because then people will see my face and I hate my face and I can't stand what I look like and no one will come near me because I'm hideous. Don't be so fickle Erin, no one wants to be your friend if that's all you care about, you're a bad person and a bad example. Am I? Oh my gosh I am aren't I?


Getting dressed. Did I take all of my medication? Did I take too much? Oh no I took too little? Have I packed my bag to go. If I don't have my time sheet they won't know I'm on limited hours. I'll have to explain and talk when I feel sick and don't want to open my mouth. I'll have to come back another day and get the pay sorted. What if the pay doesn't go through? I'll have to explain myself, I'll need my careers advisor, she'll think I'm annoying. I'll cry, why will I cry, don't be stupid, I can't help it! Have you got your blood kit, if not you'll get in trouble, you won't know what your blood sugars are and then pass out, or feel unwell, what if I've lost it? Will the doctor give me another one? I can't leave it unattended, I can't put it where it's too warm in a heater or the sun but I can't leave it in the car as it's too cold and will not work. Where is it? Have I broke it? Is it filled with needles correctly? Oh no that reminds me of my insulin! Is the vile full? Have I got a replacement? Is it the right injection or is it the other one? Is there needles? Is it out of the heat? Lucozade, you will die without lucozade, what if it makes me sick, well bring coke but I'm not sure! If I have a hypo and I'm not allowed to bring my drink out to fix it the teachers will shout at me and I'll be too confused and low to answer and I won't know what to do. Is it out of date? Has it been in the fridge? Have you go a snack incase you need one? Or tissues for your blood kit? Erin is your phone charged?? Did you plug it in right last night? What happens when you need mum because you feel sick and you don't have your phone? If you go to the office you will have to explain yourself? Is my mobile on or off, have I missed a message from a friend and let them down? Did they need me? I need to make sure they're okay! Erin you are such a rubbish friend, look at everyone you need to message, just look at them! Oh flip I forgot the time, keep getting dressed! Should I wear that and look fat? But if I wear that it makes my tummy sore? Which one is more important today? HURRRRYYY!!! Get in the car, oh no mum I'm going to be sick, I can't deal with today, I'm going to cry, I start crying, your make up will run! They'll call you an attention seeker, they will not want to be your friend when they find out how crazy you are Erin! Please thoughts I'm begging you slow down, I can't hear myself think, I feel dizzy, did I take my meds? Are my bloods low, I can't be late for class! Getting closer to tech, I can't get out theres people outside, don't look them in the eye, no look them straight on in the face? Which one erin you have ten seconds well don't do the inbetween! Think! Which door? Which door? Oh no mums pulling off I need her back, start to cry again, I'm going to be sick, I can't do this.


Walk through the door, see a friend, fake a smile and say heyy! Feel like I'm going to cry and throw up and I want to go home and hide and I'm scared. Is my phone off? Mum said leave it on but the teachers say turn it off? Will it go off? is that a good thing or a bad thing? Which room is class in today? I don't know, It will be so embarrassing going to the wrong room, oh flip ask someone, they don't know, do I look like a goodie goodie asking where class is and caring? Should I be in earlier, how long have they been here for. They hate me in here. They all know eachother and don't want me here. Go to class.. everyone is quiet, they will here me be sick, I can feel the tension, I can't sit in this room, start jittering again, start hyperventilating, throat gets tight, I can't breathe, come on Erin zone out you can do this, keep smiling no one will know, keep thinking of another place, you aren't here, not here, not now, you're safe, I'm not safe, they hate me, help me please I need out, look at the door, where is the door? How many people and classes will I pass before getting to the toilets? Where should I go, should I run, should I sit? Are people looking at me, help me Erin think I'm scared, breathe, legs jitter faster.


Leaving tech.. if I didn't text back straight away they will think I'm being mean, I have too many people to help, I have too many people I need to message, but I don't have any friends. Why would someone want to be your friend? I need one though I'm lonely, that's good it means no one has to see you panicking. I can't text back, if I panic anymore I will feel worthless and my urges get stronger, I'll have to go back to hospital, what if I lose control?? I can't go back there!! I'm scared, that might happen or I might not survive, I will have no friends, I am a bad person.

Did I test my blood sugars? Did I do it right? Will the doctors tell me off? Can I eat dinner, I can't oh no smell dinner, food ahh help me I will be sick. Sitting at the table jittering like mad, leave table come back again leave again! You can't, you can, you can't, it has flavour you'll be sick! It's getting dark outside, I'm alone. The depressive thoughts are strong. I'll not make it through the night, that's good, that's awful nooo it's great! I want to message my friends but I'll be annoying them, maybe if I wrote a status? No they will think I'm too positive, no too negative, they will think I'm attention seeking! I want to speak to a particular person, why would they speak to you? They are laughing at you and showing others your messages, I'm scared.


Bed time, I am so tired but I am wide awake. My head is still going a million miles an hour, did I take my medication? Did I take the right injection? Remember to eat enough to get you through the night. You might have a hypo and not make it through the night, are you annoyed with anyone? Give them a hug! Noo are my teeth clean? Clean enough? Oh no I'm disgusting, no one will come near me. I can't deal with these OCD thoughts, I'm so weird, no one else is like this. I can't deal with tomorrow. I am so happy. I am so awful for being happy. You are not happy. I can't sleep if I don't sleep I won't get up in the morning, I'll be late, miss a day and spiral backwards and live in my room and never leave and it will my own fault. Sleep erin sleeeeeppppp. Shut up thoughts please please, oh no my blood sugars are low.. got to get up again, help.




... This is a glimpse into the life of someone living with an anxiety disorder. It is exhausting. You never get a break. I hope this may make you more empathetic to those who have to battle this every single day, and please don't constantly repeat the line "There is nothing to be scared of." It makes us feel pathetic.


All my love,


Erin xx

Strength, you possess more of it than you think!

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."


I really believe in this quotation.


We constantly doubt our abilities to cope and manage. We look into the future and panic so much that we forget just how amazingly well we are coping with the day we are currently living in. The present moment.


Only now that I'm old enough to have memories, to look back on experiences, am I able to say, 'Gosh if someone told me I had to live through that again, I couldn't." Why? Because we forget the strength that we have in that very moment to cope with the unexpected, even after we have experienced it. That strength only appears when it is needed, we have this really weird way of forgetting how strong we can be.


It's a bit like pain. When we suffer an injury, especially a severe one, we know at that time that the pain feels almost unbearable, however as time goes on, can we remember the exact feeling of how painful it actually was? Nope, most likely, we can't. Think about it, think of a time you were in a lot of pain, you can still say, "Oh my word it was agony", but can you remember the actual feeling of agony? Highly unlikely. For example, when I had my spinal surgery, I know even though I was on at least seven different pain killers, I was in absolute agony. I remember telling a nurse that I was going to die because there was no way a humans level of pain could manage the severity for any longer. Jump forward three and a half years and here I am today. I can tell you it was excruciating, but I cannot remember what it actually felt like. Yes, some strong drugs can interfere but I believe it's our brains protecting us from the memory as it was so excruciating.


This resembles our memory of our levels of strength. We easily forget the strength that we internally possess that only shows when we desperately need it.


Strength endurance and sport endurance are very similar. For both, the more you practice and test yourself, the more you push yourself, the higher your coping levels become. The more hurdles you jump over the larger the obstacles you can overcome in the future. But most importantly for both, you need to be motivated, pick yourself back up after you fall and as cliché as it sounds, believe in yourself.


It takes strength to be you, who you really are, to go where you want to go and achieve what you dream to achieve.


It all starts with a dream, an effort and by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, you will end up achieving the impossible.


Stop doubting your abilities, remember, we forget the strength that we actually possess!


Love, E :) x

The Power of Love..

I am currently snuggled up in my converted attic bedroom, watching 'The Polar Express' trying to recuperate from a nasty virus. Today, I'd like to dedicate this post to everyone out there who has experienced the feeling of love. There are so many various ways of this emotion being expressed, and so many forms, for example, a mother's love for her child, a boyfriend's love for his girlfriend, a dog's love for his owner, God's love for all of us, a grandfather's love for his granddaughter,  a husband's love for his wife, a sister's love for her younger brother, etc. I believe there is no greater gift than love. To be filled with the potential to let another person feel warm, safe, special, excited, worthy, and to show them that they are needed and belong. To know that everyday you wake up that day holds the potential of gaining the love of yesterday's stranger. And most importantly, imagining the possibilities that lay before you, the hearts out there who have not yet been touched by the brilliance of your existence. Think, there are people out there, getting on with their daily tasks, who wish you knew how much they love you.


To love without pain is a lie. It comes as a packaged deal. Love is wonderful and powerful, but anything so powerful has to contain the possibility of devastation. Just think, we allow ourselves to love others and sometimes to accept the love in return all the time knowing that our hearts are no longer in our control, we lay them on the table for everyone to look at and damage in anyway they wish, but we still let ourselves do this. Why? Because that is the power of love. The power of love makes us put their needs before our own. The power of love takes away a part of our control. The power of love runs parallel to the power of hate. Two emotions so strong that they link, cross and are siblings in the field of entwined feelings. It is normal to have hatred feeling for those we love, temporarily, and it is actually normal to love those we hate. This is why. Also, take unrequited love for example, the pain that surrounds this is unbearable, yet we can't stop ourselves from loving no matter how powerful the pain, love is addictive.


I am honoured that I am blessed with the capability to love others, for there is no greater gift, apart from maybe having the capability to be loved in return.


We make the mistake in confusing falling in love with lasting love, one is natural, one needs commitment, one may fade, the other, well, the clue is in the name.




So many serious global issues can be resolved by love, but we don't believe the idea, and as our faith dwindles so does the possibility. LOVE HAS THE POWER TO END WARS, LOVE HAS THE STRENGTH TO SAVE LIVES, LOVE IS THE EVERLASTING REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.


My love always, E x

No child should have to face their worst nightmare alone.

Hello guys,

I'm aware that this post may attract a few new readers so to all of those who have not read my blog before, a massive hello goes to you and welcome to my site!

Tonight is the night we all congregate to watch and support BBC Children In Need 2014. Every year we attempt to raise more money than was raised the previous year. We wait patiently to hear which artists will be performing, we wait patiently to see the special episodes of television shows uniquely produced for this event and we wait patiently to donate money to those children who so desperately need it.

As time goes on, a lot of emphasis is placed on the show itself and sometimes we lose sight of the importance of the donations and where they actually go to.

I have been working behind the scenes this past while communicating as much as I could with those who haven't had a fair deal in life. With those who are supported by Children In Need.

I have gathered personal stories for you all to read. Stories which are true, stories of the lives of these brave young fighters. Some of the charities mentioned and other organisations may not be funded by BBC Children In Need yet, however these are examples of the services necessary for supporting individuals and therefore need funding. These young people have struggled with some of the most difficult experiences anyone ever has to face. They want to support others, they continue to look at life with as much positivity as they can. And tonight, for you, they have shared their stories and they ask that you please pick up the phone and donate to BBC Children In Need 2014. You will now read about their reasons..

Terri's story -

"My names Terri, and I was admitted to a psychiatric unit in August 2013 until the end of December 2013 with depression, an addiction to self harm, a distorted vision of the world around me and suicidal thoughts. Without the help I received I wouldn't be here today. Donating money will help me and a lot of other adolescents in need get the help they deserve, such as a hospital bed in worst cases, to fund therapists and nurses and outside, you'd be helping fund therapists to help teenagers like me and possibly helping prevent them reaching as low a state as hospitalization. Without nurses and hospital I wouldn't be here today, but unfortunately they're cutting down on the beds in the only mental adolescent hospital we have in Northern Ireland but with your help, we can change that and give the help people deserve."

Danielle's story -

"My name is Danielle McGriskin, I'm 18 years old and I have a brain tumour and hydrocephalus, AKA Annie and Heidi. Soon after I was diagnosed in July 2011 I was devastated to find out how little cancer research funding is being spent on brain tumours, currently less than 2% in the UK. Please support Children In Need so that you help children and young people like me who have been affected by a cancer diagnosis. Take a read of my blog called, "Danielle's Journey" (daniellemcgriskin.blogspot.co.uk) to follow my journey living with Annie and Heidi. Thank you!"

Joanna's story -

"A lot of people aren't aware of just how many young people suffer from mental illnesses. Lets just say there are 20 children in a class. Did you know its likely that at least two of those kids suffer from some form of mental illness? (According to The Office for National Statistics Mental health in children and young people in Great Britain, 2005) I can tell you, that for what is supposed to be the most vital part of growing up, I have myself been one of those two children. From the ages of 12-16 I fought some hard battles, without any professional support. The main reason for the fact I did it practically alone is simply because I didn't feel there was anywhere for me to go. I was aware my school had a councillor who came in once a week, but I didn't so much as know how to go about getting counselling and I always doubted I was "Sick Enough."
Can I point out those statistics I mentioned before are from 2005, that's nine years ago, with technology developing and cyber-bullying becoming a bigger problem than it ever has before, I don't doubt these numbers are now outdated. This is why I support children in need, and you should do. Children in need grant money to a wide range of organisations, including those who support young people suffering from mental health issues. I don't want other young people going through what I have alone."

Lydia's story - 

"Having been a Type 1 diabetic for 7 years now (I'm 19 now), I can honestly say that living with the condition isn’t easy. According to the Equality Act 2010, you’re considered disabled if you suffer with a physical or mental impairment that negatively affects your day-to-day activities. Going by this definition, Diabetes can be viewed as a disability. However, it’s one that cannot be seen unless you count the bruises from daily insulin injections or the drunk-like behaviour typical of a hypoglycaemic attack (low blood sugar). There is no cure as yet but I am hopeful that current and future research will get us there. So in the meantime, we aim for good control which is precisely what I did not have until I took part in the CHOICE programme at the Royal Belfast Hospital for Sick Children. I learnt how to carb count and calculate the appropriate insulin dose after taking into account my meal and blood sugar level. In short, I learnt why I have to take regular readings and follow my doctors’ advice. As a result, I feel much more empowered and I’m more willing to take readings because I can use the figures rather than simply filling a diary for a Specialist to flick through.The reason for me going on about my story is to try to emphasize that growing up is difficult enough without adding a disability, bereavement or bullying in to the mix. This is why help, in any shape or form, can change a person’s life for the better and so any donation to Children In Need, whether big or small, is vitally important in making that help possible.In addition to my story, I was asked to mentor a young girl who is also diabetic and was just starting her first year at Hunterhouse College in 2009. If I’m being perfectly honest, I didn’t mentor much, if at all and in fact, over the years, I would go so far as to say she’s mentored me and I have the privilege of being able to call her my friend. She’s gone through so much and has actually come out stronger for it. So I’d just like to dedicate (can I even do this?) my little essay to a wonderful inspiration, Erin Loughran (assuming she actually decides to put this in)."

D's story -

"I was referred to Action for Children in 2012 due to anxiety, panic attacks, fear of social events and depression. I was given a mentor called carol. She visited my house twice a week where we would work on self-esteem, body image, set goals and she would also take me out for coffee or shopping. This was extremely helpful and I had a close bond with her and I actually enjoyed seeing her. It wasn't like the usual CAMHS appointments, it was informal and confidential. Unfortunately, Action for Children is a funded charity and did not have the funds to continue my visits. The charity is still working, but donations would be very helpful to others who need help with anxiety, depression, eating disorders or any other mental illness. I would do anything to have this back but unfortunately it is not possible. So please donate to BBC Children In Need, funding is vital."

Jordan's story -

"My name is Jordan Caldwell and I have been fighting anorexia for almost 6 years now. I have been hospitalised for over a year and also out of school for over a year aswell. I was in an ordinary ward for 2 months and then I had to go into a psychiatric hospital for just over 11 months. I had many of scares with doctors telling my family it was beyond them how I was still alive and functioning, it was thanks to God who kept me safe and functioning. I then took an caesura on my birthday and was lucky to be alive again. I have had a life changing experience an eventually started on the road to recovery this time last year. Since that I have done many different things to spread the word and help others. I have done radio interviews, newspaper articles, worked with fixers an was on UTV. Just few weeks ago I represented fixers at the red carpet in London. It was simply amazing an one of best days to date in my life. I have also been giving the chance to make a clip for primary schools through a friend who works in schools. I am also going to be a media volunteer for the charity BEAT. I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason and I feel I didn't get anorexia to hide away and not talk about it but to talk and try to help others. I am now the main focus point for anorexia in males in the UK. My life has changed dramatically over the past year. I have changed from being at deaths door for 5 years to now being the main person in the Uk for anorexia in males an doing many workshops an webinars to help others. I have now met many celebrities and they are amazed and touched by my story which is amazing. Mental health an eating disorders is now a huge part of our society. Not enough emphasis is placed on it. It's not just an eating problem but also a mental one. Eating is only 1/3 of the illness. This is why the organisation BEAT is a fantastic service. It gives individuals such as me the chance to share the story to others and to help them learn more to then go on and help other anorexics. This is why you should donate this year to BBC Children In Need as they fund BEAT.  They deserve recognition for the amazing service they provide and the chance they give recovering anorexics. Just think today of all those people who are affected or suffering from an eating disorder. You would want them to be strong and take that brave step to recovery. Well BEAT helps young people do this. So even if it is a little amount it will make a difference. So go on donate to BEAT. And from behalf of me an all those other anorexics who are helped or work along with BEAT we just want to say a huge thanks as with your donations you are helping us make a difference to try an help eating disorders. #beatanorexia!"


Carrie's story -


" Hi I'm Carrie, and I'm 18! I'm a young carer for my younger and only sister and have been ever since she was born when I was two years old.
Even from a young age I was always involved in my sisters care even though I didn't fully understand her illness until I was much older.
Having to care for her changed my whole life and they way I look at the world. It was and is extremely hard at times, my life was full, especially when my sister was younger and less stable, of hospital trips and staying with neighbours and trying to help someone that you can't quite understand how to help.
It's a very hard job that so many people do, it just, as any young carer will tell you, becomes a way of life and you never think that this isn't what "normal" kids and teenagers do, but you do it because you love and care for that person with all you heart and soul.
However, I feel more could be done to help and support people like me, I have only just started receiving help from a young carers service and so many carers don't even realise the services that are out there for them, I definitely didn't! If you are a young carer I'd urge you to look into support groups and services. It's a job that many underestimate but means a great deal to the special someone you're caring for. ~
BBC Children in Need is such a brilliant cause that helps so so many people.
Giving someone even as a little as a pound goes a long way.
So go on, be a hero for BBC Children in Need."


Jade's story -


"My name is Jade Ritchie, I'm 17 years old and have currently started on my road to recovery with anorexia and depression. In May 2013 my dad was rushed into hospital with what we thought was appendicitis. A few hours later he returned from theatre with draining tubes and many more machines attached to his body. We
Were then told after 2 weeks of seeing my daddy so Ill- that he has cancer and would be starting chemo soon after. My family were so confused and scared. The constant thought of how can this happen? He's too young? But he carried on.
In July 2013 I visited my family GP regularly as my family started to notice my weight loss. After one month I was then referred to the young people's centre in Belfast were I received counselling. In October 2014 age 16 my counsellor then referred me to Beechcroft mental health hospital were I started visiting the EDYS (eating disorder youth service) team were I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I attended the clinic twice a week getting counselling, then my appointments became more regular. I didn't see myself as seriously underweight nor did I believe that I was so unhealthy my organs were showing signs off shutting down. How could I believe this when all I seen in the mirror was a fat, ugly waste of space that didn't deserve to live? As my counselling went on I thought it was time I told my family how I felt. Since I can remember I was always the 'big' one out of my friends, the 'tomboy' who was a 'tank'. I hated myself in every way already without the constant reminder everyday that I was fat and ugly.
When I was 14, attending an all girls secondary school i knew myself I needed to change. I cut out food, hid food from my family and friends and carried on reminding everyone that I was okay. Laughing and joking when deep down all I wanted was to die. Being 11 and a half stone and dropping to 6 in less than a year. On the 3rd of January 2014 I was admitted to Beechcroft mental health hospital as an inpatient as I was seriously underweight, self harming and had constant thoughts of life not being worth living. I spent 6 and a half months in ward 1 being re-fed and counselled for depression.
While in hospital I got bad news, that my daddy's cancer wasn't curable and they were giving him time. My mind was going crazy but I needed to be here for my family. I reminded myself off this everyday.
On the 16th of June 2014 I was discharged from hospital. I got back home and realised how much my family needed me here.
Without the help of many charities me, and my family wouldn't be where we are today. Dads still fighting to the end and I'm currently struggling but enjoying my time I have left with him. All I can do is stay strong. So please, tonight, pick up your phone and donate to BBC Children In Need 2014. Myself and so many others need your funding. Thank-you."


Special words from ~

Tara Mills BBC Broadcaster -

 "I've seen at first hand the amazing work by Children In Need. So many children don't get a good start and intervention - even something small - can make a huge difference to their lives." 

Mister Sanders,  London hiphop producer and rap artist - 

"I think people should donate to a good cause for under priviliged children who haven't had a fair deal to allow us to create opportunities for them so they can aspire to be something in life. There needs to be ways for them to understand that no matter where you come from you can be someone."


And finally I would like to say that BBC Children In Need funds so many charities and organisations close to my heart, from diabetes related charities, to mental health foundations, and I am currently working with MACS supporting young people charity, this is funded by Children In Need. I promise you, your donations make such a huge difference to young people's lives all across the land.


We will ensure that no child has to face their worst nightmare alone.

Tonight you have the opportunity to be a hero.


Don't miss it.


Thank-you.

Visit the following website which tells you how you can donate.. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/22w0vNWLPftNlYjwPtclpDw/donate 


Erin x

You are not defined by how many likes you get on your pictures!

Hey,


So tonight I'm going to talk about something that is rather personal to me and I'm sure a lot of you too. Body image.


When I hear these two words so many horrible thoughts go through my head, negative thoughts about myself. It's a hard topic to speak about without seeming attention seeking, I completely get that, it's hard to listen to someone say this stuff and not think ugh they want attention or someone to pay them compliments and to be honest I'd probably think that, or well I would have, but not now as much.


One part of my battle is that with self esteem and poor body image. People probably think oh you post loads of selfies and outfits so clearly you don't have issues with that, again I totally get how that looks. Personally, I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone anymore, so I'm comfortable doing these things. I post pictures whenever I'm wearing make-up and usually have a filter on them. I DO NOT ADVOCATE THE NEED TO WEAR MAKEUP BECAUSE GIRLS/BOYS YOU REALLY DO NOT NEED IT NOR DO YOU NEED TO EDIT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS. I do it only because it's something I really struggle with and at present need to do so.


I struggle looking in mirrors, I struggle seeing what looks back at me. I don't want to say everything I dislike about how I look because that's just going to end in a flippin' self loathing negative swirl of comments and I can't be bothered with that haha! But just putting it out there for others, especially those who are younger and tend to copy those who are a bit older.


Girls, (and boys if this relates to you), you do not need to feel worthless if you don't get as many likes on your pictures. Your worth is not destined on how many instagram/facebook likes you get. If you don't have bleached blonde hair, or the most up to date GHD straighteners,  wear white chunk heels, fake tan, belly bandeau tops, have "on point" eyebrows and know how to perfectly pose in a supposedly innocent way, I salute you. If you do these things I have nothing against you, if it makes you feel happy and you love that style then go for it! I'm just generalizing this as I know so many people feel worthless because they aren't "one of those girls".


I promise you, if you wish to have pale skin. If you wish to wear vintage style. If you prefer covering yourself up. If you just cannot hack the pain of walking in heels. If you really don't want a camera in your face pouting for selfies all the time. If you would rather read a classic novel as opposed to a magazine. If you follow the Bible closer than the recent style trends. If you have no idea who Cara Delevingne actually is. If you haven't got a leather jacket, an iPhone .. in white obviously... a choker necklace, a massive bow for your hair. If you don't get over 20 likes on a picture you post on social media, if people don't comment about omw they wish they were you. If you are that person sitting at home in tears wishing that you were loved, that people noticed, that society would WAKE UP and for the love of pete realise the important things in this world!! You are amazing. You don't fit into the uniform of society's pressure? GO YOU! You want to never dye your hair well that saves money doesn't it! You study, you work hard, you maybe hate all forms of intellect and prefer manual work! YOU ARE SPECIAL. You do not in any way shape or form need to try and fit in with this trend. You are amazing as you are. It sounds so cliché but if I could maybe just make one reader realise that when an interviewer asks you in a few years what your qualities are, saying I have 300 likes on my profile picture ain't going to get you that job. Trying to desperately not let your looks fade by spending more money on make up than your child's clothes in years to come is not going to raise your family. Imagine your daughter was looking at you now, feeling that unless she spends money in topshop she isn't worthy of her place on this beautiful, challenging world. Just imagine that.


Please, I ask of you, be proud to be different. You are not defined by popularity. I am not the prettiest girl who has lived nor am I a genius, a lot of people dislike my style, I don't get hundreds of likes on my pictures on facebook, but does that make me any less of a person? Will that make me happier? No. I live my life doing what I feel is best for me, and not copying society's constant trend change.


You are you and my goodness you are amazing. If you love yourself or hate yourself, if you are extremely popular or if you go unnoticed in the corridors most days, just realise you are you and there isn't another person on this earth who could be you as well you can!


#TrueBeautyIsNotWornItIsContained


Love E x

I'M BACK!!

Ahh hello lovelies! :D


I am back, I sincerely apologise for not posting for quite a while! A lot has happened over the past week!


I have moved into my new house and I love love love my new bedroom, it is a converted attack and is basically my dream come true! I have only just got wifi back so I thought what should I do first and ahh of course I decided to blog!! After we get a few things done I will be decorating my room and I have lots of quirky ideas so that's really exciting!


IT WAS HALLOWEEN YESTERDAY AND I WENT TRICK OR TREATING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS LIKE 5!! I did not have an organised outfit but last minute I worked with what I had and turned out being a dead fairy.. interestinggg haha! I will have pictures up soon on my facebook/instagram for you guys to see! There was an event on called 'Twilight night by fairy light' at my local park and the tickets were sold out so my friend and I hiked from my house down to it in the BUCKETING rain, all dressed up and the security guard gave us wristbands for free and they were VIP! We had an amazing night, there was food, lantern walks, live irish music and the best firework show ever! (Although one of the fireworks went into the audience by accident and it was rather scary)!


I have soo many ideas for upcoming blogs so please keep an eye out and get involved!


Much love, E x