Hey guys!
I haven't been blogging for quite a while as I've had lots going on in my own life and I haven't had much time. Tonight however I feel ready to post a blog that has been in my mind for quite a while.
We are all our own people. I am my own person. To each person in my life I am a different person but to me I am one person. Some people know me as that girl who walks around college in weird jumpers and glasses while others know me as the girl who wears madly bright lipstick on nights out. To the kids I teach in Sunday school I'm probably that old boring teacher and to my elders I'm probably a young head the ball!
Through this blog I have opened up a lot of my personal life to you all, yes this has it's adverse effects however I do this because I feel that sharing is caring. Sharing my story may help others and therefore it is of use so that is why I do this.
Over the years I have faced many physical health problems and mental health problems, names have been given and taken away, I have attended many different hospitals and it was only a few days ago that I received my most recent diagnosis. So for all those who are reading who aren't sure what 'problems' I have to see whether they can relate or I can help you then I'll give you a quick brief.
I was born a sickly baby. I was three weeks old apparently when I first got sick. I had severe reflux when I was a child leading to a lot of vomiting daily. I was diagnosed with Type One diabetes at the age of 8 after nearly losing my life due to being incredibly sick. I was diagnosed with major scoliosis of the spine when I was 12 and underwent a major spinal surgery when I was 13 to have rods screwed onto my spine to help this. I have suffered from crippling anxiety since I was 3 years old. I spent eight months in a psychiatric inpatient unit when I was 16 due to severe depression, self harm and multiple suicide attempts. In the past year I have been diagnosed with a hiatus hernia, a digestive disorder linked to gut dismotility, background retinopathy in my eyes and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
That was a brief run down of my medical and mental health disorders that have lead me to be here talking to you all today. Let me tell you, as hard as my journey has been it is an absolute honour to be able to take my knowledge, experience and empathy from my journey and apply it to helping others.
I get asked a lot, how do you cope? A lot of people say to me 'Oh my word I couldn't inject myself everyday' or 'I couldn't be on that strict diet' or 'How did you cope for 8 months in a loony hospital'. Trust me I don't get annoyed or judge those who say these things to me. Heck yeah I understand if I hadn't experienced what I have I'd probably be saying the same things if I met a medical mystery like myself!!
My answer however is this. I'm not a perfect person and I never will claim to be. I'm not a hero because I have lived with pain, because if that was the case we'd all be heroes because we all live with pain in some form or fashion. I'm not weak either, I'm not a victim of what has happened to me. I won't ask you not to pity me but I won't ask you to pity me either. Yeah some days I feel sorry for myself and I'm like darn a bit of pity wouldn't go a miss right now but then there are other days when I'm like do you know what look at me go I don't need pity I am blessed with everything I have. So many people have such strong opinions on how people treat them when the truth is people are only trying to help and take in your problems. It must be really hard to hear about all my problems and automatically not think jeepers that's a mad amount, because yeah it is! But hey, I have the ability to love and be loved, I can walk, I can smile and I can help others!
There are many days where I curl into a ball, don't want to get up and face my problems, I'll cry, I'll ask why me? I'll feel sorry for myself. There are many days where I'll get up power through, be so happy, and use my experiences to help others. There are some days which are in between and I won't impact others but guess what? That's okay!
No one is perfect in this world! No one is always right (however much I want to believe I am), No one is always wrong either! We all share this world together and we all have ups and downs!
I will admit I have been through a lot of years of therapy and still probably could benefit from more. Growing up with constant sickness and pain is lonely, I missed out on friendships, I lost out on normal schooling, I missed a lot. But at the same time I gained so much that others never will, I learned empathy and patience at such a young age. I learned how to cope with a panic attack, how to deal with severe pain, how to be independent with my medication and how to be there for others at a very young age. These are life skills that will stick with me forever.
One thing that never changed with me is my determination. At certain very low points my motivation quivered but that is different from my internal determination. I have gathered the strength that I have today from years worth of fighting.
When I missed out school, I was home schooled or else I tutored myself at home. If you think getting motivation to study in class is hard then I can tell you it's extremely hard to motivate yourself whilst sitting in your own living room. I studied for my GCSEs whilst being an inpatient in hospital and losing someone very close to me to cancer. My textbooks are still stained with the tears I cried into them whilst trying desperately to learn kinetic theory. The nurses used to come round at night and take the textbooks off me and turn out my light because I'd be studying in between therapy sessions and any other moment I got. I didn't achieve my A grades because 'I'm smart' I achieved them because I worked my backside off to get them.
After my back surgery I went through 9 months rehabilitation to learn to do all the normal activities again. I temporarily lost feeling from my hips down due to an epidural error in hospital and had to teach myself to get up and walk normally again. It was agony, agony is an understatement, I remember screaming into the hospital pillow at 3am in agony as the nurses gave me the strongest painkillers they could. But I fought and I didn't let the pain stop me, I went back to part time study only a few months after my surgery and I carried on.
A lot of lessons I learned the hard way. I felt a lot of things that no child ever should and I was in situations that were incredibly scary. I had to sign a form at 13 to agree that I was aware that I could die on the operating table. Imagine signing at that age to agree to knowing you could lose your life and having to do it anyway.
Some people wonder where my sensitivity comes from, why I cry easy, why I want to help others, why I see things so philosophically, this is why. I have lived through a lot in just 19 years. I never ever want to waste that. I believe everything happens for a reason and God obviously wants me to have all these challenges so that I can help others and show them that everything is possible when you believe and when you fight. I'm telling you I know that fighting is hard. I know that especially in teenage years that doing drugs to go to a chilled state, or smoking to deal with your pain or drinking until you are numb seems a lot more appealing than being a bore and 'missing out on young years.'
You may not want to listen to older people but please take it from someone who is your age. There are other ways of coping, pumping illegal substances into your beautifully made body is not right, is not cool and you will regret it. Get an education, love those around you, be classy, be respectful, always apologise when you have messed up. DO the right thing. Don't let your ego stop you. You never know what tomorrow holds or what each person has been through. Use your life, use your brains and heart to make everyone around you feel as good as they can. Because at many points in my life I was very very lonely, I genuinely felt that I had no one but myself. I have sat staring into the mirror telling myself at 8 years of age not to end my life. All I needed was empathy.
Don't go round breaking hearts, don't go round damaging yourself. Don't hide in a group and don't ever believe that popularity will make you happy or sleeping around will make people want you. Be an inspiration, be motivated, fight through blood sweat and tears for your dreams because I promise you if you fight hard enough you will achieve them. I have so many qualifications to my name and so many more to gain. I have travelled and will travel more. I have loved and had my heart broken but I will love again and I will not hold grudges against those who have hurt me while trying to find themselves.
Be the best you that you can be.
Aim not to be a great person when being a good person is so much more important.
All my love,
E x
Saturday, 11 March 2017
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
The "Grey Area"
"What's the point?"
A question that a lot of us face at least once a day.
For someone with a mental health difficulty this question can pass through our minds at least one hundred times a day or may be there all the time.
So I want to talk about this thing called the "grey area". The Grey Area is a state of mind that a lot of functioning mental ill health sufferers live in. Sometimes known as the "Grey suicidal area".
For myself for example, I spend most of my days in the grey area. I can get up and eat, wash, dress, go to college, talk to friends and generally function well. However inside my thoughts don't always match how I'm acting. This isn't the same thing as feeling depressed or suicidal and trying to cover it up so no one finds out, no, this is a genuine living state where these thoughts are just constantly in your head but you're able to carry on with day to day activities.
The grey area is having thoughts of life not worth living, asking yourself constantly what's the point? Why have I not ended it already? Even having thoughts of harming yourself, but not actively carrying out these activities. It's learning to tolerate the thoughts and survive a life even with these torturous thoughts.
This grey area might last until I turn 21, I might wake up tomorrow and it's gone or it may last my entire life, this is just part of my condition.
Some days I have to lie in bed and cry until I don't have any more tears left. Some days I have to powerwalk a ridiculous distance to try and put the anger of the voice in my head into some form of action to attempt to quieten it down. Some days I can function completely averagely and not question the thoughts in my head. But they're always there, 24/7, always.
This sometimes doesn't make me the best of company. There are days where I will have a short temper and no one will know why I'm snapping at them, however if they realised living with these thoughts and trying to have a conversation with someone is like trying to hear the TV with kids screaming over the top of it they may then understand actually I'm not snapping at them I'm getting angry with my own head but randomly yelling "SHUT UP" in the middle of the street at my head when no ones standing there may look a little odd.
Living with OCD, generalised anxiety and depressive states is not easy. This is also relatable for those with physical ill health too as I know living with T1 diabetes, rods on my spine and a digestive disorder is not easy either. For those with either or both I understand and empathise fully with the fact that you will get down days. You will get days where you ask why me? And you need to understand that it's okay to have these thoughts. It's okay to be fed up and feel like it's not fair. We can't be warriors everyday, even heroes have to take off their cape and let someone save them once in a while.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling guilty if I had a thought that resembled "why me?" I thought I wasn't allowed to ever feel sorry for myself, to ever feel that I got it a little rougher than some. But as I grew up and went through therapy I realised that it's only healthy to once in a while have a mini meltdown. It is okay to not be okay. And there are many unpleasantries that can be lived with. This is just a thing. A thing that can be lived with.
If you feel that you are in the grey area and it's turning a little black, ask for help, hold out your hand until someone grabs on because someone will if you give it time.
If you live in the grey area and ask yourself why can't my life be white, well, I ask you, name me a good story that has blank pages?
All my love,
E x
A question that a lot of us face at least once a day.
For someone with a mental health difficulty this question can pass through our minds at least one hundred times a day or may be there all the time.
So I want to talk about this thing called the "grey area". The Grey Area is a state of mind that a lot of functioning mental ill health sufferers live in. Sometimes known as the "Grey suicidal area".
For myself for example, I spend most of my days in the grey area. I can get up and eat, wash, dress, go to college, talk to friends and generally function well. However inside my thoughts don't always match how I'm acting. This isn't the same thing as feeling depressed or suicidal and trying to cover it up so no one finds out, no, this is a genuine living state where these thoughts are just constantly in your head but you're able to carry on with day to day activities.
The grey area is having thoughts of life not worth living, asking yourself constantly what's the point? Why have I not ended it already? Even having thoughts of harming yourself, but not actively carrying out these activities. It's learning to tolerate the thoughts and survive a life even with these torturous thoughts.
This grey area might last until I turn 21, I might wake up tomorrow and it's gone or it may last my entire life, this is just part of my condition.
Some days I have to lie in bed and cry until I don't have any more tears left. Some days I have to powerwalk a ridiculous distance to try and put the anger of the voice in my head into some form of action to attempt to quieten it down. Some days I can function completely averagely and not question the thoughts in my head. But they're always there, 24/7, always.
This sometimes doesn't make me the best of company. There are days where I will have a short temper and no one will know why I'm snapping at them, however if they realised living with these thoughts and trying to have a conversation with someone is like trying to hear the TV with kids screaming over the top of it they may then understand actually I'm not snapping at them I'm getting angry with my own head but randomly yelling "SHUT UP" in the middle of the street at my head when no ones standing there may look a little odd.
Living with OCD, generalised anxiety and depressive states is not easy. This is also relatable for those with physical ill health too as I know living with T1 diabetes, rods on my spine and a digestive disorder is not easy either. For those with either or both I understand and empathise fully with the fact that you will get down days. You will get days where you ask why me? And you need to understand that it's okay to have these thoughts. It's okay to be fed up and feel like it's not fair. We can't be warriors everyday, even heroes have to take off their cape and let someone save them once in a while.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling guilty if I had a thought that resembled "why me?" I thought I wasn't allowed to ever feel sorry for myself, to ever feel that I got it a little rougher than some. But as I grew up and went through therapy I realised that it's only healthy to once in a while have a mini meltdown. It is okay to not be okay. And there are many unpleasantries that can be lived with. This is just a thing. A thing that can be lived with.
If you feel that you are in the grey area and it's turning a little black, ask for help, hold out your hand until someone grabs on because someone will if you give it time.
If you live in the grey area and ask yourself why can't my life be white, well, I ask you, name me a good story that has blank pages?
All my love,
E x
Monday, 29 August 2016
Never let the final straw be the final straw when it comes to life 💖
Hi Guys:)!
So I'm currently sitting on my picnic bench in my garden listening to music to try and chillax! The past few months have been a major struggle with my chronic tummy problems. I rang the hospital and I'm on a ten month waiting list to see a gastroenterologist to help me manage day to day life. It's got to the point where every day my tummy is so swollen I can't breathe, I'm so tired I spend hours sleeping just to function, I'm on omeprazole, ranitidine, mebeverine, colpermin, panadol and sometimes buscopan and ibuprofen just to get the pain to a level where I can go to town for an hour or two and not be crippled.
This in turn has had a major effect on my diabetes. I'm on a trial period using a new piece of equipment called the freestyle libre which is a mini disc that has a canula injected into my subcutaneous tissue and reads the blood glucose through the fluid rather than cappillary blood to lower the amount of finger pricks I have to do in a day. My diabetes is really well controlled in general but the graph on this reader is showing my sugar levels are dreadful at the moment. So many high and low readings which in turn have caused blood vessels to burst in my eyes, numbness in my fingers and overall a horrible feeling.
The only way to manage this any longer is to go to A&E and refuse to move until I have a diagnosis but even that proves complicated as the doctors always think it's my appendix and so far it never has been.
My anxiety and mood has been knocked dramatically as I can't physically imagine living my life like this. The feeling of not knowing what friends can put up with a friend who is so often in bed or hospital sick. Holding down a job is a scary thought, completing my coursework is a worry because some days I just don't want to have these issues and some days I wish I could go out and work hard and not be in pain but why think like that? This is the life that I've been given and life is a blessing, one to never be taken for granted.
So the best things I've been doing recently to cope and some of you may find this helpful others not but these are just ideas.
If I get any energy I go for a walk and never waste a good day. If you've been blessed with a good day never ever waste it because the memories of that good day can help you through two months of bad days!!
If I feel lonely I text/ring my friends. Don't isolate yourself anymore than you must, stay in contact, make new friends because trust me I know you feel like a burden and that no one needs your issues but there are so so many lovely genuine people who look past your illnesses and see you, the real you, your likes and dislikes, food movies sports whatever they care about you and you are never alone in this world.
If you can't get to a party heck blast your ipod in your room and sing your heart out.. It works.. I know from experience!
On a serious note if there are days where you've just given up because that happens, and you feel you can't take anymore or that you don't want to spend another day living, tell someone. I plead with you. I have been that person sitting at midnight contemplating which choice to make. Trying to find a strong enough reason to make me stay alive. I know how hard and lonely and heartbreaking chronic illnesses are. To this day I would lay down my life for anyone needing help. You would be suprised who would sit up at 3am with you just to prevent you doing something irreversible. This world has evil in it, but this world has so much love.
These are just a few tips to help your fight. If you don't know me on a personal level these messages are still for you. I can see where my audience comes from. I have 3000 loyal views which come from indonesia, the Netherlands, Russia, Australia and so many other countries. If you are sitting reading this in the furthest place away from me on earth, I'm still here and still a human and I still care so never say no one cares about you because I do.
If you are my friend and don't want to let me know you read my blogs but any of these issues effect you, please don't sit quiet or nervous, if it's 3am I will still sit up to help you if you need it!
All my love
E x
So I'm currently sitting on my picnic bench in my garden listening to music to try and chillax! The past few months have been a major struggle with my chronic tummy problems. I rang the hospital and I'm on a ten month waiting list to see a gastroenterologist to help me manage day to day life. It's got to the point where every day my tummy is so swollen I can't breathe, I'm so tired I spend hours sleeping just to function, I'm on omeprazole, ranitidine, mebeverine, colpermin, panadol and sometimes buscopan and ibuprofen just to get the pain to a level where I can go to town for an hour or two and not be crippled.
This in turn has had a major effect on my diabetes. I'm on a trial period using a new piece of equipment called the freestyle libre which is a mini disc that has a canula injected into my subcutaneous tissue and reads the blood glucose through the fluid rather than cappillary blood to lower the amount of finger pricks I have to do in a day. My diabetes is really well controlled in general but the graph on this reader is showing my sugar levels are dreadful at the moment. So many high and low readings which in turn have caused blood vessels to burst in my eyes, numbness in my fingers and overall a horrible feeling.
The only way to manage this any longer is to go to A&E and refuse to move until I have a diagnosis but even that proves complicated as the doctors always think it's my appendix and so far it never has been.
My anxiety and mood has been knocked dramatically as I can't physically imagine living my life like this. The feeling of not knowing what friends can put up with a friend who is so often in bed or hospital sick. Holding down a job is a scary thought, completing my coursework is a worry because some days I just don't want to have these issues and some days I wish I could go out and work hard and not be in pain but why think like that? This is the life that I've been given and life is a blessing, one to never be taken for granted.
So the best things I've been doing recently to cope and some of you may find this helpful others not but these are just ideas.
If I get any energy I go for a walk and never waste a good day. If you've been blessed with a good day never ever waste it because the memories of that good day can help you through two months of bad days!!
If I feel lonely I text/ring my friends. Don't isolate yourself anymore than you must, stay in contact, make new friends because trust me I know you feel like a burden and that no one needs your issues but there are so so many lovely genuine people who look past your illnesses and see you, the real you, your likes and dislikes, food movies sports whatever they care about you and you are never alone in this world.
If you can't get to a party heck blast your ipod in your room and sing your heart out.. It works.. I know from experience!
On a serious note if there are days where you've just given up because that happens, and you feel you can't take anymore or that you don't want to spend another day living, tell someone. I plead with you. I have been that person sitting at midnight contemplating which choice to make. Trying to find a strong enough reason to make me stay alive. I know how hard and lonely and heartbreaking chronic illnesses are. To this day I would lay down my life for anyone needing help. You would be suprised who would sit up at 3am with you just to prevent you doing something irreversible. This world has evil in it, but this world has so much love.
These are just a few tips to help your fight. If you don't know me on a personal level these messages are still for you. I can see where my audience comes from. I have 3000 loyal views which come from indonesia, the Netherlands, Russia, Australia and so many other countries. If you are sitting reading this in the furthest place away from me on earth, I'm still here and still a human and I still care so never say no one cares about you because I do.
If you are my friend and don't want to let me know you read my blogs but any of these issues effect you, please don't sit quiet or nervous, if it's 3am I will still sit up to help you if you need it!
All my love
E x
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
H.O.P.E
Hi everyone:)
So tonight I'm going to talk about a topic which tends to not be spoken about because it's embarrassing.
I tell everyone I have a digestive disorder because to be honest 18 years later the doctors still can't diagnose what is precisely wrong with my tummy they just know that my digestive system and bowel do not function normally. They think it is IBS but so far they can't rule out IBD without further investigations.
Out of all my illnesses this is by far my most disabling. At the moment I'm going through a flare up. Every day is a struggle. I can't remember a single day I have woken up in my entire life without feeling sick or sore due to my tummy.
Everyday I swallow so many tablets morning noon and night. I take strong painkillers and sometimes have to take antisickness pills to keep the pain relief down. If it gets so severe I end up in a&e on a drip.
An IBS flare up is so severe that some women compare it to childbirth. Not all but some. Whenever I have one I can't breathe, I can't move and sweat beads roll off my face. I have sat screaming for six hours straight before from the sheer agony I am in. I sit in one position so long as I can't move a muscle that I get nerve pains in my legs. It gets so severe that most times I throw up just from the pain.
Any time a doctor sees me they send me to a&e incase it is my appendix but it never has been so far.
This is a very lonely and scary illness. The idea of getting out of bed with extreme fatigue is unfathomable. The idea of leaving a bathroom is unthinkable.
I have had every blood test, ultrasound, tubes, endoscopies, barium swallows and x rays that I can have.
This is a topic that needs more support and awareness! Chronic illness is so lonely and debilitating but I refuse to give up and I will continue to raise awareness!
Never give up no matter how lonely or how much pain you are in, you are loved!
E x :)
So tonight I'm going to talk about a topic which tends to not be spoken about because it's embarrassing.
I tell everyone I have a digestive disorder because to be honest 18 years later the doctors still can't diagnose what is precisely wrong with my tummy they just know that my digestive system and bowel do not function normally. They think it is IBS but so far they can't rule out IBD without further investigations.
Out of all my illnesses this is by far my most disabling. At the moment I'm going through a flare up. Every day is a struggle. I can't remember a single day I have woken up in my entire life without feeling sick or sore due to my tummy.
Everyday I swallow so many tablets morning noon and night. I take strong painkillers and sometimes have to take antisickness pills to keep the pain relief down. If it gets so severe I end up in a&e on a drip.
An IBS flare up is so severe that some women compare it to childbirth. Not all but some. Whenever I have one I can't breathe, I can't move and sweat beads roll off my face. I have sat screaming for six hours straight before from the sheer agony I am in. I sit in one position so long as I can't move a muscle that I get nerve pains in my legs. It gets so severe that most times I throw up just from the pain.
Any time a doctor sees me they send me to a&e incase it is my appendix but it never has been so far.
This is a very lonely and scary illness. The idea of getting out of bed with extreme fatigue is unfathomable. The idea of leaving a bathroom is unthinkable.
I have had every blood test, ultrasound, tubes, endoscopies, barium swallows and x rays that I can have.
This is a topic that needs more support and awareness! Chronic illness is so lonely and debilitating but I refuse to give up and I will continue to raise awareness!
Never give up no matter how lonely or how much pain you are in, you are loved!
E x :)
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Hey Hi Hey Hello there
Hey guys!
It's been ages I'm so sorry!
How have we all been? Everyday more people from different countries view my blog so to everyone new a massive hello and welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment!
I have been doing really well, I have started College which was petrifying but I'm getting there! It's new and refreshing! Plus it's Medical Science, how amazing?
I GOT DISCHARGED FROM OUTPATIENT CAMHS AFTER A DECADE!
It is petrifying and will take me a while to get used to but I can do it, today has just brought back all the memories but that's normal right?
Stay strong, talk soon,
Love always, E x
It's been ages I'm so sorry!
How have we all been? Everyday more people from different countries view my blog so to everyone new a massive hello and welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment!
I have been doing really well, I have started College which was petrifying but I'm getting there! It's new and refreshing! Plus it's Medical Science, how amazing?
I GOT DISCHARGED FROM OUTPATIENT CAMHS AFTER A DECADE!
It is petrifying and will take me a while to get used to but I can do it, today has just brought back all the memories but that's normal right?
Stay strong, talk soon,
Love always, E x
Thursday, 6 August 2015
"Why must we be so cruel?"
Depression.. heartache... pain... hopelessness.. loneliness.. doubt... fear... obsessions... compulsions... deflation... anxiety... worry... emotions... agony... betrayal...
Everything that I currently feel in my heart, chest, head, mind, and every other part of my body and soul. Little words have the power or ultimate passion to even partially explain the hurt of emotional distress.
I smile, I try, I support as best as I can. Not good enough. I dedicate my life to trying to assist others so that they are protected from the sheer terror of emotional agony. I never ask for a reward. Of recent people seem to think it's okay to rip me apart, to take my personality and to pick it to pieces and criticise. To judge me. And I'm left here asking myself why? :'(
I forgive more than I ever thought was possible, I always say never give up yet I'm sitting here trying to find a reason not to.
Why must we be so cruel? Why can't we all just be a little kinder? Why must we be filled with anger and meanness?
Be kind to those around you dear readers, you never know how much that one bit of kindness can save a lost soul. Offer a helping hand and don't be wicked. No one deserves to feel unwanted. No one.
Thank-you as always,
Erin x
Everything that I currently feel in my heart, chest, head, mind, and every other part of my body and soul. Little words have the power or ultimate passion to even partially explain the hurt of emotional distress.
I smile, I try, I support as best as I can. Not good enough. I dedicate my life to trying to assist others so that they are protected from the sheer terror of emotional agony. I never ask for a reward. Of recent people seem to think it's okay to rip me apart, to take my personality and to pick it to pieces and criticise. To judge me. And I'm left here asking myself why? :'(
I forgive more than I ever thought was possible, I always say never give up yet I'm sitting here trying to find a reason not to.
Why must we be so cruel? Why can't we all just be a little kinder? Why must we be filled with anger and meanness?
Be kind to those around you dear readers, you never know how much that one bit of kindness can save a lost soul. Offer a helping hand and don't be wicked. No one deserves to feel unwanted. No one.
Thank-you as always,
Erin x
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
"I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Good morning, afternoon, evening and night to you all! As my blog has now gone global I have many readers from different countries meaning different time zones so hello!
It has been agesss since I last posted but I have been studying hard for my psychology exam and have been unwell with different viruses which were yucky so that is why!
Today I wish to talk about life changes.
Whether it is leaving primary school to join secondary education, whether it is applying for UCAS or deciding which career path to go down, changes can be very scary, especially when you are young and don't have a lot of experience in that area.
So I myself am in this situation at the moment thinking which career is right? Which university? Have I applied for the correct course at tech? When do I want to travel? Even which car to buy can be stressful! Choice is daunting but can be very exhilarating at the same time so take a breath and know that it isn't the end of the world and very few things are finalised that can't be changed or altered, you will learn from your mistakes and choices no matter what!
Three simple tips!
Tip number 1.) Draw out a career ladder. I find this really useful. Get a piece of paper, simply draw a ladder from top to bottom on the page. The top of the ladder is where you want to get to, your ultimate goal, the bottom is where you currently are and what qualifications you hold. All the space in between is for what qualifications and skills you need to gain to reach your goal in chronological order. I find having a plan clearly drawn out in front of me, not including too much detail, can really help me relax and feel in control of the situation again!
Tip number 2.) Research, research, research! Whether it's which university, which car, which holiday or even to save or to spend, trust me, the best thing to do is do a lot of research. Know what you are talking about, whenever you go to purchase a product you want to feel confident and able to ask the sales person questions and not feel like they are pulling the wool over your eyes, know your rights, know which course suits your needs, know all your information and it lowers the stress on the day when you have to decide. Trust me, after a while you will know the information so well that you could be the salesperson or university lecturer and will feel confident in your decision with less doubts.
Tip number 3.) Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. There has been many people before you going through the same change in life or the same decision making process and it really helps to talk to someone in person about the reality, the pros and cons and not just what it says written on paper. It can really help hearing different opinions and may actually change your mind dramatically once you hear what each path contains and where it can lead. Ask your mum, or spouse or teacher or peer mentor, but don't be stubborn and feel it makes you look stupid, it doesn't, it makes you look wise.
It really is so stressful having to make such big decisions for your future, especially at this time of year when we're all getting prepared to sit exams but I hope these few hints and tips may make you think or may help you along your journey.
I read a quote this week which really made me think .. "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Hugs, E x
It has been agesss since I last posted but I have been studying hard for my psychology exam and have been unwell with different viruses which were yucky so that is why!
Today I wish to talk about life changes.
Whether it is leaving primary school to join secondary education, whether it is applying for UCAS or deciding which career path to go down, changes can be very scary, especially when you are young and don't have a lot of experience in that area.
So I myself am in this situation at the moment thinking which career is right? Which university? Have I applied for the correct course at tech? When do I want to travel? Even which car to buy can be stressful! Choice is daunting but can be very exhilarating at the same time so take a breath and know that it isn't the end of the world and very few things are finalised that can't be changed or altered, you will learn from your mistakes and choices no matter what!
Three simple tips!
Tip number 1.) Draw out a career ladder. I find this really useful. Get a piece of paper, simply draw a ladder from top to bottom on the page. The top of the ladder is where you want to get to, your ultimate goal, the bottom is where you currently are and what qualifications you hold. All the space in between is for what qualifications and skills you need to gain to reach your goal in chronological order. I find having a plan clearly drawn out in front of me, not including too much detail, can really help me relax and feel in control of the situation again!
Tip number 2.) Research, research, research! Whether it's which university, which car, which holiday or even to save or to spend, trust me, the best thing to do is do a lot of research. Know what you are talking about, whenever you go to purchase a product you want to feel confident and able to ask the sales person questions and not feel like they are pulling the wool over your eyes, know your rights, know which course suits your needs, know all your information and it lowers the stress on the day when you have to decide. Trust me, after a while you will know the information so well that you could be the salesperson or university lecturer and will feel confident in your decision with less doubts.
Tip number 3.) Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. There has been many people before you going through the same change in life or the same decision making process and it really helps to talk to someone in person about the reality, the pros and cons and not just what it says written on paper. It can really help hearing different opinions and may actually change your mind dramatically once you hear what each path contains and where it can lead. Ask your mum, or spouse or teacher or peer mentor, but don't be stubborn and feel it makes you look stupid, it doesn't, it makes you look wise.
It really is so stressful having to make such big decisions for your future, especially at this time of year when we're all getting prepared to sit exams but I hope these few hints and tips may make you think or may help you along your journey.
I read a quote this week which really made me think .. "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
Hugs, E x
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Advocate Change!!
Hey guys!
So today has been a great day for me! No particular reason, I just felt happy when I woke up, and for someone living with mental health difficulties this defines a great day!
So I decided I would blog and usually I have outlines as to what I want to talk about, but tonight I'm kind of freestyle typing. I want to tackle the issue of social stigma but in a different kind of way.
We all hear a lot at the moment in the media about how we need to "Lower the stigmas around mental health" which is definitely a necessary task; however, to those who maybe haven't had a lot of experience in this field they tend to think about the big picture rather than individual life stories. By this I mean we can get caught up in tackling "How we all think people are crazy who have mental health difficulties" or "How we keep depression on the down low" .. I don't know about other people but to me this isn't where the stigma needs to be lowered as such. It's more daily tasks and views and passing comments that hold onto the stigma more.
For instance, I blog about mental health, I post it on facebook, instagram, I have even been interviewed about it, however I still struggle mentioning it in front of people face to face because usually they tend to go very silent and awkward. This I find is a lot more uncomfortable than someone making a comment or asking a question. I approach the subject usually in a funny manner. I would say something like "Oh me and my mucked up head" and then laugh, because people can manage that, however if I say "Oh my depression/anxiety is bad today" they freeze or stare. Mentioning I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital? Gosh that's a no zone!! So why do we try and tackle the big picture, and not the more personal aspects?
Yes it's hard to understand everyone's personal experience, but these awkward moments, these shocked faces are proving that lowering social stigmas isn't actually working. We can put up on a billboard a sign about mental health, we can report on the news the rates of suicide, but we aren't informing people just how common it is to have a mental health problem, how we don't have to tiptoe around the 'big scary subject'! I believe that mental health should be included a lot more in the curriculum of schools. How to notice the symptoms, how to take care of a friend, what organisations to contact, how to manage, self help techniques.. these are the things we should all be learning about because 1 in 4 of us in our lifetime will have a mental health difficulty!!
Social stigmas NEED to be lowered... not the cliché view of "We can't call people crazy anymore" .. but it should be discussed on a one to one basis and taught in classrooms, we need this change to happen to prevent unseen diagnoses and potential suicides!
Be the change you want to see in the world!!
#AdvocateChange
All my love, Erin. x
So today has been a great day for me! No particular reason, I just felt happy when I woke up, and for someone living with mental health difficulties this defines a great day!
So I decided I would blog and usually I have outlines as to what I want to talk about, but tonight I'm kind of freestyle typing. I want to tackle the issue of social stigma but in a different kind of way.
We all hear a lot at the moment in the media about how we need to "Lower the stigmas around mental health" which is definitely a necessary task; however, to those who maybe haven't had a lot of experience in this field they tend to think about the big picture rather than individual life stories. By this I mean we can get caught up in tackling "How we all think people are crazy who have mental health difficulties" or "How we keep depression on the down low" .. I don't know about other people but to me this isn't where the stigma needs to be lowered as such. It's more daily tasks and views and passing comments that hold onto the stigma more.
For instance, I blog about mental health, I post it on facebook, instagram, I have even been interviewed about it, however I still struggle mentioning it in front of people face to face because usually they tend to go very silent and awkward. This I find is a lot more uncomfortable than someone making a comment or asking a question. I approach the subject usually in a funny manner. I would say something like "Oh me and my mucked up head" and then laugh, because people can manage that, however if I say "Oh my depression/anxiety is bad today" they freeze or stare. Mentioning I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital? Gosh that's a no zone!! So why do we try and tackle the big picture, and not the more personal aspects?
Yes it's hard to understand everyone's personal experience, but these awkward moments, these shocked faces are proving that lowering social stigmas isn't actually working. We can put up on a billboard a sign about mental health, we can report on the news the rates of suicide, but we aren't informing people just how common it is to have a mental health problem, how we don't have to tiptoe around the 'big scary subject'! I believe that mental health should be included a lot more in the curriculum of schools. How to notice the symptoms, how to take care of a friend, what organisations to contact, how to manage, self help techniques.. these are the things we should all be learning about because 1 in 4 of us in our lifetime will have a mental health difficulty!!
Social stigmas NEED to be lowered... not the cliché view of "We can't call people crazy anymore" .. but it should be discussed on a one to one basis and taught in classrooms, we need this change to happen to prevent unseen diagnoses and potential suicides!
Be the change you want to see in the world!!
#AdvocateChange
All my love, Erin. x
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Distraction techniques for when you feel you have lost control!
Hey strangers!
Feel like I need to say that seeming as I haven't blogged in well over a month!
How have we all been doing? Christmas? New Years? So many events and celebrations! I'm sure it's been a rollercoaster for you all like it has been for me!
If anyone has any requests for blogs throughout 2015 give me a wee message or comment and I will respond ASAP! I'm really busy atm with so many different things but I will try to get back into the swing of blogging!
So recently has been very difficult for me. I got a very nasty flu over Christmas which always starts the anxiety off! I felt very out of control and resorted back to not eating correctly or even nearly enough which in turn led to me losing weight... again. My urges increased and basically the voice in my head and the intrusive and depressive thoughts have been overpowering. However, I am just about managing to keep them under control and I'm battling away because in recovery, as we all know, that is all we can do when things seem worthless and never ending, keep going.
I thought tonight I'd go over some techniques that are distraction whenever you feel like you have no other option but to act on your urges. For a lot of you this will seem probably quite patronising and repetitive however this may be new information to somebody who is very scared tonight, so for that reason I shall share with you some tips. I myself use these, some more than others, however tonight especially I am finding it extremely hard to battle them, so here goes -
1.) Whenever you feel numb, or the emotional pain and distress is far too great to manage on your own, you will most likely have thoughts of self harm. So one way of feeling a physical sensation which will not cause harm is ice. Get ice cubes from wherever you can manage to get them, hold one in each hand/in crease of elbow and squeeze really tight, so you can feel the ice freezing away in your hand/crease of elbow. Whenever it melts, your skin may feel a little - very numb, so repeat, however on a new position on skin.
2.) Elastic bands. Put elastic bands around your wrist and lower arm, and ping them back and forward so you get the sting of the elastic without any scars.
3.) Progressive muscle relaxation. If you don't have sheets on this, look up the full exercise online. Basically you tense and relax every muscle in your body, one at a time, from your head to your toes and then relax them one at a time so as to know the feeling of tensing and the true feeling of relaxing.
4.) Safe place. Go to a place in your head, a place where you have no possible chance of getting hurt or being harmed. This may be a beach, a treehouse, a park, a boat, an igloo, or somewhere that you have previously been that you felt very relaxed in, you can even create a place in your mind! This place is just for you. Describe to yourself or out loud what the place looks like, everything you can see, what smells you can sense, what your body feels like, is there sun heating up your skin or is there snow cooling you down? Can you feel grainy sand, or the swinging motion of a hammock? What can you hear? Is there silence? Can you taste anything? Stay in this place for as long as you need to relax and then slowly return to reality again.
5.) Drawing on your skin. Use a red pen and write/draw along your arms and legs or wherever you usually harm.
6.) Write in a journal. You can do this two ways. One is write about how your feeling and anything you wish to let out. The other is if you have a lot of anger then scribble/write on a page of paper, scrunch it up, rip it apart and throw it away!
7.) Breathing. Especially when anxious and hyperventilating this is useful. We breathe in too much oxygen for our bodies to cope with whenever we hyperventilate so it is very important that we breathe out for longer than breathing in. So breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, breathe out for 5 - 6 seconds or as long as feels manageable, then hold for two seconds before repeating the process. This is very hard to do whenever you are very worked up practice this exercise whenever you aren't anxious and you will be more prepared to deal with the situation when you are. So breathe in .. 2 .. 3..4 and hold .. and hold .. and breathe out .. 2 ...3...4...5...6.. and hold at the bottom and hold ... and repeat.
8.) Add colours to your breathing depending on your mood. So whenever you feel anxious for example imagine breathing in the colour pale blue, and breathing out red. If you are depressed breathe in white or yellow and breathe out black. Etc.
I haven't gone into great detail here as they all are very individual and if there are any you would like me to explain more please ask, I have many more techniques I can offer if none of these work or suit you, don't panic! There are always other options!
Never.Give.Up.
All my love,
Erin.. x
Feel like I need to say that seeming as I haven't blogged in well over a month!
How have we all been doing? Christmas? New Years? So many events and celebrations! I'm sure it's been a rollercoaster for you all like it has been for me!
If anyone has any requests for blogs throughout 2015 give me a wee message or comment and I will respond ASAP! I'm really busy atm with so many different things but I will try to get back into the swing of blogging!
So recently has been very difficult for me. I got a very nasty flu over Christmas which always starts the anxiety off! I felt very out of control and resorted back to not eating correctly or even nearly enough which in turn led to me losing weight... again. My urges increased and basically the voice in my head and the intrusive and depressive thoughts have been overpowering. However, I am just about managing to keep them under control and I'm battling away because in recovery, as we all know, that is all we can do when things seem worthless and never ending, keep going.
I thought tonight I'd go over some techniques that are distraction whenever you feel like you have no other option but to act on your urges. For a lot of you this will seem probably quite patronising and repetitive however this may be new information to somebody who is very scared tonight, so for that reason I shall share with you some tips. I myself use these, some more than others, however tonight especially I am finding it extremely hard to battle them, so here goes -
1.) Whenever you feel numb, or the emotional pain and distress is far too great to manage on your own, you will most likely have thoughts of self harm. So one way of feeling a physical sensation which will not cause harm is ice. Get ice cubes from wherever you can manage to get them, hold one in each hand/in crease of elbow and squeeze really tight, so you can feel the ice freezing away in your hand/crease of elbow. Whenever it melts, your skin may feel a little - very numb, so repeat, however on a new position on skin.
2.) Elastic bands. Put elastic bands around your wrist and lower arm, and ping them back and forward so you get the sting of the elastic without any scars.
3.) Progressive muscle relaxation. If you don't have sheets on this, look up the full exercise online. Basically you tense and relax every muscle in your body, one at a time, from your head to your toes and then relax them one at a time so as to know the feeling of tensing and the true feeling of relaxing.
4.) Safe place. Go to a place in your head, a place where you have no possible chance of getting hurt or being harmed. This may be a beach, a treehouse, a park, a boat, an igloo, or somewhere that you have previously been that you felt very relaxed in, you can even create a place in your mind! This place is just for you. Describe to yourself or out loud what the place looks like, everything you can see, what smells you can sense, what your body feels like, is there sun heating up your skin or is there snow cooling you down? Can you feel grainy sand, or the swinging motion of a hammock? What can you hear? Is there silence? Can you taste anything? Stay in this place for as long as you need to relax and then slowly return to reality again.
5.) Drawing on your skin. Use a red pen and write/draw along your arms and legs or wherever you usually harm.
6.) Write in a journal. You can do this two ways. One is write about how your feeling and anything you wish to let out. The other is if you have a lot of anger then scribble/write on a page of paper, scrunch it up, rip it apart and throw it away!
7.) Breathing. Especially when anxious and hyperventilating this is useful. We breathe in too much oxygen for our bodies to cope with whenever we hyperventilate so it is very important that we breathe out for longer than breathing in. So breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, breathe out for 5 - 6 seconds or as long as feels manageable, then hold for two seconds before repeating the process. This is very hard to do whenever you are very worked up practice this exercise whenever you aren't anxious and you will be more prepared to deal with the situation when you are. So breathe in .. 2 .. 3..4 and hold .. and hold .. and breathe out .. 2 ...3...4...5...6.. and hold at the bottom and hold ... and repeat.
8.) Add colours to your breathing depending on your mood. So whenever you feel anxious for example imagine breathing in the colour pale blue, and breathing out red. If you are depressed breathe in white or yellow and breathe out black. Etc.
I haven't gone into great detail here as they all are very individual and if there are any you would like me to explain more please ask, I have many more techniques I can offer if none of these work or suit you, don't panic! There are always other options!
Never.Give.Up.
All my love,
Erin.. x
Friday, 5 December 2014
A day in the life of an Anxiety Disorder..
Hey lovelies!
I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a long time but I have been soo busy!
This past week or so I have been struggling severely with my anxiety, it came to a head this morning and I threw up everywhere.
So I was thinking, I am going to let you into what it's like to live a day in the life of a person with an anxiety disorder. (It's a little altered to match me personally) Here goes..
Wake up. Breathe. Oh my gosh it's a new day, can I cope with this day, what do I have to do today? Oh no I have to go to tech, that means people, people looking at me, oh dear I better dress right or they'll laugh, but if I dress too much they'll laugh, but if I don't dress up enough I won't be able to mask the fact that I'm panicking. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, no more worries. And then the jitters, constant jumping in my legs, arms and thoughts going a million miles an hour around my head. Nope Erin you can't go back to sleep, your body won't let you. Sit up. I feel sick, I'm going to be sick, I'm scared. Go down stairs for breakfast..
Test blood sugars. Have I washed my hands? Will this affect the reading, will I give too much insulin and go low later and have to eat in front of everyone else and feel sick and act stupid because I'm hypo and panic... panic. Smell food going downstairs. MASSIVE PANIC. Feel sick, I can't eat, I won't eat, I hate the feeling of food inside my tummy, I hate the taste of it, I don't need to eat, it's better for me if I don't. But if I don't eat my tummy will get upset, and I'll be sicker. Wretch, wretch and wretch some more. Eat, move between three different chairs whilst trying to eat. Walk about, use phone for distraction, play music. Go outside too cold, go inside too warm and smells like food. Can't go to shower just ate, have to go to shower or be late, quickly Erin think think think you're not thinking enough, you're thinking too much this is your fault. Go to shower, if it's too hot my bloods will go low and I'll pass out, if it's too cold my back goes into spasm where I had my surgery and go into pain, I have to hurry up I'm not going quick enough, I'll be late to class, I will be yelled at, I'll cry, people will think I'm childish, I will panic, make bad memories and never go back. ERIN GO QUICKER. I can't go quicker, someone help, slow down time oh yeah I can't oh gosh should I just not wear makeup today, no because then people will see my face and I hate my face and I can't stand what I look like and no one will come near me because I'm hideous. Don't be so fickle Erin, no one wants to be your friend if that's all you care about, you're a bad person and a bad example. Am I? Oh my gosh I am aren't I?
Getting dressed. Did I take all of my medication? Did I take too much? Oh no I took too little? Have I packed my bag to go. If I don't have my time sheet they won't know I'm on limited hours. I'll have to explain and talk when I feel sick and don't want to open my mouth. I'll have to come back another day and get the pay sorted. What if the pay doesn't go through? I'll have to explain myself, I'll need my careers advisor, she'll think I'm annoying. I'll cry, why will I cry, don't be stupid, I can't help it! Have you got your blood kit, if not you'll get in trouble, you won't know what your blood sugars are and then pass out, or feel unwell, what if I've lost it? Will the doctor give me another one? I can't leave it unattended, I can't put it where it's too warm in a heater or the sun but I can't leave it in the car as it's too cold and will not work. Where is it? Have I broke it? Is it filled with needles correctly? Oh no that reminds me of my insulin! Is the vile full? Have I got a replacement? Is it the right injection or is it the other one? Is there needles? Is it out of the heat? Lucozade, you will die without lucozade, what if it makes me sick, well bring coke but I'm not sure! If I have a hypo and I'm not allowed to bring my drink out to fix it the teachers will shout at me and I'll be too confused and low to answer and I won't know what to do. Is it out of date? Has it been in the fridge? Have you go a snack incase you need one? Or tissues for your blood kit? Erin is your phone charged?? Did you plug it in right last night? What happens when you need mum because you feel sick and you don't have your phone? If you go to the office you will have to explain yourself? Is my mobile on or off, have I missed a message from a friend and let them down? Did they need me? I need to make sure they're okay! Erin you are such a rubbish friend, look at everyone you need to message, just look at them! Oh flip I forgot the time, keep getting dressed! Should I wear that and look fat? But if I wear that it makes my tummy sore? Which one is more important today? HURRRRYYY!!! Get in the car, oh no mum I'm going to be sick, I can't deal with today, I'm going to cry, I start crying, your make up will run! They'll call you an attention seeker, they will not want to be your friend when they find out how crazy you are Erin! Please thoughts I'm begging you slow down, I can't hear myself think, I feel dizzy, did I take my meds? Are my bloods low, I can't be late for class! Getting closer to tech, I can't get out theres people outside, don't look them in the eye, no look them straight on in the face? Which one erin you have ten seconds well don't do the inbetween! Think! Which door? Which door? Oh no mums pulling off I need her back, start to cry again, I'm going to be sick, I can't do this.
Walk through the door, see a friend, fake a smile and say heyy! Feel like I'm going to cry and throw up and I want to go home and hide and I'm scared. Is my phone off? Mum said leave it on but the teachers say turn it off? Will it go off? is that a good thing or a bad thing? Which room is class in today? I don't know, It will be so embarrassing going to the wrong room, oh flip ask someone, they don't know, do I look like a goodie goodie asking where class is and caring? Should I be in earlier, how long have they been here for. They hate me in here. They all know eachother and don't want me here. Go to class.. everyone is quiet, they will here me be sick, I can feel the tension, I can't sit in this room, start jittering again, start hyperventilating, throat gets tight, I can't breathe, come on Erin zone out you can do this, keep smiling no one will know, keep thinking of another place, you aren't here, not here, not now, you're safe, I'm not safe, they hate me, help me please I need out, look at the door, where is the door? How many people and classes will I pass before getting to the toilets? Where should I go, should I run, should I sit? Are people looking at me, help me Erin think I'm scared, breathe, legs jitter faster.
Leaving tech.. if I didn't text back straight away they will think I'm being mean, I have too many people to help, I have too many people I need to message, but I don't have any friends. Why would someone want to be your friend? I need one though I'm lonely, that's good it means no one has to see you panicking. I can't text back, if I panic anymore I will feel worthless and my urges get stronger, I'll have to go back to hospital, what if I lose control?? I can't go back there!! I'm scared, that might happen or I might not survive, I will have no friends, I am a bad person.
Did I test my blood sugars? Did I do it right? Will the doctors tell me off? Can I eat dinner, I can't oh no smell dinner, food ahh help me I will be sick. Sitting at the table jittering like mad, leave table come back again leave again! You can't, you can, you can't, it has flavour you'll be sick! It's getting dark outside, I'm alone. The depressive thoughts are strong. I'll not make it through the night, that's good, that's awful nooo it's great! I want to message my friends but I'll be annoying them, maybe if I wrote a status? No they will think I'm too positive, no too negative, they will think I'm attention seeking! I want to speak to a particular person, why would they speak to you? They are laughing at you and showing others your messages, I'm scared.
Bed time, I am so tired but I am wide awake. My head is still going a million miles an hour, did I take my medication? Did I take the right injection? Remember to eat enough to get you through the night. You might have a hypo and not make it through the night, are you annoyed with anyone? Give them a hug! Noo are my teeth clean? Clean enough? Oh no I'm disgusting, no one will come near me. I can't deal with these OCD thoughts, I'm so weird, no one else is like this. I can't deal with tomorrow. I am so happy. I am so awful for being happy. You are not happy. I can't sleep if I don't sleep I won't get up in the morning, I'll be late, miss a day and spiral backwards and live in my room and never leave and it will my own fault. Sleep erin sleeeeeppppp. Shut up thoughts please please, oh no my blood sugars are low.. got to get up again, help.
... This is a glimpse into the life of someone living with an anxiety disorder. It is exhausting. You never get a break. I hope this may make you more empathetic to those who have to battle this every single day, and please don't constantly repeat the line "There is nothing to be scared of." It makes us feel pathetic.
All my love,
Erin xx
I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a long time but I have been soo busy!
This past week or so I have been struggling severely with my anxiety, it came to a head this morning and I threw up everywhere.
So I was thinking, I am going to let you into what it's like to live a day in the life of a person with an anxiety disorder. (It's a little altered to match me personally) Here goes..
Wake up. Breathe. Oh my gosh it's a new day, can I cope with this day, what do I have to do today? Oh no I have to go to tech, that means people, people looking at me, oh dear I better dress right or they'll laugh, but if I dress too much they'll laugh, but if I don't dress up enough I won't be able to mask the fact that I'm panicking. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, no more worries. And then the jitters, constant jumping in my legs, arms and thoughts going a million miles an hour around my head. Nope Erin you can't go back to sleep, your body won't let you. Sit up. I feel sick, I'm going to be sick, I'm scared. Go down stairs for breakfast..
Test blood sugars. Have I washed my hands? Will this affect the reading, will I give too much insulin and go low later and have to eat in front of everyone else and feel sick and act stupid because I'm hypo and panic... panic. Smell food going downstairs. MASSIVE PANIC. Feel sick, I can't eat, I won't eat, I hate the feeling of food inside my tummy, I hate the taste of it, I don't need to eat, it's better for me if I don't. But if I don't eat my tummy will get upset, and I'll be sicker. Wretch, wretch and wretch some more. Eat, move between three different chairs whilst trying to eat. Walk about, use phone for distraction, play music. Go outside too cold, go inside too warm and smells like food. Can't go to shower just ate, have to go to shower or be late, quickly Erin think think think you're not thinking enough, you're thinking too much this is your fault. Go to shower, if it's too hot my bloods will go low and I'll pass out, if it's too cold my back goes into spasm where I had my surgery and go into pain, I have to hurry up I'm not going quick enough, I'll be late to class, I will be yelled at, I'll cry, people will think I'm childish, I will panic, make bad memories and never go back. ERIN GO QUICKER. I can't go quicker, someone help, slow down time oh yeah I can't oh gosh should I just not wear makeup today, no because then people will see my face and I hate my face and I can't stand what I look like and no one will come near me because I'm hideous. Don't be so fickle Erin, no one wants to be your friend if that's all you care about, you're a bad person and a bad example. Am I? Oh my gosh I am aren't I?
Getting dressed. Did I take all of my medication? Did I take too much? Oh no I took too little? Have I packed my bag to go. If I don't have my time sheet they won't know I'm on limited hours. I'll have to explain and talk when I feel sick and don't want to open my mouth. I'll have to come back another day and get the pay sorted. What if the pay doesn't go through? I'll have to explain myself, I'll need my careers advisor, she'll think I'm annoying. I'll cry, why will I cry, don't be stupid, I can't help it! Have you got your blood kit, if not you'll get in trouble, you won't know what your blood sugars are and then pass out, or feel unwell, what if I've lost it? Will the doctor give me another one? I can't leave it unattended, I can't put it where it's too warm in a heater or the sun but I can't leave it in the car as it's too cold and will not work. Where is it? Have I broke it? Is it filled with needles correctly? Oh no that reminds me of my insulin! Is the vile full? Have I got a replacement? Is it the right injection or is it the other one? Is there needles? Is it out of the heat? Lucozade, you will die without lucozade, what if it makes me sick, well bring coke but I'm not sure! If I have a hypo and I'm not allowed to bring my drink out to fix it the teachers will shout at me and I'll be too confused and low to answer and I won't know what to do. Is it out of date? Has it been in the fridge? Have you go a snack incase you need one? Or tissues for your blood kit? Erin is your phone charged?? Did you plug it in right last night? What happens when you need mum because you feel sick and you don't have your phone? If you go to the office you will have to explain yourself? Is my mobile on or off, have I missed a message from a friend and let them down? Did they need me? I need to make sure they're okay! Erin you are such a rubbish friend, look at everyone you need to message, just look at them! Oh flip I forgot the time, keep getting dressed! Should I wear that and look fat? But if I wear that it makes my tummy sore? Which one is more important today? HURRRRYYY!!! Get in the car, oh no mum I'm going to be sick, I can't deal with today, I'm going to cry, I start crying, your make up will run! They'll call you an attention seeker, they will not want to be your friend when they find out how crazy you are Erin! Please thoughts I'm begging you slow down, I can't hear myself think, I feel dizzy, did I take my meds? Are my bloods low, I can't be late for class! Getting closer to tech, I can't get out theres people outside, don't look them in the eye, no look them straight on in the face? Which one erin you have ten seconds well don't do the inbetween! Think! Which door? Which door? Oh no mums pulling off I need her back, start to cry again, I'm going to be sick, I can't do this.
Walk through the door, see a friend, fake a smile and say heyy! Feel like I'm going to cry and throw up and I want to go home and hide and I'm scared. Is my phone off? Mum said leave it on but the teachers say turn it off? Will it go off? is that a good thing or a bad thing? Which room is class in today? I don't know, It will be so embarrassing going to the wrong room, oh flip ask someone, they don't know, do I look like a goodie goodie asking where class is and caring? Should I be in earlier, how long have they been here for. They hate me in here. They all know eachother and don't want me here. Go to class.. everyone is quiet, they will here me be sick, I can feel the tension, I can't sit in this room, start jittering again, start hyperventilating, throat gets tight, I can't breathe, come on Erin zone out you can do this, keep smiling no one will know, keep thinking of another place, you aren't here, not here, not now, you're safe, I'm not safe, they hate me, help me please I need out, look at the door, where is the door? How many people and classes will I pass before getting to the toilets? Where should I go, should I run, should I sit? Are people looking at me, help me Erin think I'm scared, breathe, legs jitter faster.
Leaving tech.. if I didn't text back straight away they will think I'm being mean, I have too many people to help, I have too many people I need to message, but I don't have any friends. Why would someone want to be your friend? I need one though I'm lonely, that's good it means no one has to see you panicking. I can't text back, if I panic anymore I will feel worthless and my urges get stronger, I'll have to go back to hospital, what if I lose control?? I can't go back there!! I'm scared, that might happen or I might not survive, I will have no friends, I am a bad person.
Did I test my blood sugars? Did I do it right? Will the doctors tell me off? Can I eat dinner, I can't oh no smell dinner, food ahh help me I will be sick. Sitting at the table jittering like mad, leave table come back again leave again! You can't, you can, you can't, it has flavour you'll be sick! It's getting dark outside, I'm alone. The depressive thoughts are strong. I'll not make it through the night, that's good, that's awful nooo it's great! I want to message my friends but I'll be annoying them, maybe if I wrote a status? No they will think I'm too positive, no too negative, they will think I'm attention seeking! I want to speak to a particular person, why would they speak to you? They are laughing at you and showing others your messages, I'm scared.
Bed time, I am so tired but I am wide awake. My head is still going a million miles an hour, did I take my medication? Did I take the right injection? Remember to eat enough to get you through the night. You might have a hypo and not make it through the night, are you annoyed with anyone? Give them a hug! Noo are my teeth clean? Clean enough? Oh no I'm disgusting, no one will come near me. I can't deal with these OCD thoughts, I'm so weird, no one else is like this. I can't deal with tomorrow. I am so happy. I am so awful for being happy. You are not happy. I can't sleep if I don't sleep I won't get up in the morning, I'll be late, miss a day and spiral backwards and live in my room and never leave and it will my own fault. Sleep erin sleeeeeppppp. Shut up thoughts please please, oh no my blood sugars are low.. got to get up again, help.
... This is a glimpse into the life of someone living with an anxiety disorder. It is exhausting. You never get a break. I hope this may make you more empathetic to those who have to battle this every single day, and please don't constantly repeat the line "There is nothing to be scared of." It makes us feel pathetic.
All my love,
Erin xx
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Strength, you possess more of it than you think!
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
I really believe in this quotation.
We constantly doubt our abilities to cope and manage. We look into the future and panic so much that we forget just how amazingly well we are coping with the day we are currently living in. The present moment.
Only now that I'm old enough to have memories, to look back on experiences, am I able to say, 'Gosh if someone told me I had to live through that again, I couldn't." Why? Because we forget the strength that we have in that very moment to cope with the unexpected, even after we have experienced it. That strength only appears when it is needed, we have this really weird way of forgetting how strong we can be.
It's a bit like pain. When we suffer an injury, especially a severe one, we know at that time that the pain feels almost unbearable, however as time goes on, can we remember the exact feeling of how painful it actually was? Nope, most likely, we can't. Think about it, think of a time you were in a lot of pain, you can still say, "Oh my word it was agony", but can you remember the actual feeling of agony? Highly unlikely. For example, when I had my spinal surgery, I know even though I was on at least seven different pain killers, I was in absolute agony. I remember telling a nurse that I was going to die because there was no way a humans level of pain could manage the severity for any longer. Jump forward three and a half years and here I am today. I can tell you it was excruciating, but I cannot remember what it actually felt like. Yes, some strong drugs can interfere but I believe it's our brains protecting us from the memory as it was so excruciating.
This resembles our memory of our levels of strength. We easily forget the strength that we internally possess that only shows when we desperately need it.
Strength endurance and sport endurance are very similar. For both, the more you practice and test yourself, the more you push yourself, the higher your coping levels become. The more hurdles you jump over the larger the obstacles you can overcome in the future. But most importantly for both, you need to be motivated, pick yourself back up after you fall and as cliché as it sounds, believe in yourself.
It takes strength to be you, who you really are, to go where you want to go and achieve what you dream to achieve.
It all starts with a dream, an effort and by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, you will end up achieving the impossible.
Stop doubting your abilities, remember, we forget the strength that we actually possess!
Love, E :) x
Thursday, 20 November 2014
The Power of Love..
I am currently snuggled up in my converted attic bedroom, watching 'The Polar Express' trying to recuperate from a nasty virus. Today, I'd like to dedicate this post to everyone out there who has experienced the feeling of love. There are so many various ways of this emotion being expressed, and so many forms, for example, a mother's love for her child, a boyfriend's love for his girlfriend, a dog's love for his owner, God's love for all of us, a grandfather's love for his granddaughter, a husband's love for his wife, a sister's love for her younger brother, etc. I believe there is no greater gift than love. To be filled with the potential to let another person feel warm, safe, special, excited, worthy, and to show them that they are needed and belong. To know that everyday you wake up that day holds the potential of gaining the love of yesterday's stranger. And most importantly, imagining the possibilities that lay before you, the hearts out there who have not yet been touched by the brilliance of your existence. Think, there are people out there, getting on with their daily tasks, who wish you knew how much they love you.
To love without pain is a lie. It comes as a packaged deal. Love is wonderful and powerful, but anything so powerful has to contain the possibility of devastation. Just think, we allow ourselves to love others and sometimes to accept the love in return all the time knowing that our hearts are no longer in our control, we lay them on the table for everyone to look at and damage in anyway they wish, but we still let ourselves do this. Why? Because that is the power of love. The power of love makes us put their needs before our own. The power of love takes away a part of our control. The power of love runs parallel to the power of hate. Two emotions so strong that they link, cross and are siblings in the field of entwined feelings. It is normal to have hatred feeling for those we love, temporarily, and it is actually normal to love those we hate. This is why. Also, take unrequited love for example, the pain that surrounds this is unbearable, yet we can't stop ourselves from loving no matter how powerful the pain, love is addictive.
I am honoured that I am blessed with the capability to love others, for there is no greater gift, apart from maybe having the capability to be loved in return.
We make the mistake in confusing falling in love with lasting love, one is natural, one needs commitment, one may fade, the other, well, the clue is in the name.
So many serious global issues can be resolved by love, but we don't believe the idea, and as our faith dwindles so does the possibility. LOVE HAS THE POWER TO END WARS, LOVE HAS THE STRENGTH TO SAVE LIVES, LOVE IS THE EVERLASTING REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
My love always, E x
To love without pain is a lie. It comes as a packaged deal. Love is wonderful and powerful, but anything so powerful has to contain the possibility of devastation. Just think, we allow ourselves to love others and sometimes to accept the love in return all the time knowing that our hearts are no longer in our control, we lay them on the table for everyone to look at and damage in anyway they wish, but we still let ourselves do this. Why? Because that is the power of love. The power of love makes us put their needs before our own. The power of love takes away a part of our control. The power of love runs parallel to the power of hate. Two emotions so strong that they link, cross and are siblings in the field of entwined feelings. It is normal to have hatred feeling for those we love, temporarily, and it is actually normal to love those we hate. This is why. Also, take unrequited love for example, the pain that surrounds this is unbearable, yet we can't stop ourselves from loving no matter how powerful the pain, love is addictive.
I am honoured that I am blessed with the capability to love others, for there is no greater gift, apart from maybe having the capability to be loved in return.
We make the mistake in confusing falling in love with lasting love, one is natural, one needs commitment, one may fade, the other, well, the clue is in the name.
So many serious global issues can be resolved by love, but we don't believe the idea, and as our faith dwindles so does the possibility. LOVE HAS THE POWER TO END WARS, LOVE HAS THE STRENGTH TO SAVE LIVES, LOVE IS THE EVERLASTING REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
My love always, E x
Friday, 14 November 2014
No child should have to face their worst nightmare alone.
I'm aware that this post may attract a few new readers so to all of those who have not read my blog before, a massive hello goes to you and welcome to my site!
Tonight is the night we all congregate to watch and support BBC Children In Need 2014. Every year we attempt to raise more money than was raised the previous year. We wait patiently to hear which artists will be performing, we wait patiently to see the special episodes of television shows uniquely produced for this event and we wait patiently to donate money to those children who so desperately need it.
As time goes on, a lot of emphasis is placed on the show itself and sometimes we lose sight of the importance of the donations and where they actually go to.
I have been working behind the scenes this past while communicating as much as I could with those who haven't had a fair deal in life. With those who are supported by Children In Need.
I have gathered personal stories for you all to read. Stories which are true, stories of the lives of these brave young fighters. Some of the charities mentioned and other organisations may not be funded by BBC Children In Need yet, however these are examples of the services necessary for supporting individuals and therefore need funding. These young people have struggled with some of the most difficult experiences anyone ever has to face. They want to support others, they continue to look at life with as much positivity as they can. And tonight, for you, they have shared their stories and they ask that you please pick up the phone and donate to BBC Children In Need 2014. You will now read about their reasons..
Terri's story -
"My names Terri, and I was admitted to a psychiatric unit in August 2013 until the end of December 2013 with depression, an addiction to self harm, a distorted vision of the world around me and suicidal thoughts. Without the help I received I wouldn't be here today. Donating money will help me and a lot of other adolescents in need get the help they deserve, such as a hospital bed in worst cases, to fund therapists and nurses and outside, you'd be helping fund therapists to help teenagers like me and possibly helping prevent them reaching as low a state as hospitalization. Without nurses and hospital I wouldn't be here today, but unfortunately they're cutting down on the beds in the only mental adolescent hospital we have in Northern Ireland but with your help, we can change that and give the help people deserve."
Danielle's story -
"My name is Danielle McGriskin, I'm 18 years old and I have a brain tumour and hydrocephalus, AKA Annie and Heidi. Soon after I was diagnosed in July 2011 I was devastated to find out how little cancer research funding is being spent on brain tumours, currently less than 2% in the UK. Please support Children In Need so that you help children and young people like me who have been affected by a cancer diagnosis. Take a read of my blog called, "Danielle's Journey" (daniellemcgriskin.blogspot.co.uk) to follow my journey living with Annie and Heidi. Thank you!"
Joanna's story -
"A lot of people aren't aware of just how many young people suffer from mental illnesses. Lets just say there are 20 children in a class. Did you know its likely that at least two of those kids suffer from some form of mental illness? (According to The Office for National Statistics Mental health in children and young people in Great Britain, 2005) I can tell you, that for what is supposed to be the most vital part of growing up, I have myself been one of those two children. From the ages of 12-16 I fought some hard battles, without any professional support. The main reason for the fact I did it practically alone is simply because I didn't feel there was anywhere for me to go. I was aware my school had a councillor who came in once a week, but I didn't so much as know how to go about getting counselling and I always doubted I was "Sick Enough."
Can I point out those statistics I mentioned before are from 2005, that's nine years ago, with technology developing and cyber-bullying becoming a bigger problem than it ever has before, I don't doubt these numbers are now outdated. This is why I support children in need, and you should do. Children in need grant money to a wide range of organisations, including those who support young people suffering from mental health issues. I don't want other young people going through what I have alone."
Can I point out those statistics I mentioned before are from 2005, that's nine years ago, with technology developing and cyber-bullying becoming a bigger problem than it ever has before, I don't doubt these numbers are now outdated. This is why I support children in need, and you should do. Children in need grant money to a wide range of organisations, including those who support young people suffering from mental health issues. I don't want other young people going through what I have alone."
Lydia's story -
"Having been a Type 1 diabetic for 7 years now (I'm 19 now), I can honestly say that living with the condition isn’t easy. According to the Equality Act 2010, you’re considered disabled if you suffer with a physical or mental impairment that negatively affects your day-to-day activities. Going by this definition, Diabetes can be viewed as a disability. However, it’s one that cannot be seen unless you count the bruises from daily insulin injections or the drunk-like behaviour typical of a hypoglycaemic attack (low blood sugar). There is no cure as yet but I am hopeful that current and future research will get us there. So in the meantime, we aim for good control which is precisely what I did not have until I took part in the CHOICE programme at the Royal Belfast Hospital for Sick Children. I learnt how to carb count and calculate the appropriate insulin dose after taking into account my meal and blood sugar level. In short, I learnt why I have to take regular readings and follow my doctors’ advice. As a result, I feel much more empowered and I’m more willing to take readings because I can use the figures rather than simply filling a diary for a Specialist to flick through.The reason for me going on about my story is to try to emphasize that growing up is difficult enough without adding a disability, bereavement or bullying in to the mix. This is why help, in any shape or form, can change a person’s life for the better and so any donation to Children In Need, whether big or small, is vitally important in making that help possible.In addition to my story, I was asked to mentor a young girl who is also diabetic and was just starting her first year at Hunterhouse College in 2009. If I’m being perfectly honest, I didn’t mentor much, if at all and in fact, over the years, I would go so far as to say she’s mentored me and I have the privilege of being able to call her my friend. She’s gone through so much and has actually come out stronger for it. So I’d just like to dedicate (can I even do this?) my little essay to a wonderful inspiration, Erin Loughran (assuming she actually decides to put this in)."
D's story -
"I was referred to Action for Children in 2012 due to anxiety, panic attacks, fear of social events and depression. I was given a mentor called carol. She visited my house twice a week where we would work on self-esteem, body image, set goals and she would also take me out for coffee or shopping. This was extremely helpful and I had a close bond with her and I actually enjoyed seeing her. It wasn't like the usual CAMHS appointments, it was informal and confidential. Unfortunately, Action for Children is a funded charity and did not have the funds to continue my visits. The charity is still working, but donations would be very helpful to others who need help with anxiety, depression, eating disorders or any other mental illness. I would do anything to have this back but unfortunately it is not possible. So please donate to BBC Children In Need, funding is vital."
Jordan's story -
"My name is Jordan Caldwell and I have been fighting anorexia for almost 6 years now. I have been hospitalised for over a year and also out of school for over a year aswell. I was in an ordinary ward for 2 months and then I had to go into a psychiatric hospital for just over 11 months. I had many of scares with doctors telling my family it was beyond them how I was still alive and functioning, it was thanks to God who kept me safe and functioning. I then took an caesura on my birthday and was lucky to be alive again. I have had a life changing experience an eventually started on the road to recovery this time last year. Since that I have done many different things to spread the word and help others. I have done radio interviews, newspaper articles, worked with fixers an was on UTV. Just few weeks ago I represented fixers at the red carpet in London. It was simply amazing an one of best days to date in my life. I have also been giving the chance to make a clip for primary schools through a friend who works in schools. I am also going to be a media volunteer for the charity BEAT. I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason and I feel I didn't get anorexia to hide away and not talk about it but to talk and try to help others. I am now the main focus point for anorexia in males in the UK. My life has changed dramatically over the past year. I have changed from being at deaths door for 5 years to now being the main person in the Uk for anorexia in males an doing many workshops an webinars to help others. I have now met many celebrities and they are amazed and touched by my story which is amazing. Mental health an eating disorders is now a huge part of our society. Not enough emphasis is placed on it. It's not just an eating problem but also a mental one. Eating is only 1/3 of the illness. This is why the organisation BEAT is a fantastic service. It gives individuals such as me the chance to share the story to others and to help them learn more to then go on and help other anorexics. This is why you should donate this year to BBC Children In Need as they fund BEAT. They deserve recognition for the amazing service they provide and the chance they give recovering anorexics. Just think today of all those people who are affected or suffering from an eating disorder. You would want them to be strong and take that brave step to recovery. Well BEAT helps young people do this. So even if it is a little amount it will make a difference. So go on donate to BEAT. And from behalf of me an all those other anorexics who are helped or work along with BEAT we just want to say a huge thanks as with your donations you are helping us make a difference to try an help eating disorders. #beatanorexia!"
Carrie's story -
" Hi I'm Carrie, and I'm 18! I'm a young carer for my younger and only sister and have been ever since she was born when I was two years old.
Even from a young age I was always involved in my sisters care even though I didn't fully understand her illness until I was much older.
Having to care for her changed my whole life and they way I look at the world. It was and is extremely hard at times, my life was full, especially when my sister was younger and less stable, of hospital trips and staying with neighbours and trying to help someone that you can't quite understand how to help.
It's a very hard job that so many people do, it just, as any young carer will tell you, becomes a way of life and you never think that this isn't what "normal" kids and teenagers do, but you do it because you love and care for that person with all you heart and soul.
However, I feel more could be done to help and support people like me, I have only just started receiving help from a young carers service and so many carers don't even realise the services that are out there for them, I definitely didn't! If you are a young carer I'd urge you to look into support groups and services. It's a job that many underestimate but means a great deal to the special someone you're caring for. ~
BBC Children in Need is such a brilliant cause that helps so so many people.
Giving someone even as a little as a pound goes a long way.
So go on, be a hero for BBC Children in Need."
Jade's story -
"My name is Jade Ritchie, I'm 17 years old and have currently started on my road to recovery with anorexia and depression. In May 2013 my dad was rushed into hospital with what we thought was appendicitis. A few hours later he returned from theatre with draining tubes and many more machines attached to his body. We
Were then told after 2 weeks of seeing my daddy so Ill- that he has cancer and would be starting chemo soon after. My family were so confused and scared. The constant thought of how can this happen? He's too young? But he carried on.
In July 2013 I visited my family GP regularly as my family started to notice my weight loss. After one month I was then referred to the young people's centre in Belfast were I received counselling. In October 2014 age 16 my counsellor then referred me to Beechcroft mental health hospital were I started visiting the EDYS (eating disorder youth service) team were I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I attended the clinic twice a week getting counselling, then my appointments became more regular. I didn't see myself as seriously underweight nor did I believe that I was so unhealthy my organs were showing signs off shutting down. How could I believe this when all I seen in the mirror was a fat, ugly waste of space that didn't deserve to live? As my counselling went on I thought it was time I told my family how I felt. Since I can remember I was always the 'big' one out of my friends, the 'tomboy' who was a 'tank'. I hated myself in every way already without the constant reminder everyday that I was fat and ugly.
When I was 14, attending an all girls secondary school i knew myself I needed to change. I cut out food, hid food from my family and friends and carried on reminding everyone that I was okay. Laughing and joking when deep down all I wanted was to die. Being 11 and a half stone and dropping to 6 in less than a year. On the 3rd of January 2014 I was admitted to Beechcroft mental health hospital as an inpatient as I was seriously underweight, self harming and had constant thoughts of life not being worth living. I spent 6 and a half months in ward 1 being re-fed and counselled for depression.
While in hospital I got bad news, that my daddy's cancer wasn't curable and they were giving him time. My mind was going crazy but I needed to be here for my family. I reminded myself off this everyday.
On the 16th of June 2014 I was discharged from hospital. I got back home and realised how much my family needed me here.
Without the help of many charities me, and my family wouldn't be where we are today. Dads still fighting to the end and I'm currently struggling but enjoying my time I have left with him. All I can do is stay strong. So please, tonight, pick up your phone and donate to BBC Children In Need 2014. Myself and so many others need your funding. Thank-you."
Special words from ~
Tara Mills BBC Broadcaster -
"I've seen at first hand the amazing work by Children In Need. So many children don't get a good start and intervention - even something small - can make a huge difference to their lives."
Mister Sanders, London hiphop producer and rap artist -
"I think people should donate to a good cause for under priviliged children who haven't had a fair deal to allow us to create opportunities for them so they can aspire to be something in life. There needs to be ways for them to understand that no matter where you come from you can be someone."
And finally I would like to say that BBC Children In Need funds so many charities and organisations close to my heart, from diabetes related charities, to mental health foundations, and I am currently working with MACS supporting young people charity, this is funded by Children In Need. I promise you, your donations make such a huge difference to young people's lives all across the land.
We will ensure that no child has to face their worst nightmare alone.
Tonight you have the opportunity to be a hero.
Don't miss it.
Thank-you.
Visit the following website which tells you how you can donate.. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/22w0vNWLPftNlYjwPtclpDw/donate
Erin x
Sunday, 2 November 2014
You are not defined by how many likes you get on your pictures!
Hey,
So tonight I'm going to talk about something that is rather personal to me and I'm sure a lot of you too. Body image.
When I hear these two words so many horrible thoughts go through my head, negative thoughts about myself. It's a hard topic to speak about without seeming attention seeking, I completely get that, it's hard to listen to someone say this stuff and not think ugh they want attention or someone to pay them compliments and to be honest I'd probably think that, or well I would have, but not now as much.
One part of my battle is that with self esteem and poor body image. People probably think oh you post loads of selfies and outfits so clearly you don't have issues with that, again I totally get how that looks. Personally, I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone anymore, so I'm comfortable doing these things. I post pictures whenever I'm wearing make-up and usually have a filter on them. I DO NOT ADVOCATE THE NEED TO WEAR MAKEUP BECAUSE GIRLS/BOYS YOU REALLY DO NOT NEED IT NOR DO YOU NEED TO EDIT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS. I do it only because it's something I really struggle with and at present need to do so.
I struggle looking in mirrors, I struggle seeing what looks back at me. I don't want to say everything I dislike about how I look because that's just going to end in a flippin' self loathing negative swirl of comments and I can't be bothered with that haha! But just putting it out there for others, especially those who are younger and tend to copy those who are a bit older.
Girls, (and boys if this relates to you), you do not need to feel worthless if you don't get as many likes on your pictures. Your worth is not destined on how many instagram/facebook likes you get. If you don't have bleached blonde hair, or the most up to date GHD straighteners, wear white chunk heels, fake tan, belly bandeau tops, have "on point" eyebrows and know how to perfectly pose in a supposedly innocent way, I salute you. If you do these things I have nothing against you, if it makes you feel happy and you love that style then go for it! I'm just generalizing this as I know so many people feel worthless because they aren't "one of those girls".
I promise you, if you wish to have pale skin. If you wish to wear vintage style. If you prefer covering yourself up. If you just cannot hack the pain of walking in heels. If you really don't want a camera in your face pouting for selfies all the time. If you would rather read a classic novel as opposed to a magazine. If you follow the Bible closer than the recent style trends. If you have no idea who Cara Delevingne actually is. If you haven't got a leather jacket, an iPhone .. in white obviously... a choker necklace, a massive bow for your hair. If you don't get over 20 likes on a picture you post on social media, if people don't comment about omw they wish they were you. If you are that person sitting at home in tears wishing that you were loved, that people noticed, that society would WAKE UP and for the love of pete realise the important things in this world!! You are amazing. You don't fit into the uniform of society's pressure? GO YOU! You want to never dye your hair well that saves money doesn't it! You study, you work hard, you maybe hate all forms of intellect and prefer manual work! YOU ARE SPECIAL. You do not in any way shape or form need to try and fit in with this trend. You are amazing as you are. It sounds so cliché but if I could maybe just make one reader realise that when an interviewer asks you in a few years what your qualities are, saying I have 300 likes on my profile picture ain't going to get you that job. Trying to desperately not let your looks fade by spending more money on make up than your child's clothes in years to come is not going to raise your family. Imagine your daughter was looking at you now, feeling that unless she spends money in topshop she isn't worthy of her place on this beautiful, challenging world. Just imagine that.
Please, I ask of you, be proud to be different. You are not defined by popularity. I am not the prettiest girl who has lived nor am I a genius, a lot of people dislike my style, I don't get hundreds of likes on my pictures on facebook, but does that make me any less of a person? Will that make me happier? No. I live my life doing what I feel is best for me, and not copying society's constant trend change.
You are you and my goodness you are amazing. If you love yourself or hate yourself, if you are extremely popular or if you go unnoticed in the corridors most days, just realise you are you and there isn't another person on this earth who could be you as well you can!
#TrueBeautyIsNotWornItIsContained
Love E x
So tonight I'm going to talk about something that is rather personal to me and I'm sure a lot of you too. Body image.
When I hear these two words so many horrible thoughts go through my head, negative thoughts about myself. It's a hard topic to speak about without seeming attention seeking, I completely get that, it's hard to listen to someone say this stuff and not think ugh they want attention or someone to pay them compliments and to be honest I'd probably think that, or well I would have, but not now as much.
One part of my battle is that with self esteem and poor body image. People probably think oh you post loads of selfies and outfits so clearly you don't have issues with that, again I totally get how that looks. Personally, I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone anymore, so I'm comfortable doing these things. I post pictures whenever I'm wearing make-up and usually have a filter on them. I DO NOT ADVOCATE THE NEED TO WEAR MAKEUP BECAUSE GIRLS/BOYS YOU REALLY DO NOT NEED IT NOR DO YOU NEED TO EDIT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS. I do it only because it's something I really struggle with and at present need to do so.
I struggle looking in mirrors, I struggle seeing what looks back at me. I don't want to say everything I dislike about how I look because that's just going to end in a flippin' self loathing negative swirl of comments and I can't be bothered with that haha! But just putting it out there for others, especially those who are younger and tend to copy those who are a bit older.
Girls, (and boys if this relates to you), you do not need to feel worthless if you don't get as many likes on your pictures. Your worth is not destined on how many instagram/facebook likes you get. If you don't have bleached blonde hair, or the most up to date GHD straighteners, wear white chunk heels, fake tan, belly bandeau tops, have "on point" eyebrows and know how to perfectly pose in a supposedly innocent way, I salute you. If you do these things I have nothing against you, if it makes you feel happy and you love that style then go for it! I'm just generalizing this as I know so many people feel worthless because they aren't "one of those girls".
I promise you, if you wish to have pale skin. If you wish to wear vintage style. If you prefer covering yourself up. If you just cannot hack the pain of walking in heels. If you really don't want a camera in your face pouting for selfies all the time. If you would rather read a classic novel as opposed to a magazine. If you follow the Bible closer than the recent style trends. If you have no idea who Cara Delevingne actually is. If you haven't got a leather jacket, an iPhone .. in white obviously... a choker necklace, a massive bow for your hair. If you don't get over 20 likes on a picture you post on social media, if people don't comment about omw they wish they were you. If you are that person sitting at home in tears wishing that you were loved, that people noticed, that society would WAKE UP and for the love of pete realise the important things in this world!! You are amazing. You don't fit into the uniform of society's pressure? GO YOU! You want to never dye your hair well that saves money doesn't it! You study, you work hard, you maybe hate all forms of intellect and prefer manual work! YOU ARE SPECIAL. You do not in any way shape or form need to try and fit in with this trend. You are amazing as you are. It sounds so cliché but if I could maybe just make one reader realise that when an interviewer asks you in a few years what your qualities are, saying I have 300 likes on my profile picture ain't going to get you that job. Trying to desperately not let your looks fade by spending more money on make up than your child's clothes in years to come is not going to raise your family. Imagine your daughter was looking at you now, feeling that unless she spends money in topshop she isn't worthy of her place on this beautiful, challenging world. Just imagine that.
Please, I ask of you, be proud to be different. You are not defined by popularity. I am not the prettiest girl who has lived nor am I a genius, a lot of people dislike my style, I don't get hundreds of likes on my pictures on facebook, but does that make me any less of a person? Will that make me happier? No. I live my life doing what I feel is best for me, and not copying society's constant trend change.
You are you and my goodness you are amazing. If you love yourself or hate yourself, if you are extremely popular or if you go unnoticed in the corridors most days, just realise you are you and there isn't another person on this earth who could be you as well you can!
#TrueBeautyIsNotWornItIsContained
Love E x
Saturday, 1 November 2014
I'M BACK!!
Ahh hello lovelies! :D
I am back, I sincerely apologise for not posting for quite a while! A lot has happened over the past week!
I have moved into my new house and I love love love my new bedroom, it is a converted attack and is basically my dream come true! I have only just got wifi back so I thought what should I do first and ahh of course I decided to blog!! After we get a few things done I will be decorating my room and I have lots of quirky ideas so that's really exciting!
IT WAS HALLOWEEN YESTERDAY AND I WENT TRICK OR TREATING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS LIKE 5!! I did not have an organised outfit but last minute I worked with what I had and turned out being a dead fairy.. interestinggg haha! I will have pictures up soon on my facebook/instagram for you guys to see! There was an event on called 'Twilight night by fairy light' at my local park and the tickets were sold out so my friend and I hiked from my house down to it in the BUCKETING rain, all dressed up and the security guard gave us wristbands for free and they were VIP! We had an amazing night, there was food, lantern walks, live irish music and the best firework show ever! (Although one of the fireworks went into the audience by accident and it was rather scary)!
I have soo many ideas for upcoming blogs so please keep an eye out and get involved!
Much love, E x
I am back, I sincerely apologise for not posting for quite a while! A lot has happened over the past week!
I have moved into my new house and I love love love my new bedroom, it is a converted attack and is basically my dream come true! I have only just got wifi back so I thought what should I do first and ahh of course I decided to blog!! After we get a few things done I will be decorating my room and I have lots of quirky ideas so that's really exciting!
IT WAS HALLOWEEN YESTERDAY AND I WENT TRICK OR TREATING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS LIKE 5!! I did not have an organised outfit but last minute I worked with what I had and turned out being a dead fairy.. interestinggg haha! I will have pictures up soon on my facebook/instagram for you guys to see! There was an event on called 'Twilight night by fairy light' at my local park and the tickets were sold out so my friend and I hiked from my house down to it in the BUCKETING rain, all dressed up and the security guard gave us wristbands for free and they were VIP! We had an amazing night, there was food, lantern walks, live irish music and the best firework show ever! (Although one of the fireworks went into the audience by accident and it was rather scary)!
I have soo many ideas for upcoming blogs so please keep an eye out and get involved!
Much love, E x
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
I am who I am, whoever I am.
My name is Erin.
I am who I am, whoever I am.
I am girl, a girl who lives and breathes and loves and laughs. A girl with dreams, a girl with memories. I am capable of sharing and growing in relationships and through faith. Through finding myself I am a detective. A detective inspecting the person behind the story. I am more than you think. I am me. I have carried labels, I am not my labels. I am a student, a learner, I believe I will always be a student of life, but this does not class me as a constant nerd. I spend time and effort and interest in my clothing, style, make up, hair, shoes, nails, skin and smile, however this does not allow men to view me as an object, I am more than my image, I work at my image but attention is not my intended destination, self respect, mutual respect, and artistic fascination is my intended masterpiece. I have internal joy, oh sometimes it can be so locked away, like a piece of gold buried under fossils in the deepest ocean, I can be blinded by the darkness yet blinded by the light but I have joy as I walk by faith and not by sight and this knights me with the opportunity to feel the sentiment of joy. I am young, but how can society say I am inexperienced, as the book title quotes don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins? How can my elders say I do not understand the depths of love, the fear of earthly pressures, the weight of mortal burdens? How can they know I have not yet experienced internal contentment and fully thankful friendships. I am a musician but why must I be judged and asked about my grades and level of success? I can create sound and tunes of tones and pitches, I can serenade my enemy if only I had one. I can sing, oh how I am a singer, I express my feelings and most indescribable thoughts through the gift of manipulating vocal chords, power, strength and tunes written by nostalgic artists. Does this mean I can sing and please the ears of many judges, no I cannot, I do not match the standards of societies never ending bar of acceptance, but oh how I can sing through the definition and personal desire. I blog, I blog in contemporary lingo, I blog in ancient poetic language. Why must I be classed a vintage blogger? A modern day typist? Why must I fit in to a group or a single definition, because the truth is I must not. I can create my own group because all they are, are collections of sinners with similar interests or hipster differences, trying to prove themselves worthy, we can create as many groups as we like but why must others join? Why not be individual in an original manner? Why must groups have leaders and followers, yes it adds purpose and keeps the calm as people understand their roles, but why when we are all born equal can we not freely say how we feel and what we need? Why must the shop keepers staff request to know my every move, my reasons for not being in full time education or working a job that I should be in to prove I am a respectful adolescent, why must I give excuses when panicked under pressure, when really my business is that of my own that I should share when I feel it appropriate and necessary, maybe even unnecessary but through my decisions I express this, my personal opinion and approach. My understanding and purpose, my experience and my hopeful aspirations, I am who I am, whoever I am I am yet to find, I cannot know the extent of my capabilities until these activities and/or events are laid out in front of me and I grasp them with both hands in a moment of rebellion or pure desire or inquest. I may not conform and abide to societies demands and wishes because my maker and leader is not in my sight, but in my soul, I may not be someone you wish to encounter, or grow close to. I am human, I am not my illnesses or difficulties. I am not extraordinary or different to any of you in one way yet couldn't be more different in another. I am a human, with love and purpose, with inquisition and disappointment, with faith and hope, who carries failures and winnings, who has experienced heart break and love in its many forms, I have so much to learn yet have experienced more than many infants, I need company and friendships, people to care, and the opportunity to care, I feel lonely and supported, wishful and cheeky, I have many negatives and many positives, I am who I am, whoever I am. Do not mistake me for how I look, do not judge me on my experiences. Do not feel pity for me or my journey, for everyone has their journeys and everyone will learn along the way. Life is full of learning events which must be lived to be understood. I am unique yet uniformed in many ways. I have potential and purpose, I have shame and worry, I feel pain and my blood is red, my skin is pale and my eyes are tinted by my ancestors genes. I am in a time of confusion, a time of realising who I am, I am not recovered and I am not who I was, I feel as though I stand on no man's land with no cover, protection or barbed wire for defence. I am alone in my battle, however my battle is my own and I am travelling through this world, this is one stage in which I learn. I am on the road to finding myself, but is the destination the real truth or is the journey my real self? Do not think too great of me, do not doubt my ways too much, for I am who I am, whoever I am.
E x
I am who I am, whoever I am.
I am girl, a girl who lives and breathes and loves and laughs. A girl with dreams, a girl with memories. I am capable of sharing and growing in relationships and through faith. Through finding myself I am a detective. A detective inspecting the person behind the story. I am more than you think. I am me. I have carried labels, I am not my labels. I am a student, a learner, I believe I will always be a student of life, but this does not class me as a constant nerd. I spend time and effort and interest in my clothing, style, make up, hair, shoes, nails, skin and smile, however this does not allow men to view me as an object, I am more than my image, I work at my image but attention is not my intended destination, self respect, mutual respect, and artistic fascination is my intended masterpiece. I have internal joy, oh sometimes it can be so locked away, like a piece of gold buried under fossils in the deepest ocean, I can be blinded by the darkness yet blinded by the light but I have joy as I walk by faith and not by sight and this knights me with the opportunity to feel the sentiment of joy. I am young, but how can society say I am inexperienced, as the book title quotes don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins? How can my elders say I do not understand the depths of love, the fear of earthly pressures, the weight of mortal burdens? How can they know I have not yet experienced internal contentment and fully thankful friendships. I am a musician but why must I be judged and asked about my grades and level of success? I can create sound and tunes of tones and pitches, I can serenade my enemy if only I had one. I can sing, oh how I am a singer, I express my feelings and most indescribable thoughts through the gift of manipulating vocal chords, power, strength and tunes written by nostalgic artists. Does this mean I can sing and please the ears of many judges, no I cannot, I do not match the standards of societies never ending bar of acceptance, but oh how I can sing through the definition and personal desire. I blog, I blog in contemporary lingo, I blog in ancient poetic language. Why must I be classed a vintage blogger? A modern day typist? Why must I fit in to a group or a single definition, because the truth is I must not. I can create my own group because all they are, are collections of sinners with similar interests or hipster differences, trying to prove themselves worthy, we can create as many groups as we like but why must others join? Why not be individual in an original manner? Why must groups have leaders and followers, yes it adds purpose and keeps the calm as people understand their roles, but why when we are all born equal can we not freely say how we feel and what we need? Why must the shop keepers staff request to know my every move, my reasons for not being in full time education or working a job that I should be in to prove I am a respectful adolescent, why must I give excuses when panicked under pressure, when really my business is that of my own that I should share when I feel it appropriate and necessary, maybe even unnecessary but through my decisions I express this, my personal opinion and approach. My understanding and purpose, my experience and my hopeful aspirations, I am who I am, whoever I am I am yet to find, I cannot know the extent of my capabilities until these activities and/or events are laid out in front of me and I grasp them with both hands in a moment of rebellion or pure desire or inquest. I may not conform and abide to societies demands and wishes because my maker and leader is not in my sight, but in my soul, I may not be someone you wish to encounter, or grow close to. I am human, I am not my illnesses or difficulties. I am not extraordinary or different to any of you in one way yet couldn't be more different in another. I am a human, with love and purpose, with inquisition and disappointment, with faith and hope, who carries failures and winnings, who has experienced heart break and love in its many forms, I have so much to learn yet have experienced more than many infants, I need company and friendships, people to care, and the opportunity to care, I feel lonely and supported, wishful and cheeky, I have many negatives and many positives, I am who I am, whoever I am. Do not mistake me for how I look, do not judge me on my experiences. Do not feel pity for me or my journey, for everyone has their journeys and everyone will learn along the way. Life is full of learning events which must be lived to be understood. I am unique yet uniformed in many ways. I have potential and purpose, I have shame and worry, I feel pain and my blood is red, my skin is pale and my eyes are tinted by my ancestors genes. I am in a time of confusion, a time of realising who I am, I am not recovered and I am not who I was, I feel as though I stand on no man's land with no cover, protection or barbed wire for defence. I am alone in my battle, however my battle is my own and I am travelling through this world, this is one stage in which I learn. I am on the road to finding myself, but is the destination the real truth or is the journey my real self? Do not think too great of me, do not doubt my ways too much, for I am who I am, whoever I am.
E x
Monday, 20 October 2014
You do not need to prove yourself to anyone!
Hello Peeps!
Ahh tonight is stormy outside and I'm cuddled up all cosy and warm in my jammies waiting on Grantchester coming on the TV! I don't know about you but there is nothing I love more than stormy nights and lovely lit up living rooms!
On to my message tonight! So I have been getting amazing support with my 'Just Give Me A Reason Mission', I am loving reading what gives different people hope, so interesting and reminds me to appreciate the little things! Thank-you so much for all taking part, this is going to be great!
So, we can all talk about our struggles, we can talk about what upsets us, what has happened to us, how low we feel and how strong our urges are, maybe even our fear of going backwards, but, can we honestly say we are comfortable talking about getting better? Can we admit to seeing an improvement? Yeah, sometimes we probably love being able to say this. But, I know for me, I find it harder to talk about getting better than getting worse.
When you have struggled for a particular period of time, it becomes your comfort zone. For me, as horrible as it can be having health problems and being in and out of mental health and medical hospitals it became my comfort zone. I feel lost whenever I'm not faced with a serious health issue or an extreme level of anxiety or even tolnwl (thoughts of life not worth living). Normal every day jobs, responsibilities, happenings aren't my normal. I am learning how to deal with getting up and going and doing a days work/learning, I am learning how to use public transport, I am learning so many things that most people class normal. For me if you were to ask me to go to a hospital appointment or use a bus, I would probably pick the hospital appointment. If you were to ask me to sit in school or a therapists office, I would pick the latter. Not because it's what I want to do, but because I don't know life as it should be. I know life as it has been. Due to experiences I had in my childhood I am petrified of people leaving me. Absolutely terrified of being left on my own, of people breaking my trust and of having to deal with my issues on my own. So for me, to admit to a therapist or a doctor that I have been managing well or I have gone through a day without feeling nauseous, seems practically unimaginable. Why? Because if I say that, they may leave me. They may say well now you're recovered you don't need me. But this isn't the case. This isn't what is going to happen, it's just my deep in-bedded fear of rejection and loss. So linking people leaving me to admitting to feeling okay, well, is why I don't want to admit to it, I feel in a way I just cannot say it. I sometimes find myself asking myself, what is wrong with me now? How do I feel? I have actually trained myself to stop constantly asking myself how I'm feeling. I have prevented myself from telling people oh I feel sick now. When asked how I am, I now say good thankyou! Instead of constantly saying awk not great. Because by telling myself this I reinforce the thought of needing to constantly remind people I'm unwell, prove myself to others, not lose them.
1.) YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO.
2.) IT IS OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY
3.) RECOVERY HAS MANY UPS AND MANY DOWNS, DON'T FEAR THE UPS, DON'T OBSESS OVER THE DOWNS
It is okay to be scared of admitting to recovering, improvement even. It does not mean you will not have many more down days, it does not mean your urges aren't there for 70% + of your daily thoughts, it does not mean you can manage all on your own. But I cannot emphasise enough to you how important it is to acknowledge the good moments. To share the good times, to smile even when you don't feel like it, not as a mask, but as an effort. Stop being so scared of people not believing you and of people judging you and leaving. Those who are true and care about you, will not leave. You do not need everyone to fully understand for you to make them believe you. Be confident in knowing that it is fab to have good days and normal to struggle still, you can admit to success, you don't need to hide it!
Be who you really are, I say this again, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone.
Life isn't a race, or a constant competition. We don't need to prove ourselves to each other, we don't need to beat each other in competitions. We spend so much time trying to think about the future, feeling like we are waiting for something that will never come. Not appreciating and making the most of the moment we are in. Feel the moment, live the moment, because this moment is yesterdays future and the next moment you find yourself in, will be todays future. Just stop. Just for a minute. Reflect, sit in silence, life will go on no matter what, you won't fix everything, you can't be all to everyone, so instead of constantly being so hard on yourself, appreciate the moment your in, find the true meaning of life and put things into perspective. Something which may seem like everything to you right now, most likely won't seem important to you in 10 years time.
Breathe, just breathe.
Love, E x
Ahh tonight is stormy outside and I'm cuddled up all cosy and warm in my jammies waiting on Grantchester coming on the TV! I don't know about you but there is nothing I love more than stormy nights and lovely lit up living rooms!
On to my message tonight! So I have been getting amazing support with my 'Just Give Me A Reason Mission', I am loving reading what gives different people hope, so interesting and reminds me to appreciate the little things! Thank-you so much for all taking part, this is going to be great!
So, we can all talk about our struggles, we can talk about what upsets us, what has happened to us, how low we feel and how strong our urges are, maybe even our fear of going backwards, but, can we honestly say we are comfortable talking about getting better? Can we admit to seeing an improvement? Yeah, sometimes we probably love being able to say this. But, I know for me, I find it harder to talk about getting better than getting worse.
When you have struggled for a particular period of time, it becomes your comfort zone. For me, as horrible as it can be having health problems and being in and out of mental health and medical hospitals it became my comfort zone. I feel lost whenever I'm not faced with a serious health issue or an extreme level of anxiety or even tolnwl (thoughts of life not worth living). Normal every day jobs, responsibilities, happenings aren't my normal. I am learning how to deal with getting up and going and doing a days work/learning, I am learning how to use public transport, I am learning so many things that most people class normal. For me if you were to ask me to go to a hospital appointment or use a bus, I would probably pick the hospital appointment. If you were to ask me to sit in school or a therapists office, I would pick the latter. Not because it's what I want to do, but because I don't know life as it should be. I know life as it has been. Due to experiences I had in my childhood I am petrified of people leaving me. Absolutely terrified of being left on my own, of people breaking my trust and of having to deal with my issues on my own. So for me, to admit to a therapist or a doctor that I have been managing well or I have gone through a day without feeling nauseous, seems practically unimaginable. Why? Because if I say that, they may leave me. They may say well now you're recovered you don't need me. But this isn't the case. This isn't what is going to happen, it's just my deep in-bedded fear of rejection and loss. So linking people leaving me to admitting to feeling okay, well, is why I don't want to admit to it, I feel in a way I just cannot say it. I sometimes find myself asking myself, what is wrong with me now? How do I feel? I have actually trained myself to stop constantly asking myself how I'm feeling. I have prevented myself from telling people oh I feel sick now. When asked how I am, I now say good thankyou! Instead of constantly saying awk not great. Because by telling myself this I reinforce the thought of needing to constantly remind people I'm unwell, prove myself to others, not lose them.
1.) YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO.
2.) IT IS OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY
3.) RECOVERY HAS MANY UPS AND MANY DOWNS, DON'T FEAR THE UPS, DON'T OBSESS OVER THE DOWNS
It is okay to be scared of admitting to recovering, improvement even. It does not mean you will not have many more down days, it does not mean your urges aren't there for 70% + of your daily thoughts, it does not mean you can manage all on your own. But I cannot emphasise enough to you how important it is to acknowledge the good moments. To share the good times, to smile even when you don't feel like it, not as a mask, but as an effort. Stop being so scared of people not believing you and of people judging you and leaving. Those who are true and care about you, will not leave. You do not need everyone to fully understand for you to make them believe you. Be confident in knowing that it is fab to have good days and normal to struggle still, you can admit to success, you don't need to hide it!
Be who you really are, I say this again, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone.
Life isn't a race, or a constant competition. We don't need to prove ourselves to each other, we don't need to beat each other in competitions. We spend so much time trying to think about the future, feeling like we are waiting for something that will never come. Not appreciating and making the most of the moment we are in. Feel the moment, live the moment, because this moment is yesterdays future and the next moment you find yourself in, will be todays future. Just stop. Just for a minute. Reflect, sit in silence, life will go on no matter what, you won't fix everything, you can't be all to everyone, so instead of constantly being so hard on yourself, appreciate the moment your in, find the true meaning of life and put things into perspective. Something which may seem like everything to you right now, most likely won't seem important to you in 10 years time.
Breathe, just breathe.
Love, E x
Saturday, 18 October 2014
'Just Give Me A Reason' Mission!
Hello lovelies!
I haven't posted in a wee while but I have been thinking a lot about my blog and I have a few ideas floating around my imagination, so keep checking out my blog to see what's coming up!
I have had a rough few days, have been quite tired having to deal with the thoughts and I was in A&E last night until 4am with severe chest pains but I am okay and have been trying to keep myself distracted with some work and playing my guitar.
So I have been thinking, for people who haven't suffered from a mental illness or a mental health difficulty, they sometimes don't realise just how hard it is to find a point. To find a reason to hold on. To see their purpose. To have hope. To have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We then get asked a lot well what keeps you fighting? And we are told to have hope. Whenever we are struggling this seems like a pretty unrealistic ask, pretty impossible. So I have decided to start a mission, and I hope that I can get some support with this.
Can I ask you to do a favour? A favour for me, a favour for you and a favour for someone to whom you do not yet know.
I would like to hear from all of you why you feel life is worth fighting for. Tell us where you find your hope to persevere. What your purpose is for getting out of bed in the morning.
It may be that you have a goal, a country you want to visit, you may want to get married, start your own business, raise a child, help the suffering, play basketball, grow closer in faith, make dinner for your family, teach a class, eat chocolate, make somebody proud, or simply you have a desire to live life to the fullest to sample all that it can offer.
By sharing your hope, you may give the priceless gift of hope to someone who has very little of it. You have the opportunity tonight to give a hopeless soul a reason to get through the night.
So please join me in my "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission and post on your facebook or twitter or instagram or text somebody saying ..
'I am supporting the "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission by sharing my reason as to how I know life is worth fighting for, please share yours too, #ShareHopeSaveLives ..... *Insert your reason here*
Lets show those in need of a little hope, those who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is hope and that we're willing to help!
Thankyou so much for the support!
Love E x
I haven't posted in a wee while but I have been thinking a lot about my blog and I have a few ideas floating around my imagination, so keep checking out my blog to see what's coming up!
I have had a rough few days, have been quite tired having to deal with the thoughts and I was in A&E last night until 4am with severe chest pains but I am okay and have been trying to keep myself distracted with some work and playing my guitar.
So I have been thinking, for people who haven't suffered from a mental illness or a mental health difficulty, they sometimes don't realise just how hard it is to find a point. To find a reason to hold on. To see their purpose. To have hope. To have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We then get asked a lot well what keeps you fighting? And we are told to have hope. Whenever we are struggling this seems like a pretty unrealistic ask, pretty impossible. So I have decided to start a mission, and I hope that I can get some support with this.
Can I ask you to do a favour? A favour for me, a favour for you and a favour for someone to whom you do not yet know.
I would like to hear from all of you why you feel life is worth fighting for. Tell us where you find your hope to persevere. What your purpose is for getting out of bed in the morning.
It may be that you have a goal, a country you want to visit, you may want to get married, start your own business, raise a child, help the suffering, play basketball, grow closer in faith, make dinner for your family, teach a class, eat chocolate, make somebody proud, or simply you have a desire to live life to the fullest to sample all that it can offer.
By sharing your hope, you may give the priceless gift of hope to someone who has very little of it. You have the opportunity tonight to give a hopeless soul a reason to get through the night.
So please join me in my "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission and post on your facebook or twitter or instagram or text somebody saying ..
'I am supporting the "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission by sharing my reason as to how I know life is worth fighting for, please share yours too, #ShareHopeSaveLives ..... *Insert your reason here*
Lets show those in need of a little hope, those who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is hope and that we're willing to help!
Thankyou so much for the support!
Love E x
Monday, 13 October 2014
Don't let your struggles define you!
Hey guys,
Today hasn't been a good day for me, but I guess that's part of recovery, right? It has it's up days and it's down days and today is definitely a down day for me.
I started my new medication and I have had really horrible side affects, I was up most of last night shaking so much and I woke up with hallucinations, I have felt extremely nauseous and motion sick all day. My mood has really dropped and I have slept most of today and haven't managed to get out of my onesie. My intensive treatment team workers came out to see me but I didn't go out with them today.
I know my mood has dropped as a side affect of the meds but it is still really hard to deal with. It is very hard to see your peers getting out and about and having fun when that's all you want but can't manage to do it, it is really hard trying to keep your head above water when you don't feel like you fit in.
I am dealing with the intrusive thoughts and I am still fighting away at this wee mucker of depression and urges but some days I just have to accept the fact that these feelings are there. Sometimes that's all we can do and all we need to do.
Yeah I feel kind of useless and detached from the world today, yeah the point seems invisible. I feel invisible, but I've got to keep fighting, there is more to life than this, today is just a hard day, another page in my book, but it doesn't define me.
Don't let your struggles define you.
All my love, E x
Today hasn't been a good day for me, but I guess that's part of recovery, right? It has it's up days and it's down days and today is definitely a down day for me.
I started my new medication and I have had really horrible side affects, I was up most of last night shaking so much and I woke up with hallucinations, I have felt extremely nauseous and motion sick all day. My mood has really dropped and I have slept most of today and haven't managed to get out of my onesie. My intensive treatment team workers came out to see me but I didn't go out with them today.
I know my mood has dropped as a side affect of the meds but it is still really hard to deal with. It is very hard to see your peers getting out and about and having fun when that's all you want but can't manage to do it, it is really hard trying to keep your head above water when you don't feel like you fit in.
I am dealing with the intrusive thoughts and I am still fighting away at this wee mucker of depression and urges but some days I just have to accept the fact that these feelings are there. Sometimes that's all we can do and all we need to do.
Yeah I feel kind of useless and detached from the world today, yeah the point seems invisible. I feel invisible, but I've got to keep fighting, there is more to life than this, today is just a hard day, another page in my book, but it doesn't define me.
Don't let your struggles define you.
All my love, E x
Saturday, 11 October 2014
To my friends..
Friendship. Something so powerful, so full of love, potential, trust, respect. Friendship to me is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe of life.
To my friends, to all of those who have been there for me. Who have supported me. Who never left my side when I needed them. To those who have stayed up to one o'clock in the morning to talk to me when I needed them. To the girl who couldn't get in contact with me when I was in a bad place so drove for miles to find me when she didn't know where I was, who waited in the hospital waiting room just to give me a hug. To the girl who gave me the longest hug to make me feel safe when I was admitted on to the ward. To the girls who all gathered to celebrate my birthday making unforgettable memories that will last a life time. To all of the kind ladies and gents who have been praying for me for years now. To my amazing girl who sent me lovely letters in the mail just to give me strength and who has stood by me for over a decade. To the boys who defended me when others weren't being very kind. To all of those who have done all of these things and never once wanted credit or anything in return.
I cannot explain to you what you have done for me. The impact that you have made on my life. The safety you have offered in my hour of need, the comfort and love and continual support you have shown me.
I genuinely don't know what I have ever done to deserve such an amazing group of friends. Even those who aren't as close to me as others are showing me such love. This has strengthened my hope in humanity. We all have the potential in us to save lives. To protect others. From making a baby smile, to raising a child who does not share our genes. To saving a soul and to feed the starved. We have so much potential. All we need to do is share this love, hope and potential and the world will live in more harmony.
To my friends, I love you, you all know who you are. I cannot thank you all personally for what you have done for me, for being there for me, for supporting me in all my endeavours. You are the reason I am able to continue fighting. The joy I feel knowing there are so many people in this world who I have not yet met, who will continue to impact my life, who can share their experiences with me, who I can learn from, who I can love.
Friendship, past, present, future. I am blessed to know what it feels like to grow together as friends, to face life's daily challenges with other human beings. I am blessed to have experienced love in one of it's most touching forms.
Friendship carries potential, friendship is a choice, so tonight share a hug with those with whom you can rejoice!
To you, the reader, spread love not hate.
E x
To my friends, to all of those who have been there for me. Who have supported me. Who never left my side when I needed them. To those who have stayed up to one o'clock in the morning to talk to me when I needed them. To the girl who couldn't get in contact with me when I was in a bad place so drove for miles to find me when she didn't know where I was, who waited in the hospital waiting room just to give me a hug. To the girl who gave me the longest hug to make me feel safe when I was admitted on to the ward. To the girls who all gathered to celebrate my birthday making unforgettable memories that will last a life time. To all of the kind ladies and gents who have been praying for me for years now. To my amazing girl who sent me lovely letters in the mail just to give me strength and who has stood by me for over a decade. To the boys who defended me when others weren't being very kind. To all of those who have done all of these things and never once wanted credit or anything in return.
I cannot explain to you what you have done for me. The impact that you have made on my life. The safety you have offered in my hour of need, the comfort and love and continual support you have shown me.
I genuinely don't know what I have ever done to deserve such an amazing group of friends. Even those who aren't as close to me as others are showing me such love. This has strengthened my hope in humanity. We all have the potential in us to save lives. To protect others. From making a baby smile, to raising a child who does not share our genes. To saving a soul and to feed the starved. We have so much potential. All we need to do is share this love, hope and potential and the world will live in more harmony.
To my friends, I love you, you all know who you are. I cannot thank you all personally for what you have done for me, for being there for me, for supporting me in all my endeavours. You are the reason I am able to continue fighting. The joy I feel knowing there are so many people in this world who I have not yet met, who will continue to impact my life, who can share their experiences with me, who I can learn from, who I can love.
Friendship, past, present, future. I am blessed to know what it feels like to grow together as friends, to face life's daily challenges with other human beings. I am blessed to have experienced love in one of it's most touching forms.
Friendship carries potential, friendship is a choice, so tonight share a hug with those with whom you can rejoice!
To you, the reader, spread love not hate.
E x
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