Hey lovelies!
I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a long time but I have been soo busy!
This past week or so I have been struggling severely with my anxiety, it came to a head this morning and I threw up everywhere.
So I was thinking, I am going to let you into what it's like to live a day in the life of a person with an anxiety disorder. (It's a little altered to match me personally) Here goes..
Wake up. Breathe. Oh my gosh it's a new day, can I cope with this day, what do I have to do today? Oh no I have to go to tech, that means people, people looking at me, oh dear I better dress right or they'll laugh, but if I dress too much they'll laugh, but if I don't dress up enough I won't be able to mask the fact that I'm panicking. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, no more worries. And then the jitters, constant jumping in my legs, arms and thoughts going a million miles an hour around my head. Nope Erin you can't go back to sleep, your body won't let you. Sit up. I feel sick, I'm going to be sick, I'm scared. Go down stairs for breakfast..
Test blood sugars. Have I washed my hands? Will this affect the reading, will I give too much insulin and go low later and have to eat in front of everyone else and feel sick and act stupid because I'm hypo and panic... panic. Smell food going downstairs. MASSIVE PANIC. Feel sick, I can't eat, I won't eat, I hate the feeling of food inside my tummy, I hate the taste of it, I don't need to eat, it's better for me if I don't. But if I don't eat my tummy will get upset, and I'll be sicker. Wretch, wretch and wretch some more. Eat, move between three different chairs whilst trying to eat. Walk about, use phone for distraction, play music. Go outside too cold, go inside too warm and smells like food. Can't go to shower just ate, have to go to shower or be late, quickly Erin think think think you're not thinking enough, you're thinking too much this is your fault. Go to shower, if it's too hot my bloods will go low and I'll pass out, if it's too cold my back goes into spasm where I had my surgery and go into pain, I have to hurry up I'm not going quick enough, I'll be late to class, I will be yelled at, I'll cry, people will think I'm childish, I will panic, make bad memories and never go back. ERIN GO QUICKER. I can't go quicker, someone help, slow down time oh yeah I can't oh gosh should I just not wear makeup today, no because then people will see my face and I hate my face and I can't stand what I look like and no one will come near me because I'm hideous. Don't be so fickle Erin, no one wants to be your friend if that's all you care about, you're a bad person and a bad example. Am I? Oh my gosh I am aren't I?
Getting dressed. Did I take all of my medication? Did I take too much? Oh no I took too little? Have I packed my bag to go. If I don't have my time sheet they won't know I'm on limited hours. I'll have to explain and talk when I feel sick and don't want to open my mouth. I'll have to come back another day and get the pay sorted. What if the pay doesn't go through? I'll have to explain myself, I'll need my careers advisor, she'll think I'm annoying. I'll cry, why will I cry, don't be stupid, I can't help it! Have you got your blood kit, if not you'll get in trouble, you won't know what your blood sugars are and then pass out, or feel unwell, what if I've lost it? Will the doctor give me another one? I can't leave it unattended, I can't put it where it's too warm in a heater or the sun but I can't leave it in the car as it's too cold and will not work. Where is it? Have I broke it? Is it filled with needles correctly? Oh no that reminds me of my insulin! Is the vile full? Have I got a replacement? Is it the right injection or is it the other one? Is there needles? Is it out of the heat? Lucozade, you will die without lucozade, what if it makes me sick, well bring coke but I'm not sure! If I have a hypo and I'm not allowed to bring my drink out to fix it the teachers will shout at me and I'll be too confused and low to answer and I won't know what to do. Is it out of date? Has it been in the fridge? Have you go a snack incase you need one? Or tissues for your blood kit? Erin is your phone charged?? Did you plug it in right last night? What happens when you need mum because you feel sick and you don't have your phone? If you go to the office you will have to explain yourself? Is my mobile on or off, have I missed a message from a friend and let them down? Did they need me? I need to make sure they're okay! Erin you are such a rubbish friend, look at everyone you need to message, just look at them! Oh flip I forgot the time, keep getting dressed! Should I wear that and look fat? But if I wear that it makes my tummy sore? Which one is more important today? HURRRRYYY!!! Get in the car, oh no mum I'm going to be sick, I can't deal with today, I'm going to cry, I start crying, your make up will run! They'll call you an attention seeker, they will not want to be your friend when they find out how crazy you are Erin! Please thoughts I'm begging you slow down, I can't hear myself think, I feel dizzy, did I take my meds? Are my bloods low, I can't be late for class! Getting closer to tech, I can't get out theres people outside, don't look them in the eye, no look them straight on in the face? Which one erin you have ten seconds well don't do the inbetween! Think! Which door? Which door? Oh no mums pulling off I need her back, start to cry again, I'm going to be sick, I can't do this.
Walk through the door, see a friend, fake a smile and say heyy! Feel like I'm going to cry and throw up and I want to go home and hide and I'm scared. Is my phone off? Mum said leave it on but the teachers say turn it off? Will it go off? is that a good thing or a bad thing? Which room is class in today? I don't know, It will be so embarrassing going to the wrong room, oh flip ask someone, they don't know, do I look like a goodie goodie asking where class is and caring? Should I be in earlier, how long have they been here for. They hate me in here. They all know eachother and don't want me here. Go to class.. everyone is quiet, they will here me be sick, I can feel the tension, I can't sit in this room, start jittering again, start hyperventilating, throat gets tight, I can't breathe, come on Erin zone out you can do this, keep smiling no one will know, keep thinking of another place, you aren't here, not here, not now, you're safe, I'm not safe, they hate me, help me please I need out, look at the door, where is the door? How many people and classes will I pass before getting to the toilets? Where should I go, should I run, should I sit? Are people looking at me, help me Erin think I'm scared, breathe, legs jitter faster.
Leaving tech.. if I didn't text back straight away they will think I'm being mean, I have too many people to help, I have too many people I need to message, but I don't have any friends. Why would someone want to be your friend? I need one though I'm lonely, that's good it means no one has to see you panicking. I can't text back, if I panic anymore I will feel worthless and my urges get stronger, I'll have to go back to hospital, what if I lose control?? I can't go back there!! I'm scared, that might happen or I might not survive, I will have no friends, I am a bad person.
Did I test my blood sugars? Did I do it right? Will the doctors tell me off? Can I eat dinner, I can't oh no smell dinner, food ahh help me I will be sick. Sitting at the table jittering like mad, leave table come back again leave again! You can't, you can, you can't, it has flavour you'll be sick! It's getting dark outside, I'm alone. The depressive thoughts are strong. I'll not make it through the night, that's good, that's awful nooo it's great! I want to message my friends but I'll be annoying them, maybe if I wrote a status? No they will think I'm too positive, no too negative, they will think I'm attention seeking! I want to speak to a particular person, why would they speak to you? They are laughing at you and showing others your messages, I'm scared.
Bed time, I am so tired but I am wide awake. My head is still going a million miles an hour, did I take my medication? Did I take the right injection? Remember to eat enough to get you through the night. You might have a hypo and not make it through the night, are you annoyed with anyone? Give them a hug! Noo are my teeth clean? Clean enough? Oh no I'm disgusting, no one will come near me. I can't deal with these OCD thoughts, I'm so weird, no one else is like this. I can't deal with tomorrow. I am so happy. I am so awful for being happy. You are not happy. I can't sleep if I don't sleep I won't get up in the morning, I'll be late, miss a day and spiral backwards and live in my room and never leave and it will my own fault. Sleep erin sleeeeeppppp. Shut up thoughts please please, oh no my blood sugars are low.. got to get up again, help.
... This is a glimpse into the life of someone living with an anxiety disorder. It is exhausting. You never get a break. I hope this may make you more empathetic to those who have to battle this every single day, and please don't constantly repeat the line "There is nothing to be scared of." It makes us feel pathetic.
All my love,
Erin xx
