My name is Erin.
I am who I am, whoever I am.
I am girl, a girl who lives and breathes and loves and laughs. A girl with dreams, a girl with memories. I am capable of sharing and growing in relationships and through faith. Through finding myself I am a detective. A detective inspecting the person behind the story. I am more than you think. I am me. I have carried labels, I am not my labels. I am a student, a learner, I believe I will always be a student of life, but this does not class me as a constant nerd. I spend time and effort and interest in my clothing, style, make up, hair, shoes, nails, skin and smile, however this does not allow men to view me as an object, I am more than my image, I work at my image but attention is not my intended destination, self respect, mutual respect, and artistic fascination is my intended masterpiece. I have internal joy, oh sometimes it can be so locked away, like a piece of gold buried under fossils in the deepest ocean, I can be blinded by the darkness yet blinded by the light but I have joy as I walk by faith and not by sight and this knights me with the opportunity to feel the sentiment of joy. I am young, but how can society say I am inexperienced, as the book title quotes don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins? How can my elders say I do not understand the depths of love, the fear of earthly pressures, the weight of mortal burdens? How can they know I have not yet experienced internal contentment and fully thankful friendships. I am a musician but why must I be judged and asked about my grades and level of success? I can create sound and tunes of tones and pitches, I can serenade my enemy if only I had one. I can sing, oh how I am a singer, I express my feelings and most indescribable thoughts through the gift of manipulating vocal chords, power, strength and tunes written by nostalgic artists. Does this mean I can sing and please the ears of many judges, no I cannot, I do not match the standards of societies never ending bar of acceptance, but oh how I can sing through the definition and personal desire. I blog, I blog in contemporary lingo, I blog in ancient poetic language. Why must I be classed a vintage blogger? A modern day typist? Why must I fit in to a group or a single definition, because the truth is I must not. I can create my own group because all they are, are collections of sinners with similar interests or hipster differences, trying to prove themselves worthy, we can create as many groups as we like but why must others join? Why not be individual in an original manner? Why must groups have leaders and followers, yes it adds purpose and keeps the calm as people understand their roles, but why when we are all born equal can we not freely say how we feel and what we need? Why must the shop keepers staff request to know my every move, my reasons for not being in full time education or working a job that I should be in to prove I am a respectful adolescent, why must I give excuses when panicked under pressure, when really my business is that of my own that I should share when I feel it appropriate and necessary, maybe even unnecessary but through my decisions I express this, my personal opinion and approach. My understanding and purpose, my experience and my hopeful aspirations, I am who I am, whoever I am I am yet to find, I cannot know the extent of my capabilities until these activities and/or events are laid out in front of me and I grasp them with both hands in a moment of rebellion or pure desire or inquest. I may not conform and abide to societies demands and wishes because my maker and leader is not in my sight, but in my soul, I may not be someone you wish to encounter, or grow close to. I am human, I am not my illnesses or difficulties. I am not extraordinary or different to any of you in one way yet couldn't be more different in another. I am a human, with love and purpose, with inquisition and disappointment, with faith and hope, who carries failures and winnings, who has experienced heart break and love in its many forms, I have so much to learn yet have experienced more than many infants, I need company and friendships, people to care, and the opportunity to care, I feel lonely and supported, wishful and cheeky, I have many negatives and many positives, I am who I am, whoever I am. Do not mistake me for how I look, do not judge me on my experiences. Do not feel pity for me or my journey, for everyone has their journeys and everyone will learn along the way. Life is full of learning events which must be lived to be understood. I am unique yet uniformed in many ways. I have potential and purpose, I have shame and worry, I feel pain and my blood is red, my skin is pale and my eyes are tinted by my ancestors genes. I am in a time of confusion, a time of realising who I am, I am not recovered and I am not who I was, I feel as though I stand on no man's land with no cover, protection or barbed wire for defence. I am alone in my battle, however my battle is my own and I am travelling through this world, this is one stage in which I learn. I am on the road to finding myself, but is the destination the real truth or is the journey my real self? Do not think too great of me, do not doubt my ways too much, for I am who I am, whoever I am.
E x
Wednesday 22 October 2014
Monday 20 October 2014
You do not need to prove yourself to anyone!
Hello Peeps!
Ahh tonight is stormy outside and I'm cuddled up all cosy and warm in my jammies waiting on Grantchester coming on the TV! I don't know about you but there is nothing I love more than stormy nights and lovely lit up living rooms!
On to my message tonight! So I have been getting amazing support with my 'Just Give Me A Reason Mission', I am loving reading what gives different people hope, so interesting and reminds me to appreciate the little things! Thank-you so much for all taking part, this is going to be great!
So, we can all talk about our struggles, we can talk about what upsets us, what has happened to us, how low we feel and how strong our urges are, maybe even our fear of going backwards, but, can we honestly say we are comfortable talking about getting better? Can we admit to seeing an improvement? Yeah, sometimes we probably love being able to say this. But, I know for me, I find it harder to talk about getting better than getting worse.
When you have struggled for a particular period of time, it becomes your comfort zone. For me, as horrible as it can be having health problems and being in and out of mental health and medical hospitals it became my comfort zone. I feel lost whenever I'm not faced with a serious health issue or an extreme level of anxiety or even tolnwl (thoughts of life not worth living). Normal every day jobs, responsibilities, happenings aren't my normal. I am learning how to deal with getting up and going and doing a days work/learning, I am learning how to use public transport, I am learning so many things that most people class normal. For me if you were to ask me to go to a hospital appointment or use a bus, I would probably pick the hospital appointment. If you were to ask me to sit in school or a therapists office, I would pick the latter. Not because it's what I want to do, but because I don't know life as it should be. I know life as it has been. Due to experiences I had in my childhood I am petrified of people leaving me. Absolutely terrified of being left on my own, of people breaking my trust and of having to deal with my issues on my own. So for me, to admit to a therapist or a doctor that I have been managing well or I have gone through a day without feeling nauseous, seems practically unimaginable. Why? Because if I say that, they may leave me. They may say well now you're recovered you don't need me. But this isn't the case. This isn't what is going to happen, it's just my deep in-bedded fear of rejection and loss. So linking people leaving me to admitting to feeling okay, well, is why I don't want to admit to it, I feel in a way I just cannot say it. I sometimes find myself asking myself, what is wrong with me now? How do I feel? I have actually trained myself to stop constantly asking myself how I'm feeling. I have prevented myself from telling people oh I feel sick now. When asked how I am, I now say good thankyou! Instead of constantly saying awk not great. Because by telling myself this I reinforce the thought of needing to constantly remind people I'm unwell, prove myself to others, not lose them.
1.) YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO.
2.) IT IS OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY
3.) RECOVERY HAS MANY UPS AND MANY DOWNS, DON'T FEAR THE UPS, DON'T OBSESS OVER THE DOWNS
It is okay to be scared of admitting to recovering, improvement even. It does not mean you will not have many more down days, it does not mean your urges aren't there for 70% + of your daily thoughts, it does not mean you can manage all on your own. But I cannot emphasise enough to you how important it is to acknowledge the good moments. To share the good times, to smile even when you don't feel like it, not as a mask, but as an effort. Stop being so scared of people not believing you and of people judging you and leaving. Those who are true and care about you, will not leave. You do not need everyone to fully understand for you to make them believe you. Be confident in knowing that it is fab to have good days and normal to struggle still, you can admit to success, you don't need to hide it!
Be who you really are, I say this again, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone.
Life isn't a race, or a constant competition. We don't need to prove ourselves to each other, we don't need to beat each other in competitions. We spend so much time trying to think about the future, feeling like we are waiting for something that will never come. Not appreciating and making the most of the moment we are in. Feel the moment, live the moment, because this moment is yesterdays future and the next moment you find yourself in, will be todays future. Just stop. Just for a minute. Reflect, sit in silence, life will go on no matter what, you won't fix everything, you can't be all to everyone, so instead of constantly being so hard on yourself, appreciate the moment your in, find the true meaning of life and put things into perspective. Something which may seem like everything to you right now, most likely won't seem important to you in 10 years time.
Breathe, just breathe.
Love, E x
Ahh tonight is stormy outside and I'm cuddled up all cosy and warm in my jammies waiting on Grantchester coming on the TV! I don't know about you but there is nothing I love more than stormy nights and lovely lit up living rooms!
On to my message tonight! So I have been getting amazing support with my 'Just Give Me A Reason Mission', I am loving reading what gives different people hope, so interesting and reminds me to appreciate the little things! Thank-you so much for all taking part, this is going to be great!
So, we can all talk about our struggles, we can talk about what upsets us, what has happened to us, how low we feel and how strong our urges are, maybe even our fear of going backwards, but, can we honestly say we are comfortable talking about getting better? Can we admit to seeing an improvement? Yeah, sometimes we probably love being able to say this. But, I know for me, I find it harder to talk about getting better than getting worse.
When you have struggled for a particular period of time, it becomes your comfort zone. For me, as horrible as it can be having health problems and being in and out of mental health and medical hospitals it became my comfort zone. I feel lost whenever I'm not faced with a serious health issue or an extreme level of anxiety or even tolnwl (thoughts of life not worth living). Normal every day jobs, responsibilities, happenings aren't my normal. I am learning how to deal with getting up and going and doing a days work/learning, I am learning how to use public transport, I am learning so many things that most people class normal. For me if you were to ask me to go to a hospital appointment or use a bus, I would probably pick the hospital appointment. If you were to ask me to sit in school or a therapists office, I would pick the latter. Not because it's what I want to do, but because I don't know life as it should be. I know life as it has been. Due to experiences I had in my childhood I am petrified of people leaving me. Absolutely terrified of being left on my own, of people breaking my trust and of having to deal with my issues on my own. So for me, to admit to a therapist or a doctor that I have been managing well or I have gone through a day without feeling nauseous, seems practically unimaginable. Why? Because if I say that, they may leave me. They may say well now you're recovered you don't need me. But this isn't the case. This isn't what is going to happen, it's just my deep in-bedded fear of rejection and loss. So linking people leaving me to admitting to feeling okay, well, is why I don't want to admit to it, I feel in a way I just cannot say it. I sometimes find myself asking myself, what is wrong with me now? How do I feel? I have actually trained myself to stop constantly asking myself how I'm feeling. I have prevented myself from telling people oh I feel sick now. When asked how I am, I now say good thankyou! Instead of constantly saying awk not great. Because by telling myself this I reinforce the thought of needing to constantly remind people I'm unwell, prove myself to others, not lose them.
1.) YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO.
2.) IT IS OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY
3.) RECOVERY HAS MANY UPS AND MANY DOWNS, DON'T FEAR THE UPS, DON'T OBSESS OVER THE DOWNS
It is okay to be scared of admitting to recovering, improvement even. It does not mean you will not have many more down days, it does not mean your urges aren't there for 70% + of your daily thoughts, it does not mean you can manage all on your own. But I cannot emphasise enough to you how important it is to acknowledge the good moments. To share the good times, to smile even when you don't feel like it, not as a mask, but as an effort. Stop being so scared of people not believing you and of people judging you and leaving. Those who are true and care about you, will not leave. You do not need everyone to fully understand for you to make them believe you. Be confident in knowing that it is fab to have good days and normal to struggle still, you can admit to success, you don't need to hide it!
Be who you really are, I say this again, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone.
Life isn't a race, or a constant competition. We don't need to prove ourselves to each other, we don't need to beat each other in competitions. We spend so much time trying to think about the future, feeling like we are waiting for something that will never come. Not appreciating and making the most of the moment we are in. Feel the moment, live the moment, because this moment is yesterdays future and the next moment you find yourself in, will be todays future. Just stop. Just for a minute. Reflect, sit in silence, life will go on no matter what, you won't fix everything, you can't be all to everyone, so instead of constantly being so hard on yourself, appreciate the moment your in, find the true meaning of life and put things into perspective. Something which may seem like everything to you right now, most likely won't seem important to you in 10 years time.
Breathe, just breathe.
Love, E x
Saturday 18 October 2014
'Just Give Me A Reason' Mission!
Hello lovelies!
I haven't posted in a wee while but I have been thinking a lot about my blog and I have a few ideas floating around my imagination, so keep checking out my blog to see what's coming up!
I have had a rough few days, have been quite tired having to deal with the thoughts and I was in A&E last night until 4am with severe chest pains but I am okay and have been trying to keep myself distracted with some work and playing my guitar.
So I have been thinking, for people who haven't suffered from a mental illness or a mental health difficulty, they sometimes don't realise just how hard it is to find a point. To find a reason to hold on. To see their purpose. To have hope. To have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We then get asked a lot well what keeps you fighting? And we are told to have hope. Whenever we are struggling this seems like a pretty unrealistic ask, pretty impossible. So I have decided to start a mission, and I hope that I can get some support with this.
Can I ask you to do a favour? A favour for me, a favour for you and a favour for someone to whom you do not yet know.
I would like to hear from all of you why you feel life is worth fighting for. Tell us where you find your hope to persevere. What your purpose is for getting out of bed in the morning.
It may be that you have a goal, a country you want to visit, you may want to get married, start your own business, raise a child, help the suffering, play basketball, grow closer in faith, make dinner for your family, teach a class, eat chocolate, make somebody proud, or simply you have a desire to live life to the fullest to sample all that it can offer.
By sharing your hope, you may give the priceless gift of hope to someone who has very little of it. You have the opportunity tonight to give a hopeless soul a reason to get through the night.
So please join me in my "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission and post on your facebook or twitter or instagram or text somebody saying ..
'I am supporting the "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission by sharing my reason as to how I know life is worth fighting for, please share yours too, #ShareHopeSaveLives ..... *Insert your reason here*
Lets show those in need of a little hope, those who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is hope and that we're willing to help!
Thankyou so much for the support!
Love E x
I haven't posted in a wee while but I have been thinking a lot about my blog and I have a few ideas floating around my imagination, so keep checking out my blog to see what's coming up!
I have had a rough few days, have been quite tired having to deal with the thoughts and I was in A&E last night until 4am with severe chest pains but I am okay and have been trying to keep myself distracted with some work and playing my guitar.
So I have been thinking, for people who haven't suffered from a mental illness or a mental health difficulty, they sometimes don't realise just how hard it is to find a point. To find a reason to hold on. To see their purpose. To have hope. To have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We then get asked a lot well what keeps you fighting? And we are told to have hope. Whenever we are struggling this seems like a pretty unrealistic ask, pretty impossible. So I have decided to start a mission, and I hope that I can get some support with this.
Can I ask you to do a favour? A favour for me, a favour for you and a favour for someone to whom you do not yet know.
I would like to hear from all of you why you feel life is worth fighting for. Tell us where you find your hope to persevere. What your purpose is for getting out of bed in the morning.
It may be that you have a goal, a country you want to visit, you may want to get married, start your own business, raise a child, help the suffering, play basketball, grow closer in faith, make dinner for your family, teach a class, eat chocolate, make somebody proud, or simply you have a desire to live life to the fullest to sample all that it can offer.
By sharing your hope, you may give the priceless gift of hope to someone who has very little of it. You have the opportunity tonight to give a hopeless soul a reason to get through the night.
So please join me in my "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission and post on your facebook or twitter or instagram or text somebody saying ..
'I am supporting the "Just Give Me A Reason" Mission by sharing my reason as to how I know life is worth fighting for, please share yours too, #ShareHopeSaveLives ..... *Insert your reason here*
Lets show those in need of a little hope, those who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is hope and that we're willing to help!
Thankyou so much for the support!
Love E x
Monday 13 October 2014
Don't let your struggles define you!
Hey guys,
Today hasn't been a good day for me, but I guess that's part of recovery, right? It has it's up days and it's down days and today is definitely a down day for me.
I started my new medication and I have had really horrible side affects, I was up most of last night shaking so much and I woke up with hallucinations, I have felt extremely nauseous and motion sick all day. My mood has really dropped and I have slept most of today and haven't managed to get out of my onesie. My intensive treatment team workers came out to see me but I didn't go out with them today.
I know my mood has dropped as a side affect of the meds but it is still really hard to deal with. It is very hard to see your peers getting out and about and having fun when that's all you want but can't manage to do it, it is really hard trying to keep your head above water when you don't feel like you fit in.
I am dealing with the intrusive thoughts and I am still fighting away at this wee mucker of depression and urges but some days I just have to accept the fact that these feelings are there. Sometimes that's all we can do and all we need to do.
Yeah I feel kind of useless and detached from the world today, yeah the point seems invisible. I feel invisible, but I've got to keep fighting, there is more to life than this, today is just a hard day, another page in my book, but it doesn't define me.
Don't let your struggles define you.
All my love, E x
Today hasn't been a good day for me, but I guess that's part of recovery, right? It has it's up days and it's down days and today is definitely a down day for me.
I started my new medication and I have had really horrible side affects, I was up most of last night shaking so much and I woke up with hallucinations, I have felt extremely nauseous and motion sick all day. My mood has really dropped and I have slept most of today and haven't managed to get out of my onesie. My intensive treatment team workers came out to see me but I didn't go out with them today.
I know my mood has dropped as a side affect of the meds but it is still really hard to deal with. It is very hard to see your peers getting out and about and having fun when that's all you want but can't manage to do it, it is really hard trying to keep your head above water when you don't feel like you fit in.
I am dealing with the intrusive thoughts and I am still fighting away at this wee mucker of depression and urges but some days I just have to accept the fact that these feelings are there. Sometimes that's all we can do and all we need to do.
Yeah I feel kind of useless and detached from the world today, yeah the point seems invisible. I feel invisible, but I've got to keep fighting, there is more to life than this, today is just a hard day, another page in my book, but it doesn't define me.
Don't let your struggles define you.
All my love, E x
Saturday 11 October 2014
To my friends..
Friendship. Something so powerful, so full of love, potential, trust, respect. Friendship to me is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe of life.
To my friends, to all of those who have been there for me. Who have supported me. Who never left my side when I needed them. To those who have stayed up to one o'clock in the morning to talk to me when I needed them. To the girl who couldn't get in contact with me when I was in a bad place so drove for miles to find me when she didn't know where I was, who waited in the hospital waiting room just to give me a hug. To the girl who gave me the longest hug to make me feel safe when I was admitted on to the ward. To the girls who all gathered to celebrate my birthday making unforgettable memories that will last a life time. To all of the kind ladies and gents who have been praying for me for years now. To my amazing girl who sent me lovely letters in the mail just to give me strength and who has stood by me for over a decade. To the boys who defended me when others weren't being very kind. To all of those who have done all of these things and never once wanted credit or anything in return.
I cannot explain to you what you have done for me. The impact that you have made on my life. The safety you have offered in my hour of need, the comfort and love and continual support you have shown me.
I genuinely don't know what I have ever done to deserve such an amazing group of friends. Even those who aren't as close to me as others are showing me such love. This has strengthened my hope in humanity. We all have the potential in us to save lives. To protect others. From making a baby smile, to raising a child who does not share our genes. To saving a soul and to feed the starved. We have so much potential. All we need to do is share this love, hope and potential and the world will live in more harmony.
To my friends, I love you, you all know who you are. I cannot thank you all personally for what you have done for me, for being there for me, for supporting me in all my endeavours. You are the reason I am able to continue fighting. The joy I feel knowing there are so many people in this world who I have not yet met, who will continue to impact my life, who can share their experiences with me, who I can learn from, who I can love.
Friendship, past, present, future. I am blessed to know what it feels like to grow together as friends, to face life's daily challenges with other human beings. I am blessed to have experienced love in one of it's most touching forms.
Friendship carries potential, friendship is a choice, so tonight share a hug with those with whom you can rejoice!
To you, the reader, spread love not hate.
E x
To my friends, to all of those who have been there for me. Who have supported me. Who never left my side when I needed them. To those who have stayed up to one o'clock in the morning to talk to me when I needed them. To the girl who couldn't get in contact with me when I was in a bad place so drove for miles to find me when she didn't know where I was, who waited in the hospital waiting room just to give me a hug. To the girl who gave me the longest hug to make me feel safe when I was admitted on to the ward. To the girls who all gathered to celebrate my birthday making unforgettable memories that will last a life time. To all of the kind ladies and gents who have been praying for me for years now. To my amazing girl who sent me lovely letters in the mail just to give me strength and who has stood by me for over a decade. To the boys who defended me when others weren't being very kind. To all of those who have done all of these things and never once wanted credit or anything in return.
I cannot explain to you what you have done for me. The impact that you have made on my life. The safety you have offered in my hour of need, the comfort and love and continual support you have shown me.
I genuinely don't know what I have ever done to deserve such an amazing group of friends. Even those who aren't as close to me as others are showing me such love. This has strengthened my hope in humanity. We all have the potential in us to save lives. To protect others. From making a baby smile, to raising a child who does not share our genes. To saving a soul and to feed the starved. We have so much potential. All we need to do is share this love, hope and potential and the world will live in more harmony.
To my friends, I love you, you all know who you are. I cannot thank you all personally for what you have done for me, for being there for me, for supporting me in all my endeavours. You are the reason I am able to continue fighting. The joy I feel knowing there are so many people in this world who I have not yet met, who will continue to impact my life, who can share their experiences with me, who I can learn from, who I can love.
Friendship, past, present, future. I am blessed to know what it feels like to grow together as friends, to face life's daily challenges with other human beings. I am blessed to have experienced love in one of it's most touching forms.
Friendship carries potential, friendship is a choice, so tonight share a hug with those with whom you can rejoice!
To you, the reader, spread love not hate.
E x
Friday 10 October 2014
World Mental Health Day 2014 & Type One Diabetes Breakthrough!
Evening all! Or maybe it is morning, afternoon or the middle of the night with you?
The following is a status that I posted on my personal facebook account tonight but I feel like it should be on my blog aswell.. Enjoy:) !
Hello lovelies:) Okay so I have two main topics I want to mention, I'm not going to go into too much detail because I feel now that is more for my blog! Before I get onto them I just want to say thank-you very much for the support with the blog! I'm not really sure yet how many posts will be blogged weekly, if and how others feel about it, getting requests etc but I'm in no hurry so we'll just see how it pans out! If any of you would like me to talk about a specific topic, give tips, talk about my experience of feel free to message me or comment! If you want it to be anonymous that is no problem! If you would like to ask a question and leave your name then I will blog my answer, so this blog will be a partnership between me and you all so please do get involved you are very welcome:) Okay so firstly as many of you are aware today is World Mental Health awareness day, I could write a status about social stigmas and increasing numbers of casualties but I won't because I feel I have mentioned these a lot and many people on my friends list are very aware of this all! I will however mention that I feel stigmas are actually lowering, I believe this is a journey and we are getting there one breath at a time. I will continue to attempt raise awareness and support others everyday that I can and not just on awareness days, however these are extremely important! I am still in recovery myself, I have some good days where I feel confident and motivated and many days where I am scared and feel there is no hope. I am not in anyway wanting you to feel I am speaking down to you if you're suffering because trust me it's not a weakness to admit to struggling and if it is then I have the strength of a feather dude so don't be freakin'! If I don't reply or blog I am just taking the break that I feel my mind needs at that time, we all can't help eachother and ignore our own health, that is not selfish it is wise! My second topic is to do with the huge breakthrough that has been announced today to do with type one diabetes. I got quite emotional today because there tends to be a lot of so called 'miraculous discoveries' happening and popping up on the news which really are no more than exaggerated anecdotes! However, the breakthrough today was a serious one. The research project that was trialled did actually work. It was to do with stem cells and so on but I'll not give you a biology lecture! Basically it certainly isn't a cure but it is a massive step closer to finding a 'cure' or best way to control this condition. JDRF who are the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation funded this project in Harvard. So I am trying to show you how vital the funding is for diabetes related charities. Please, if you can, raise awareness or donate to either Diabetes UK or JDRF, because with this vital funding increase we are so much more likely to find the cure more rapidly. For me, to not have to live with this serious condition every day would be a dream, has always been a dream, and now is turning into reality, we are years off I believe but it will happen. Lets get this fundraising happening, we can find the cure for type one diabetes. My life and so many others have been blessed today with the knowledge that our 'incurable, life long' disease may not live up to its definition and adjectives. I know I said this wouldn't be long, but ha guys its me, if I start writing there ain't no stopping me! Life is a rollercoaster, with many ups and many downs, I am learning who I am, I am being me. So on this World Mental Health Day 2014.. Be you♥ God bless xx
The following is a status that I posted on my personal facebook account tonight but I feel like it should be on my blog aswell.. Enjoy:) !
Hello lovelies:) Okay so I have two main topics I want to mention, I'm not going to go into too much detail because I feel now that is more for my blog! Before I get onto them I just want to say thank-you very much for the support with the blog! I'm not really sure yet how many posts will be blogged weekly, if and how others feel about it, getting requests etc but I'm in no hurry so we'll just see how it pans out! If any of you would like me to talk about a specific topic, give tips, talk about my experience of feel free to message me or comment! If you want it to be anonymous that is no problem! If you would like to ask a question and leave your name then I will blog my answer, so this blog will be a partnership between me and you all so please do get involved you are very welcome:) Okay so firstly as many of you are aware today is World Mental Health awareness day, I could write a status about social stigmas and increasing numbers of casualties but I won't because I feel I have mentioned these a lot and many people on my friends list are very aware of this all! I will however mention that I feel stigmas are actually lowering, I believe this is a journey and we are getting there one breath at a time. I will continue to attempt raise awareness and support others everyday that I can and not just on awareness days, however these are extremely important! I am still in recovery myself, I have some good days where I feel confident and motivated and many days where I am scared and feel there is no hope. I am not in anyway wanting you to feel I am speaking down to you if you're suffering because trust me it's not a weakness to admit to struggling and if it is then I have the strength of a feather dude so don't be freakin'! If I don't reply or blog I am just taking the break that I feel my mind needs at that time, we all can't help eachother and ignore our own health, that is not selfish it is wise! My second topic is to do with the huge breakthrough that has been announced today to do with type one diabetes. I got quite emotional today because there tends to be a lot of so called 'miraculous discoveries' happening and popping up on the news which really are no more than exaggerated anecdotes! However, the breakthrough today was a serious one. The research project that was trialled did actually work. It was to do with stem cells and so on but I'll not give you a biology lecture! Basically it certainly isn't a cure but it is a massive step closer to finding a 'cure' or best way to control this condition. JDRF who are the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation funded this project in Harvard. So I am trying to show you how vital the funding is for diabetes related charities. Please, if you can, raise awareness or donate to either Diabetes UK or JDRF, because with this vital funding increase we are so much more likely to find the cure more rapidly. For me, to not have to live with this serious condition every day would be a dream, has always been a dream, and now is turning into reality, we are years off I believe but it will happen. Lets get this fundraising happening, we can find the cure for type one diabetes. My life and so many others have been blessed today with the knowledge that our 'incurable, life long' disease may not live up to its definition and adjectives. I know I said this wouldn't be long, but ha guys its me, if I start writing there ain't no stopping me! Life is a rollercoaster, with many ups and many downs, I am learning who I am, I am being me. So on this World Mental Health Day 2014.. Be you♥ God bless xx
Thursday 9 October 2014
Lets talk about that thing... anxiety!
Hello my lovelies :)
So today I was thinking, what would be a good subject to talk about? And as today I have had quite a few anxiety attacks I thought, hey, why not start with that?
Anxiety. It is a topic that a surprisingly low number of people are aware of. Most people will know of the "Fight or Flight" approach and link that to the definition of anxiety. Now, this is what happens to our bodies whenever we feel fear, or that we are under threat, this can be physically, mentally or even emotionally. This is completely normal. This originates back to cavemen basically whenever they were faced by a wild animal or beast they had to protect themselves either by running away (flight) or fighting off the beast (fight), pretty simple really. Okay but what happens when we have this sensation and are not faced with immediate danger? This can happen when our bodies are so used to protecting themselves that anxiety then becomes their automatic response to external factors.
So there is normal levels of anxiety, which may be heightened if we are going to sit an exam or get into trouble, again fully average. It's when we start fearing things which aren't really going to cause us any harm, irrational even. This anxiety may show up in many forms, and be present for many reasons. It may show in different ways, so don't think oh no one has mentioned this symptom before I must be going crazy, because trust me you're not. Some may feel nauseous, lose feeling in their hands, feel the butterfly sensation in their stomachs, hyperventilate (fast breathing, or feeling breathless), dry mouth, jumpy legs, see black spots in vision, and so on. There is usually a trigger, something which starts you feeling panicked/anxious. The trigger may be external or internal. For example, examples of external triggers can be large groups of people, tight claustrophobic spaces where no exits are visible, particular aromas/smells, locations which an unpleasant event may have happened previously at, loud sounds, etc. Examples of some internal triggers as I call them may be flashbacks, unpleasant or intrusive thoughts, thoughts that make you feel weird, sick, abnormal, horrible, pain or nausea due to injury or illness etc.
Okay so now I hope you have a slight bit more understanding of what anxiety can feel like, or why it might be there.
Anxiety from my own experience left me feeling extremely out of control, hypervigilant to my surroundings, thoughts and health. It is one of the most unpleasant feelings that I have ever felt. I actually have an anxiety disorder, I have had this for as long as I can remember. You may be overly anxious, even have an anxiety disorder but have very few panic attacks. Panic attacks are horrible and feel never ending when you are experiencing one, but they will end, nothing bad can happen to you.
I hope to over time post about some techniques that I feel are helpful whenever I felt/feel extremely anxious or panicky. If you have a particular request please feel free to comment and ask me to talk about if I can!
My main point of this post is about tolerating. I use this word as it is really the word I feel that matches. Whether it is anxious thoughts, panic attacks, or depressive thoughts, even urges to harm yourself, we must tolerate them to get to the other side, Recovery is all about tolerating. We can't go around the problems, we have to go through them to get to where we want to be. Some of us may forever avoid the issue and never recover, but if you have the motivation and drive then you will have to face your problems. Whenever we face these thoughts, we won't like them, it may feel like and even be the hardest thing you will ever have to face, but it is worth it. When the thought that life is not ever going to get better comes into your head, when you are in the throws of a panic attack and feel like you are going to die, whenever the urges get too strong, or the thoughts get too loud, we actually have to sit with them. I empathise so very much, I have been there and still battle these issues every single day in my recovery. By NO means am I saying this is easy to do, but it has to be done.
Most of us, including myself, think that we have to constantly fight these thoughts, urges and feelings. The truth is, we don't. Yes I believe we have to battle the issues, we have to have a fight inside of us, but recovery doesn't always involve fighting, just sitting with it. Now, I use the word 'just' rapidly and loosely because I feel it severely undermines just how difficult the act of sitting with such unbearable thoughts.
I read a lot of books. I only really started reading just over a year ago, but now I am hooked. I believe that a lot of self-help books out there can actually make us feel worse. They basically claim to "cure" anxiety in 48 hrs. This is not possible. It is a journey. It takes time. Some books I find a little cheesy and not really reliable, but some I actually find give me hope and help ground me whenever I feel I am alone. They can make me see the big picture whenever I am so zoned in on my present situation. When I feel like nothing is ever possible again, I will never recover and there is no point in carrying on, reading a self-help book can actually make me go hold on a minute, look at the big picture, great things are happening at this very moment, you have a future and a purpose, today is just another day, don't concentrate so deeply on your situation that you forget the meaning and purpose of daily life. So one book I have nearly finished reading is called "At Last A Life.. Anxiety and Panic Free by Paul David, an ex-sufferer." Yes I was worried that the book would be very cliché due to it's cover and there are some things that Paul talks about that I don't agree with speaking from my experience but one of Paul's main points backs up mine. He talks about how we have to "Give up the fight". If you suffer with anxiety, depressive thoughts, depersonalisation/derealisation or Obsessive compulsive disorder I advise you to read Paul's book. You may learn something, I know I did, you may feel less alone, again, I know I did. I am attaching a picture of this book if you would like to find it!
A little update from me. Today, I feel very anxious, I don't know what support services I will be working with and this feeling of disorganisation is making me anxious. I am currently working with a team that is for intensive intervention for those who are at a high risk, like myself, to prevent hospital admission (again in my case). They come out to me daily at the moment but the knowledge that they may leave again soon is daunting, but I take myself back to the present every time I catch my mind looking too far into the future, my saying goes, one breath at a time! So my workers took me out for a coffee this morning which helped give me a purpose to get up and dressed and out as that is a challenge on its own. I then went to get my blood taken at my doctor's surgery as my psychiatrist is changing my medication and I have to get my blood tested every time it is adjusted! So I should be starting my new meds soon.
I hope that this post comes in useful, even if it's just for one person who suffers with anxiety, or feels alone or maybe even someone who just wants to learn about the topic to be more understanding!
Thank-you so much for reading and if you have any suggestions, reflections or requests please comment and feel free to check out my blog for new updates!
Stay strong muckers,
Love E x
So today I was thinking, what would be a good subject to talk about? And as today I have had quite a few anxiety attacks I thought, hey, why not start with that?
Anxiety. It is a topic that a surprisingly low number of people are aware of. Most people will know of the "Fight or Flight" approach and link that to the definition of anxiety. Now, this is what happens to our bodies whenever we feel fear, or that we are under threat, this can be physically, mentally or even emotionally. This is completely normal. This originates back to cavemen basically whenever they were faced by a wild animal or beast they had to protect themselves either by running away (flight) or fighting off the beast (fight), pretty simple really. Okay but what happens when we have this sensation and are not faced with immediate danger? This can happen when our bodies are so used to protecting themselves that anxiety then becomes their automatic response to external factors.
So there is normal levels of anxiety, which may be heightened if we are going to sit an exam or get into trouble, again fully average. It's when we start fearing things which aren't really going to cause us any harm, irrational even. This anxiety may show up in many forms, and be present for many reasons. It may show in different ways, so don't think oh no one has mentioned this symptom before I must be going crazy, because trust me you're not. Some may feel nauseous, lose feeling in their hands, feel the butterfly sensation in their stomachs, hyperventilate (fast breathing, or feeling breathless), dry mouth, jumpy legs, see black spots in vision, and so on. There is usually a trigger, something which starts you feeling panicked/anxious. The trigger may be external or internal. For example, examples of external triggers can be large groups of people, tight claustrophobic spaces where no exits are visible, particular aromas/smells, locations which an unpleasant event may have happened previously at, loud sounds, etc. Examples of some internal triggers as I call them may be flashbacks, unpleasant or intrusive thoughts, thoughts that make you feel weird, sick, abnormal, horrible, pain or nausea due to injury or illness etc.
Okay so now I hope you have a slight bit more understanding of what anxiety can feel like, or why it might be there.
Anxiety from my own experience left me feeling extremely out of control, hypervigilant to my surroundings, thoughts and health. It is one of the most unpleasant feelings that I have ever felt. I actually have an anxiety disorder, I have had this for as long as I can remember. You may be overly anxious, even have an anxiety disorder but have very few panic attacks. Panic attacks are horrible and feel never ending when you are experiencing one, but they will end, nothing bad can happen to you.
I hope to over time post about some techniques that I feel are helpful whenever I felt/feel extremely anxious or panicky. If you have a particular request please feel free to comment and ask me to talk about if I can!
My main point of this post is about tolerating. I use this word as it is really the word I feel that matches. Whether it is anxious thoughts, panic attacks, or depressive thoughts, even urges to harm yourself, we must tolerate them to get to the other side, Recovery is all about tolerating. We can't go around the problems, we have to go through them to get to where we want to be. Some of us may forever avoid the issue and never recover, but if you have the motivation and drive then you will have to face your problems. Whenever we face these thoughts, we won't like them, it may feel like and even be the hardest thing you will ever have to face, but it is worth it. When the thought that life is not ever going to get better comes into your head, when you are in the throws of a panic attack and feel like you are going to die, whenever the urges get too strong, or the thoughts get too loud, we actually have to sit with them. I empathise so very much, I have been there and still battle these issues every single day in my recovery. By NO means am I saying this is easy to do, but it has to be done.
Most of us, including myself, think that we have to constantly fight these thoughts, urges and feelings. The truth is, we don't. Yes I believe we have to battle the issues, we have to have a fight inside of us, but recovery doesn't always involve fighting, just sitting with it. Now, I use the word 'just' rapidly and loosely because I feel it severely undermines just how difficult the act of sitting with such unbearable thoughts.
I read a lot of books. I only really started reading just over a year ago, but now I am hooked. I believe that a lot of self-help books out there can actually make us feel worse. They basically claim to "cure" anxiety in 48 hrs. This is not possible. It is a journey. It takes time. Some books I find a little cheesy and not really reliable, but some I actually find give me hope and help ground me whenever I feel I am alone. They can make me see the big picture whenever I am so zoned in on my present situation. When I feel like nothing is ever possible again, I will never recover and there is no point in carrying on, reading a self-help book can actually make me go hold on a minute, look at the big picture, great things are happening at this very moment, you have a future and a purpose, today is just another day, don't concentrate so deeply on your situation that you forget the meaning and purpose of daily life. So one book I have nearly finished reading is called "At Last A Life.. Anxiety and Panic Free by Paul David, an ex-sufferer." Yes I was worried that the book would be very cliché due to it's cover and there are some things that Paul talks about that I don't agree with speaking from my experience but one of Paul's main points backs up mine. He talks about how we have to "Give up the fight". If you suffer with anxiety, depressive thoughts, depersonalisation/derealisation or Obsessive compulsive disorder I advise you to read Paul's book. You may learn something, I know I did, you may feel less alone, again, I know I did. I am attaching a picture of this book if you would like to find it!
A little update from me. Today, I feel very anxious, I don't know what support services I will be working with and this feeling of disorganisation is making me anxious. I am currently working with a team that is for intensive intervention for those who are at a high risk, like myself, to prevent hospital admission (again in my case). They come out to me daily at the moment but the knowledge that they may leave again soon is daunting, but I take myself back to the present every time I catch my mind looking too far into the future, my saying goes, one breath at a time! So my workers took me out for a coffee this morning which helped give me a purpose to get up and dressed and out as that is a challenge on its own. I then went to get my blood taken at my doctor's surgery as my psychiatrist is changing my medication and I have to get my blood tested every time it is adjusted! So I should be starting my new meds soon.
I hope that this post comes in useful, even if it's just for one person who suffers with anxiety, or feels alone or maybe even someone who just wants to learn about the topic to be more understanding!
Thank-you so much for reading and if you have any suggestions, reflections or requests please comment and feel free to check out my blog for new updates!
Stay strong muckers,
Love E x
Wednesday 8 October 2014
A little introduction
Hello!
Okay, so I'm finding my feet a little here as I'm relatively new to this blogging business. So feel free to teach me as I go!
My name is Erin Loughran, I am 17 and I live in Northern Ireland.
I have Type one diabetes, I have titanium rods on my spine used to correct a major scoliosis (twisted spine), I have suffered with an anxiety disorder all my life, I am in recovery from depression, self harm and have been an inpatient twice, the second visit lasting nearly eight months.
I am a Christian and proud! My faith keeps me battling! I love hearing other people's stories who share different beliefs so please don't feel I am close minded!
My life ambition is to help other people. To use my experience positively by sharing my journey with you all. I am hoping to talk about some issues close to my heart, to be able to communicate with others who suffer from mental health difficulties or any other health problems!
So here we go guys, let's make this blog a good one!
Stay strong,
Love E x
Okay, so I'm finding my feet a little here as I'm relatively new to this blogging business. So feel free to teach me as I go!
My name is Erin Loughran, I am 17 and I live in Northern Ireland.
I have Type one diabetes, I have titanium rods on my spine used to correct a major scoliosis (twisted spine), I have suffered with an anxiety disorder all my life, I am in recovery from depression, self harm and have been an inpatient twice, the second visit lasting nearly eight months.
I am a Christian and proud! My faith keeps me battling! I love hearing other people's stories who share different beliefs so please don't feel I am close minded!
My life ambition is to help other people. To use my experience positively by sharing my journey with you all. I am hoping to talk about some issues close to my heart, to be able to communicate with others who suffer from mental health difficulties or any other health problems!
So here we go guys, let's make this blog a good one!
Stay strong,
Love E x
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