Hey guys!
I haven't been blogging for quite a while as I've had lots going on in my own life and I haven't had much time. Tonight however I feel ready to post a blog that has been in my mind for quite a while.
We are all our own people. I am my own person. To each person in my life I am a different person but to me I am one person. Some people know me as that girl who walks around college in weird jumpers and glasses while others know me as the girl who wears madly bright lipstick on nights out. To the kids I teach in Sunday school I'm probably that old boring teacher and to my elders I'm probably a young head the ball!
Through this blog I have opened up a lot of my personal life to you all, yes this has it's adverse effects however I do this because I feel that sharing is caring. Sharing my story may help others and therefore it is of use so that is why I do this.
Over the years I have faced many physical health problems and mental health problems, names have been given and taken away, I have attended many different hospitals and it was only a few days ago that I received my most recent diagnosis. So for all those who are reading who aren't sure what 'problems' I have to see whether they can relate or I can help you then I'll give you a quick brief.
I was born a sickly baby. I was three weeks old apparently when I first got sick. I had severe reflux when I was a child leading to a lot of vomiting daily. I was diagnosed with Type One diabetes at the age of 8 after nearly losing my life due to being incredibly sick. I was diagnosed with major scoliosis of the spine when I was 12 and underwent a major spinal surgery when I was 13 to have rods screwed onto my spine to help this. I have suffered from crippling anxiety since I was 3 years old. I spent eight months in a psychiatric inpatient unit when I was 16 due to severe depression, self harm and multiple suicide attempts. In the past year I have been diagnosed with a hiatus hernia, a digestive disorder linked to gut dismotility, background retinopathy in my eyes and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
That was a brief run down of my medical and mental health disorders that have lead me to be here talking to you all today. Let me tell you, as hard as my journey has been it is an absolute honour to be able to take my knowledge, experience and empathy from my journey and apply it to helping others.
I get asked a lot, how do you cope? A lot of people say to me 'Oh my word I couldn't inject myself everyday' or 'I couldn't be on that strict diet' or 'How did you cope for 8 months in a loony hospital'. Trust me I don't get annoyed or judge those who say these things to me. Heck yeah I understand if I hadn't experienced what I have I'd probably be saying the same things if I met a medical mystery like myself!!
My answer however is this. I'm not a perfect person and I never will claim to be. I'm not a hero because I have lived with pain, because if that was the case we'd all be heroes because we all live with pain in some form or fashion. I'm not weak either, I'm not a victim of what has happened to me. I won't ask you not to pity me but I won't ask you to pity me either. Yeah some days I feel sorry for myself and I'm like darn a bit of pity wouldn't go a miss right now but then there are other days when I'm like do you know what look at me go I don't need pity I am blessed with everything I have. So many people have such strong opinions on how people treat them when the truth is people are only trying to help and take in your problems. It must be really hard to hear about all my problems and automatically not think jeepers that's a mad amount, because yeah it is! But hey, I have the ability to love and be loved, I can walk, I can smile and I can help others!
There are many days where I curl into a ball, don't want to get up and face my problems, I'll cry, I'll ask why me? I'll feel sorry for myself. There are many days where I'll get up power through, be so happy, and use my experiences to help others. There are some days which are in between and I won't impact others but guess what? That's okay!
No one is perfect in this world! No one is always right (however much I want to believe I am), No one is always wrong either! We all share this world together and we all have ups and downs!
I will admit I have been through a lot of years of therapy and still probably could benefit from more. Growing up with constant sickness and pain is lonely, I missed out on friendships, I lost out on normal schooling, I missed a lot. But at the same time I gained so much that others never will, I learned empathy and patience at such a young age. I learned how to cope with a panic attack, how to deal with severe pain, how to be independent with my medication and how to be there for others at a very young age. These are life skills that will stick with me forever.
One thing that never changed with me is my determination. At certain very low points my motivation quivered but that is different from my internal determination. I have gathered the strength that I have today from years worth of fighting.
When I missed out school, I was home schooled or else I tutored myself at home. If you think getting motivation to study in class is hard then I can tell you it's extremely hard to motivate yourself whilst sitting in your own living room. I studied for my GCSEs whilst being an inpatient in hospital and losing someone very close to me to cancer. My textbooks are still stained with the tears I cried into them whilst trying desperately to learn kinetic theory. The nurses used to come round at night and take the textbooks off me and turn out my light because I'd be studying in between therapy sessions and any other moment I got. I didn't achieve my A grades because 'I'm smart' I achieved them because I worked my backside off to get them.
After my back surgery I went through 9 months rehabilitation to learn to do all the normal activities again. I temporarily lost feeling from my hips down due to an epidural error in hospital and had to teach myself to get up and walk normally again. It was agony, agony is an understatement, I remember screaming into the hospital pillow at 3am in agony as the nurses gave me the strongest painkillers they could. But I fought and I didn't let the pain stop me, I went back to part time study only a few months after my surgery and I carried on.
A lot of lessons I learned the hard way. I felt a lot of things that no child ever should and I was in situations that were incredibly scary. I had to sign a form at 13 to agree that I was aware that I could die on the operating table. Imagine signing at that age to agree to knowing you could lose your life and having to do it anyway.
Some people wonder where my sensitivity comes from, why I cry easy, why I want to help others, why I see things so philosophically, this is why. I have lived through a lot in just 19 years. I never ever want to waste that. I believe everything happens for a reason and God obviously wants me to have all these challenges so that I can help others and show them that everything is possible when you believe and when you fight. I'm telling you I know that fighting is hard. I know that especially in teenage years that doing drugs to go to a chilled state, or smoking to deal with your pain or drinking until you are numb seems a lot more appealing than being a bore and 'missing out on young years.'
You may not want to listen to older people but please take it from someone who is your age. There are other ways of coping, pumping illegal substances into your beautifully made body is not right, is not cool and you will regret it. Get an education, love those around you, be classy, be respectful, always apologise when you have messed up. DO the right thing. Don't let your ego stop you. You never know what tomorrow holds or what each person has been through. Use your life, use your brains and heart to make everyone around you feel as good as they can. Because at many points in my life I was very very lonely, I genuinely felt that I had no one but myself. I have sat staring into the mirror telling myself at 8 years of age not to end my life. All I needed was empathy.
Don't go round breaking hearts, don't go round damaging yourself. Don't hide in a group and don't ever believe that popularity will make you happy or sleeping around will make people want you. Be an inspiration, be motivated, fight through blood sweat and tears for your dreams because I promise you if you fight hard enough you will achieve them. I have so many qualifications to my name and so many more to gain. I have travelled and will travel more. I have loved and had my heart broken but I will love again and I will not hold grudges against those who have hurt me while trying to find themselves.
Be the best you that you can be.
Aim not to be a great person when being a good person is so much more important.
All my love,
E x
