Hello my lovelies :)
So today I was thinking, what would be a good subject to talk about? And as today I have had quite a few anxiety attacks I thought, hey, why not start with that?
Anxiety. It is a topic that a surprisingly low number of people are aware of. Most people will know of the "Fight or Flight" approach and link that to the definition of anxiety. Now, this is what happens to our bodies whenever we feel fear, or that we are under threat, this can be physically, mentally or even emotionally. This is completely normal. This originates back to cavemen basically whenever they were faced by a wild animal or beast they had to protect themselves either by running away (flight) or fighting off the beast (fight), pretty simple really. Okay but what happens when we have this sensation and are not faced with immediate danger? This can happen when our bodies are so used to protecting themselves that anxiety then becomes their automatic response to external factors.
So there is normal levels of anxiety, which may be heightened if we are going to sit an exam or get into trouble, again fully average. It's when we start fearing things which aren't really going to cause us any harm, irrational even. This anxiety may show up in many forms, and be present for many reasons. It may show in different ways, so don't think oh no one has mentioned this symptom before I must be going crazy, because trust me you're not. Some may feel nauseous, lose feeling in their hands, feel the butterfly sensation in their stomachs, hyperventilate (fast breathing, or feeling breathless), dry mouth, jumpy legs, see black spots in vision, and so on. There is usually a trigger, something which starts you feeling panicked/anxious. The trigger may be external or internal. For example, examples of external triggers can be large groups of people, tight claustrophobic spaces where no exits are visible, particular aromas/smells, locations which an unpleasant event may have happened previously at, loud sounds, etc. Examples of some internal triggers as I call them may be flashbacks, unpleasant or intrusive thoughts, thoughts that make you feel weird, sick, abnormal, horrible, pain or nausea due to injury or illness etc.
Okay so now I hope you have a slight bit more understanding of what anxiety can feel like, or why it might be there.
Anxiety from my own experience left me feeling extremely out of control, hypervigilant to my surroundings, thoughts and health. It is one of the most unpleasant feelings that I have ever felt. I actually have an anxiety disorder, I have had this for as long as I can remember. You may be overly anxious, even have an anxiety disorder but have very few panic attacks. Panic attacks are horrible and feel never ending when you are experiencing one, but they will end, nothing bad can happen to you.
I hope to over time post about some techniques that I feel are helpful whenever I felt/feel extremely anxious or panicky. If you have a particular request please feel free to comment and ask me to talk about if I can!
My main point of this post is about tolerating. I use this word as it is really the word I feel that matches. Whether it is anxious thoughts, panic attacks, or depressive thoughts, even urges to harm yourself, we must tolerate them to get to the other side, Recovery is all about tolerating. We can't go around the problems, we have to go through them to get to where we want to be. Some of us may forever avoid the issue and never recover, but if you have the motivation and drive then you will have to face your problems. Whenever we face these thoughts, we won't like them, it may feel like and even be the hardest thing you will ever have to face, but it is worth it. When the thought that life is not ever going to get better comes into your head, when you are in the throws of a panic attack and feel like you are going to die, whenever the urges get too strong, or the thoughts get too loud, we actually have to sit with them. I empathise so very much, I have been there and still battle these issues every single day in my recovery. By NO means am I saying this is easy to do, but it has to be done.
Most of us, including myself, think that we have to constantly fight these thoughts, urges and feelings. The truth is, we don't. Yes I believe we have to battle the issues, we have to have a fight inside of us, but recovery doesn't always involve fighting, just sitting with it. Now, I use the word 'just' rapidly and loosely because I feel it severely undermines just how difficult the act of sitting with such unbearable thoughts.
I read a lot of books. I only really started reading just over a year ago, but now I am hooked. I believe that a lot of self-help books out there can actually make us feel worse. They basically claim to "cure" anxiety in 48 hrs. This is not possible. It is a journey. It takes time. Some books I find a little cheesy and not really reliable, but some I actually find give me hope and help ground me whenever I feel I am alone. They can make me see the big picture whenever I am so zoned in on my present situation. When I feel like nothing is ever possible again, I will never recover and there is no point in carrying on, reading a self-help book can actually make me go hold on a minute, look at the big picture, great things are happening at this very moment, you have a future and a purpose, today is just another day, don't concentrate so deeply on your situation that you forget the meaning and purpose of daily life. So one book I have nearly finished reading is called "At Last A Life.. Anxiety and Panic Free by Paul David, an ex-sufferer." Yes I was worried that the book would be very cliché due to it's cover and there are some things that Paul talks about that I don't agree with speaking from my experience but one of Paul's main points backs up mine. He talks about how we have to "Give up the fight". If you suffer with anxiety, depressive thoughts, depersonalisation/derealisation or Obsessive compulsive disorder I advise you to read Paul's book. You may learn something, I know I did, you may feel less alone, again, I know I did. I am attaching a picture of this book if you would like to find it!
A little update from me. Today, I feel very anxious, I don't know what support services I will be working with and this feeling of disorganisation is making me anxious. I am currently working with a team that is for intensive intervention for those who are at a high risk, like myself, to prevent hospital admission (again in my case). They come out to me daily at the moment but the knowledge that they may leave again soon is daunting, but I take myself back to the present every time I catch my mind looking too far into the future, my saying goes, one breath at a time! So my workers took me out for a coffee this morning which helped give me a purpose to get up and dressed and out as that is a challenge on its own. I then went to get my blood taken at my doctor's surgery as my psychiatrist is changing my medication and I have to get my blood tested every time it is adjusted! So I should be starting my new meds soon.
I hope that this post comes in useful, even if it's just for one person who suffers with anxiety, or feels alone or maybe even someone who just wants to learn about the topic to be more understanding!
Thank-you so much for reading and if you have any suggestions, reflections or requests please comment and feel free to check out my blog for new updates!
Stay strong muckers,
Love E x
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