You do not need to prove yourself to anyone!

Hello Peeps!

Ahh tonight is stormy outside and I'm cuddled up all cosy and warm in my jammies waiting on Grantchester coming on the TV! I don't know about you but there is nothing I love more than stormy nights and lovely lit up living rooms!


On to my message tonight! So I have been getting amazing support with my 'Just Give Me A Reason Mission', I am loving reading what gives different people hope, so interesting and reminds me to appreciate the little things! Thank-you so much for all taking part, this is going to be great!

So, we can all talk about our struggles, we can talk about what upsets us, what has happened to us, how low we feel and how strong our urges are, maybe even our fear of going backwards, but, can we honestly say we are comfortable talking about getting better? Can we admit to seeing an improvement? Yeah, sometimes we probably love being able to say this. But, I know for me, I find it harder to talk about getting better than getting worse.


When you have struggled for a particular period of time, it becomes your comfort zone. For me, as horrible as it can be having health problems and being in and out of mental health and medical hospitals it became my comfort zone. I feel lost whenever I'm not faced with a serious health issue or an extreme level of anxiety or even tolnwl (thoughts of life not worth living). Normal every day jobs, responsibilities, happenings aren't my normal. I am learning how to deal with getting up and going and doing a days work/learning, I am learning how to use public transport, I am learning so many things that most people class normal. For me if you were to ask me to go to a hospital appointment or use a bus, I would probably pick the hospital appointment. If you were to ask me to sit in school or a therapists office, I would pick the latter. Not because it's what I want to do, but because I don't know life as it should be. I know life as it has been. Due to experiences I had in my childhood I am petrified of people leaving me. Absolutely terrified of being left on my own, of people breaking my trust and of having to deal with my issues on my own. So for me, to admit to a therapist or a doctor that I have been managing well or I have gone through a day without feeling nauseous, seems practically unimaginable. Why? Because if I say that, they may leave me. They may say well now you're recovered you don't need me. But this isn't the case. This isn't what is going to happen, it's just my deep in-bedded fear of rejection and loss. So linking people leaving me to admitting to feeling okay, well, is why I don't want to admit to it, I feel in a way I just cannot say it. I sometimes find myself asking myself, what is wrong with me now? How do I feel? I have actually trained myself to stop constantly asking myself how I'm feeling. I have prevented myself from telling people oh I feel sick now. When asked how I am, I now say good thankyou! Instead of constantly saying awk not great. Because by telling myself this I reinforce the thought of needing to constantly remind people I'm unwell, prove myself to others, not lose them.


1.) YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO.


2.) IT IS OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY


3.) RECOVERY HAS MANY UPS AND MANY DOWNS, DON'T FEAR THE UPS, DON'T OBSESS OVER THE DOWNS


It is okay to be scared of admitting to recovering, improvement even. It does not mean you will not have many more down days, it does not mean your urges aren't there for 70% + of your daily thoughts, it does not mean you can manage all on your own. But I cannot emphasise enough to you how important it is to acknowledge the good moments. To share the good times, to smile even when you don't feel like it, not as a mask, but as an effort. Stop being so scared of people not believing you and of people judging you and leaving. Those who are true and care about you, will not leave. You do not need everyone to fully understand for you to make them believe you. Be confident in knowing that it is fab to have good days and normal to struggle still, you can admit to success, you don't need to hide it!


Be who you really are, I say this again, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone.


Life isn't a race, or a constant competition. We don't need to prove ourselves to each other, we don't need to beat each other in competitions. We spend so much time trying to think about the future, feeling like we are waiting for something that will never come. Not appreciating and making the most of the moment we are in. Feel the moment, live the moment, because this moment is yesterdays future and the next moment you find yourself in, will be todays future. Just stop. Just for a minute. Reflect, sit in silence, life will go on no matter what, you won't fix everything, you can't be all to everyone, so instead of constantly being so hard on yourself, appreciate the moment your in, find the true meaning of life and put things into perspective. Something which may seem like everything to you right now, most likely won't seem important to you in 10 years time.


Breathe, just breathe.


Love, E x