The "Grey Area"

"What's the point?"


A question that a lot of us face at least once a day.


For someone with a mental health difficulty this question can pass through our minds at least one hundred times a day or may be there all the time.


So I want to talk about this thing called the "grey area". The Grey Area is a state of mind that a lot of functioning mental ill health sufferers live in. Sometimes known as the "Grey suicidal area".


For myself for example, I spend most of my days in the grey area. I can get up and eat, wash, dress, go to college, talk to friends and generally function well. However inside my thoughts don't always match how I'm acting. This isn't the same thing as feeling depressed or suicidal and trying to cover it up so no one finds out, no, this is a genuine living state where these thoughts are just constantly in your head but you're able to carry on with day to day activities.


The grey area is having thoughts of life not worth living, asking yourself constantly what's the point? Why have I not ended it already? Even having thoughts of harming yourself, but not actively carrying out these activities. It's learning to tolerate the thoughts and survive a life even with these torturous thoughts.


This grey area might last until I turn 21, I might wake up tomorrow and it's gone or it may last my entire life, this is just part of my condition.


Some days I have to lie in bed and cry until I don't have any more tears left. Some days I have to powerwalk a ridiculous distance to try and put the anger of the voice in my head into some form of action to attempt to quieten it down. Some days I can function completely averagely and not question the thoughts in my head. But they're always there, 24/7, always.


This sometimes doesn't make me the best of company. There are days where I will have a short temper and no one will know why I'm snapping at them, however if they realised living with these thoughts and trying to have a conversation with someone is like trying to hear the TV with kids screaming over the top of it they may then understand actually I'm not snapping at them I'm getting angry with my own head but randomly yelling "SHUT UP" in the middle of the street at my head when no ones standing there may look a little odd.


Living with OCD, generalised anxiety and depressive states is not easy. This is also relatable for those with physical ill health too as I know living with T1 diabetes, rods on my spine and a digestive disorder is not easy either. For those with either or both I understand and empathise fully with the fact that you will get down days. You will get days where you ask why me? And you need to understand that it's okay to have these thoughts. It's okay to be fed up and feel like it's not fair. We can't be warriors everyday, even heroes have to take off their cape and let someone save them once in a while.

I spent a lot of my childhood feeling guilty if I had a thought that resembled "why me?" I thought I wasn't allowed to ever feel sorry for myself, to ever feel that I got it a little rougher than some. But as I grew up and went through therapy I realised that it's only healthy to once in a while have a mini meltdown. It is okay to not be okay. And there are many unpleasantries that can be lived with. This is just a thing. A thing that can be lived with.


If you feel that you are in the grey area and it's turning a little black, ask for help, hold out your hand until someone grabs on because someone will if you give it time.


If you live in the grey area and ask yourself why can't my life be white, well, I ask you, name me a good story that has blank pages?


All my love,


E x